Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When he says he's having a nice time

32 replies

Itsjustmarley · 24/04/2018 07:15

So just need a bit of advice on what you think of this.

Been dating a guy, we've been on quite a fair few dates now, last one ended up sleeping together. I've been messed about so much in the past I was just upfront in the beginning and said I would like to meet someone. Now last night I ask him if he's looking for something and he said to me 'he's having a nice time and he's keeping an open mind about it'. I just want to know how would you take this to mean?

OP posts:
SoapOnARoap · 24/04/2018 07:27

I think you’re trying to wade in too deep, too quickly.

You’ve only had a few dates & slept together the once & expecting anything more, other than the answer he gave you, is setting yourself up to fail.

It sounds like you want me already, don’t push things & let nature take its course. The best dating advice I’ve ever read on Mumsnet, is to look no further ahead, than the time you’ve been together.

SoapOnARoap · 24/04/2018 07:27

Want more, not me! Grin

Ryder63 · 24/04/2018 07:28

Keeping his options open? Shagging about?

Original poster
Itsjustmarley · 24/04/2018 07:48

Thanks soap we've had more than a few dates though. I wasn't asking for exclusivity, I was just kinda seeing if we were on the same page about wanting someone.

And Ryder I actually took it like he's keeping his options open as well Hmm

OP posts:
userabcname · 24/04/2018 07:53

Hmm sounds to me like he sees what you have as quite casual. Have you discussed being exclusive? If not I would also take that to mean he wants to / is seeing other people.

Addictedtohavingbabies · 24/04/2018 07:55

I would take it as he quite fancies you but doesn't want anything serious with you and is possibly seeing other women. It's an easy cop out for someone to use when dating and trying not to make false promises that are hard to get out of later.

GruffaloPants · 24/04/2018 07:59

How long have you been dating? I think his response is fine if it's less than a couple of months. It sounds like he is saying it's too early to know where this will go, but so far, so good.

trojanpony · 24/04/2018 08:57

I’d be making Hmm face
And Shock at “Keeping an open mind”.

You clearly want a relationship and sound like you’ve been upfront. From the sounds of it he wants to fart about and is probably waiting to see if something better comes along...

MMmomDD · 24/04/2018 10:03

A few dates, and just started to sleep together is far far to early to have those conversations.

If a man did that to me - i’d be wondering if it’s me that he wants or is he auditioning candidates for a ‘relationship’.

What he told you is a normal, and honest, and healthy approach to life.

One needs to meet the right person to want to be in a relationship with.
It’s not a rush, there is no schedule.

Unfortunately - with women and our fertility schedule - we forget the natural order of things and get surprised when men don’t seem to want to follow it.

Original poster
Itsjustmarley · 24/04/2018 10:40

Thanks for all your responses, I appreciate all the different outlooks on it.

My view on dating is that if you're keen on me then just date and get to know me, I'm not into the whole multiple dating as I don't want to be just someone's option. If I like someone then I'll just want to get to know them. Apparently I'm very wrong in my idea but that's how I feel and if I end up alone with lots of dogs then I'd still be very happy Grin
I don't think he wants to date me now... Ah well

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 24/04/2018 10:50

OP it sounds like he’s keeping his options open, and probably dating other people.

I’m old fashioned - or so it would seem - because as far as I’m concerned if I’ve been on several dates with someone and had sex with them, then I expect exclusivity. I’m not asking for lifelong commitment, but I’m asking that they don’t go on dates and have sex with other people. If that’s what they want to do, then fine, but I won’t be one of those people.

furb · 24/04/2018 10:58

I too would not multiple date, but everyone is different. You are right too about simply getting to know someone if you like them and seeing where it goes, thats all you can do

Its always difficult when you start to get to know someone isnt it, as it takes many years to learn about life from their perspective and the intent and context of your conversations with one another can be analysed and misunderstood at first, but i think with time the meaning will be better understood. That is the joy of starting off a new journey with someone, but we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and that is where I find my inner control freak struggles at times haha!

Aslong as you are happy to see where it takes you, go for it. That is all you can do and if you feel uneasy, or vulnerable, reflect on why and you may find that you have the answer without needed to seek reassurance from him/her just now.

time will tell...

pigmcpigface · 24/04/2018 10:59

I would read it as - "I'm not ready for any commitment any time soon, but I'm enjoying things as they are".

tierraJ · 24/04/2018 11:10

I feel that if you're having sex then you need to know where you stand - does he see you as his girlfriend or as a FB? Is he stringing you along for sex?

I'm not exactly old fashioned- nothing wrong with a bit of fun but I would want to know we are both on the same page?

MMmomDD · 24/04/2018 11:13

OP - it doesn’t need to be framed as this black as white.
You don’t know if he is into you or not; if he wants to multiple date or not.
He hasn’t said any of that. He was just honest that it’s way too early to know anything.

These sort of things are time sensitive. Coming out this strongly after one evening of sex would scare off many normal and decent people. Would bring up expectations, even if you don’t mean it that way.

And timing - of having it after sex - also makes it look like you think having sex is linked to some sort of commitment.
And it all feels forced.

Just let it develop naturally next time. Get to really know each other. And then - when it’s a right time - such conversations won’t scare anyone off.

Original poster
Itsjustmarley · 24/04/2018 11:25

MMmomDD I don't agree with that normal and decent people get scared if you're starting to sleep with them and just want to know where you stand. It's more people who don't want committment that get scared. I'm normal and decent and wouldn't have a problem with someone wanting to know... especially if you're sleeping with them, I think it's quite fair actually.

OP posts:
CackleCrackle · 24/04/2018 11:30

I totally agree marley, and mintychoc - fine if you have had one or two dates but if you’ve had a string of dates and sex and he’s saying that then I’d boot him out and find someone better.

People put up with too many commitment-phobe chancers on OLD - if he’s not sure he wants to be exclusive at this stage he’s a waste of time.

Onemansoapopera · 24/04/2018 11:44

It means he's having a nice time. Assume you are too. So all is good?

MMmomDD · 24/04/2018 13:30

OP- it’s possible not to know where one stands after a few dates and first time sex.
It takes a lot longer to figure out the other person.

And if a man started talking to me about exclusivity after we sleep together once - i’d think he is insecure and possessive. And it’s no really about me - as he can’t possibly know me yet.

SendintheArdwolves · 24/04/2018 13:46

Maybe, instead of speculating about what he might be thinking (always a waste of time) why don't you think about what YOU want?

Do you want to know if he's seeing anyone else?
Do you now have a presumption of exclusivity with him?
Do you want to start using terms like "boyfriend"?
Do you expect to see him every weekend and start to meet his friends?

There aren't any wrong answers to this, OP, but think in your own mind what you would actually be comfortable with. Then initiate a conversation in which you can tell him this and hear what he has to say, rather than asking vague, leading questions and then overanalysing his answers.

There is a risk with new relationships that one party (usually the more emotionally invested) ties themselves up in knots with endless speculation about what the other person is secretly thinking and feeling and it breeds a weirdly passive-but-frustrated kind of tension, where everything is a secret test and the party if the second part is expected to intuit what the party of the first part wants and then provide it.

Think about how you would like the relationship to be, and then say that to your date, OP. See if he's on the same page.

MargoLovebutter · 24/04/2018 13:53

I think it really helps to have these conversations very early on, so that you don't end up at cross purposes.

On the first date, there is little to lose in saying it like it is. If you are clear and spell out that you are looking for an exclusive relationship, then there can be no confusion. Ask what they are looking for too and really, really listen to the answer.

You've had a few dates & slept together without establishing any of this. You've had half of the the conversation now & he has given you his answer, which suggests to me that he may not be on the same page as you. So you can carry on & hope he might change his mind, or you could cut your losses and move on.

Addictedtohavingbabies · 24/04/2018 14:20

I think it was fine for you to ask at this point. You need to know where you stand, otherwise you run the risk of having your time wasted. You need to know you're both after the same thing.
I've always found that when a guy is really into you, you won't need to ask questions as he will make it clear that he likes you.

Original poster
Itsjustmarley · 24/04/2018 14:23

It's been more than a few dates. And if I'm going to start sleeping with him now, I just don't want him to be multiple dating still, I want him to just want to get to know me now in the hopes that it might turn into something on getting to know each other more. And I did tell him from the very start I was looking to meet someone.
Update though he's said he's not dating anyone else, he said he was open to the idea of seeing what happens with us

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 24/04/2018 14:30

"Having a nice time" though? That's something you say on a trip to the zoo.
It's such a non statement. "I enjoy spending time with you, I like you as a person so let's see if something develops" would be a better response. Nice time means nothing. He hasn't answered your question at all. Are you looking for a relationship with someone? isn't a difficult question to answer.
I don't agree that you should tip toe around men and never talk about feelings in case you "scare them off". They're not timid squirrels.

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/04/2018 14:35

Hmm.

I would be open about saying that if he does decide to date anyone else then you’ll need to know as that’s a deal breaker for you - it’s not possessive it’s just wanting all the information so you can make your own choices as he will make his.

I wouldn’t be annoyed at him not ‘labelling’ anything at this stage but that’s your prerogative - if you’re not comfortable to sleep with him without being in a relationship with him then just put a stop to that side of things. Don’t feel any pressure to keep sleeping with him just because it has happened once.