What would you think of this response?

[FritzDonovan]

Sorry, it's long, but there's a lot of background.

Dh regularly works away for long periods of time, sometimes with little contact, although the fun excursions are usually on FB asap so his friends know what a wonderful time he's having.

On the last trip (5months long) he was a bit detached (his words), but obviously had some good times - went to a few parties with a colleague (male), lots of sightseeing, eating/drinking out, asked female colleague, who had stolen something from a bar for him, out for a drink (alone), hadn't been wearing his wedding ring until I noticed it in a FB pic and questioned it, looked up tinder on google play (DS tablet was linked to the account, I checked history after it popped up to see why it was there) one party night but 'didn't remember' and couldn't say why he'd done it until he checked back with his colleague. Also turned out he'd been checking out copious amounts of porn (by then a regular everyday thing) and lying about it for the past 7/8 years, after saying he wouldn't use it again. (His idea, not pushed into it, he wasn't interested in shared stuff. ) Also had an email acc attached to the Xbox account which I wasn't really aware of, which had a number of permanently deleted (and therefore unrecoverable ) emails, apparently last accessed just before he got back. Which is supposed to be just a glitch or something.

In the years prior to this he's told me about colleagues who look upon working away as 'a chance to get their end away', quite a large proportion by the sounds of it. And some who visit prostitutes while away. He always used to bring it up in a jokey kind of way. Now we've had massive arguments over his most recent time away and I found out he's been happily lying to me for years because he didn't think looking at porn was bad (not as bad as shagging around? Is that what he means? Didn't mind lying about it), I'm becoming anxious about his next trip, in a few weeks.

Add to that I caught him having taken a condom away on a work do and not returning with it, and seeing a friend of his behind my back to the extent he was going to split with me and see her. That was 15-20yrs ago, forgotten but brought up because of recent events. He's supposedly more mature now, but I'm left wondering what else he could have been lying about in the intervening years. I've made it clear a number of times I now need reassurance in word and deed, his usual initial reaction is to be pissed off (I'm asking q, catching him in a lie, or not just letting it go like I did before). I totally do not want to be caught out again.

So, talking about ppl looking forward to the trip last night. I'm anxious, and say something along the lines of 'I don't understand why some ppl just see working away as an opportunity to cheat'. He asks what has brought this on, can't remember what I said, but he rolls his eyes and shakes his head. At which point I get pissed off because with a week till he goes away I'm hoping for reassurance, not dismissive gestures.

How would you interpret it? I'm not on at him every day, but it seems his first response is annoyance, while I think I deserve more empathy and consideration at this point. Am I being unreasonable?

If it was his decision to stop looking at porn, could it be his decision to start looking at it again?

I don't understand the q. He stopped looking before because I was annoyed when I realised he was only interested if it was him solo viewing women and he wasn't interested in looking together. I think he started looking again when away one time, and it increased from that until he was looking everyday, at home etc. So how would it not have been his idea to start looking again?

stoic because I want to believe that his core values and attitudes are such that (as he says) he thinks cheating is bad and he wouldn't do it. The definite cheating behaviour was a long time ago and dealt with. Things like the rings and communication have been discussed and should be better this time round. But I'm wondering if the dismissive attitude towards my worry means he actually doesn't care, and therefore still has a cheating mindset, iyswim.

It doesn’t sound great. But to be honest, I wouldn’t put much stock in his reaction, either way.

Plenty of the ‘Pillar of the Community’ guys, men who supposedly abhor cheats and cheating, and look down on the men who do it, have been shagging behind their wives’ backs for years.

Look at what he does, not what he says.

The condom got me..
Im sorry OP but it doesn't look good and yes I think you're being naive!

It sounds like you are asking for permission to be ok with his cheating, because the rest of it works for you.
It sounds very unlikely that he is faithful, but some people put up with that. It depends n how much it damages you. Healthy relationships don’t have to be monogamous , but they do have to be honest.
Hope you find some resolve soon op.

It sounds like you are asking for permission to be ok with his cheating, because the rest of it works for you.
That's not it at all. If there were any evidence of recent cheating that would be it. But that's the problem. It's too easy to get away with stuff while working away with a bunch of ppl who (some of) he has already said will be up to something. That's why it would be a great reassurance to actually believe he is of the mindset that he wouldn't do it. But his reaction to me asking about it isn't reassuring.
I can see I'm never going to know though, and will drive myself mad trying to analyze his behaviour. He'll not make any mistakes I'm likely to catch from here, there's just no need for emails, and I can't check on anything else. It's such a pathetic position to be in, I hate him for creating and causing this situation. You can't split up the dc/pets/house etc over a vague distrust when you have nothing to go to or live on though.

You don't take your wedding ring off unless you are looking to get laid

ferando, yes, you actually do. It might not be in your experience, but there are plenty of jobs which wearing rings would be a safety concern and are therefore removed. I would have hoped he'd remember to put it back on in the evening before going out, but obviously he's not as bothered about wearing it. Lots of ppl don't.

This is a confusing thread. Not sure what you're actually trying to get from it.

It's relatively obvious that he doesn't care much how you feel, and that he's fucked other women or would very much like to.

You're apparently more worried about whether you can prove these things in a court of law?

He's made his attitude towards you crystal clear. He finds you annoying and while you're likely convenient for him to have in his life, he likes that he can have lots of fun without you interfering. If that's ok with you as long as he's not literally rubbing your actual nose in it, then crack on. If you'd prefer a partner who likes and respects you - then I suggest you stop hoping that he become the person you wish he was and start seeing him for who he actually is.

This is a confusing thread. Not sure what you're actually trying to get from it.

No, me neither. Maybe it was more trying to think it through by writing it down. But I was very clear at the start that I was asking for opinions on his reaction to me bringing up cheating colleagues.
Thanks for comments, but there is no point telling me he's cheating with ppl when there's no concrete evidence to actually show that currently, or has been for 15 or so years. Unless looking up tinder is cheating, etc.

You're apparently more worried about whether you can prove these things in a court of law?
What? No idea where you got this from. The only proof I need would be definitive proof of cheating, and it would only matter to me, not a court!?!

If that's ok with you as long as he's not literally rubbing your actual nose in it, then crack on
if he were cheating, of course it wouldn't be okay. Which I've already said. You show me the definitive proof of him cheating. Oh yeah, there isn't any. Not always that easy, is it?

I suggest you stop hoping that he become the person you wish he was and start seeing him for who he actually is.
And who is that? Some ppl do stupid things when young, some couples move past this and move on. Ppl do change.

I went back to your op to see what your question was:

How would you interpret it? I'm not on at him every day, but it seems his first response is annoyance, while I think I deserve more empathy and consideration at this point. Am I being unreasonable?

I'd interpret his response as him not respecting you and not caring how you feel. He's annoyed by you and wishes you'd leave him alone.

His response is in line with his previous behaviour - which has clearly communicated that he doesn't respect you.

You aren't unreasonable for wanting to be loved and respected.

You are unreasonable to expect someone who had already clearly shown you that he doesn't respect you, to respect you.

Also - no people do not change.

Folk who believe people change, typically get taken for mugs, over and over again.

Christ OP there are so many red flags in your original post, I don't know where to start! You really need to stop making excuses for him and open your eyes to see him for what he really is.
No - people who normally wear wedding rings don not usually take it off and forget to put it back on for ages.
No - people do not download Tinder "for research purposes".
If you were away for months on end would you find a way of contacting him? Despite time differences/poor WIFI connection/etc.? Would you be able to reach out to him and reassure him and tell him that you love and miss him? Especially if your Internet access was good enough to post on Facebook? Thought so.
You really need to wake up and smell the coffee. Sorry

KNEW he'd be forces. I'm an army brat and ex army wife. Its REALLY prevalent. Especially when they're "on tour".

Even before I'd read that I agreed with aunt he's already clearly cheated repeatedly. You're just in denial about it.

I dumped my cheat ex. You need to decide if you can tolerate it or not - and schedule regular sti screening. But you can't honestly decide unless you admit to yourself he's cheating.

Some forces wives accept it, even having their own affairs (also extremely prevalent), some deny, some leave (just look at the divorce rate).

"It’s: taking his wedding ring off, travelling with condoms that don’t come back with him, ‘researching’ Tinder." Yep plus telling you what "others" get up to. THAT is evidence but then I get the feeling that unless you actually saw him shagging someone else with your own eyes you won't accept it. What kind of evidence to you would be "definitive proof"?

"One condom a long time ago" that you know about - not hard to just get better hiding them or just buy them after leaving home.

Yes I think you're naive. I was too. Never thought my ex was "the type". Now I'm pretty certain he was never faithful throughout our marriage. And I've learned how common it is. You just need to read THEIR forums!

I can’t actually believe with everything he has done you don’t think he has shagged another women.

Missing condom years ago...of course that was for a friend or some other lie he made up. He fucked someone else.

Deleted email - because he had something to hide.

Tinder - ‘too drunk’ and had to check with a friend. Code for ‘give me a chance to come up with a plausible lie’

Forgetting his wedding ring - he didn’t care about putting it back on. It’s easier to pull without it.

He has 0 respect for you and to be honest your a doormat. He’s walking all over you and your making excuses for him! It’s unreal.

But PrizeOik answered your question perfectly. When your bringing it up he simply wants you to shut up and go away. He will shag around when he’s away and doesn’t need to hear you moaning before he goes ruining his fun!

Sorry OP but reading your first post I think he cheats on you whenever he wants to/he can when away for work. It is probably a mixture of prostitutes/strip club encounters/opportunistic encounters with women he meets.

Most people don't actually walk in on their husband having sex with another woman - the only definitive proof you can really have. What people do is they set their boundaries and if the other person goes over them - well you draw your conclusions.

For me - your husband has gone over so many boundaries I think my dog would be able to bark "he is cheating"

I think you aren't ready to face it yet. you will be some day soon. Or you will be forced to face it when he announces he has a new girlfriend.

Oh and people don't change.

And if my husband looked up tinder I wouldn't be so naive as to think he wasn't planning on cheating on me. I would be more likely to think he was currently cheating on me.

This guy has done a real number on you.

and I really mean this for your sake - have an STD check no matter what you believe or think.

Just seen your post about him being forces and saying gong out drinking is typical behaviour. It is, I agree and so is cheating when your away on tour!

My brother is single and in the forces and 95% of his married male mates have shagged someone else when on tour. They all cover for each other. I have a female friend who just left the army as well and she also confirms that basically everyone is shagging everyone when away from home.

But I think you would have to walk in on him actually doing the deed for you to believe it! Even photos probably wouldn’t be enough, I mean.. they would probably be photoshopped!

OreoMini so true it's rife!

I should've known better I grew up round squaddies I KNEW what they were like but no... I had to convince myself "he was different" more fool me!

Infrequent communication, "Researching" the Tinder app (everyone knows its a dating/hook up app) and "forgetting" to wear his wedding ring on nights out are major red flags. OP I feel like you know that he's being unfaithful to you but you're clinging onto a fairy tale version of him. He's acting like a single man. If he really cared about you then you wouldn't be feeling so insecure. I'm so sorry OP but you deserve a man, not a boy.

FYI op "what goes on tour stays on tour" isn't just about covering up, most of them genuinely don't consider sex while on tour "cheating" especially if it doesn't include piv sex. So oral and anal - "not cheating" sex with a pro "not cheating"

I think you are posting because you want us all to say "Its ok, all men are like that and most of them dont cheat, dont worry about it".

But we cant. Because most men dont behave like that and the ones that do are invariably cheating in some form.

You keep defending him in the hope that what you want to be true is in fact the truth. You are not ready to see what is staring you in the face, keep posting and when you are ready to see it, we will be with you every step of the way, whatever you decide.

What you appear to be seeing is that he has never been honest with you at any time in your relationship. Who wants to be with a person you can't trust. You don't want friends you can't trust and u=you sure don't want a partner you cannot trust.

That condom was used to fuck another woman.

Do you think he used it as a water balloon or something?

Sorry OP, but you already have the proof he is cheating. Lots of it.

Now its up to you to decide whether you can continue in the marriage or not. If you would rather turn a blind eye than thats a perfectly valid decision, but not one that I could personally live with.

Yes, still not all as straightforward as that though, as they take rings off for work (think machinery and accidents), and I guess it wasn't important to him to put it back on every time before going out.

OP, give your head a wobble, you're in complete denial. Even down to making excuses for your DH - you know he takes his wedding ring off when he's away, and now you're minimising it by linking it to his job, which is beside the point.

When you got married to this 'winner' did you honestly buy into him being away for months on end, acting like a single man with minimal contact with you, his porn habit etc? Hopefully that wasn't your image of what happy married life entails.

You've wasted decades on a relationship that sounds like a living nightmare. I won't say 'bin him' because you don't seem to have any intention of changing the situation.