Show my cards or wait?

[showingmycards]

NC due to acute embarrassment.

I think my husband has seen an escort today.

We had a massive row this morning and I asked him to leave the house. I expected him to drive away but he left on foot. This made me curious as to what his plans were so I stalked him on the Find Friends app.

(For info: we used this so I could find him when we went on holiday and it's just been on ever since. He isn't aware of it still being in use as far as I know but I've just not said anything as it's handy for spying- usually just in terms of checking how far away he is on his way home from work without having to call him etc. But, yes I am clearly a bit mad for having this stalking facility - I accept that.)

So I noticed he was heading into town. He had plans later in the afternoon to meet his friends there but was hours early for that so I kept an eye on where he was going, out of curiosity. So I saw him moving through the streets of the city centre and then he stopped for a while in a place that wasn't a pub or cafe so I looked up what was there and it's an escort agency.

He had sent a text on WhatsApp just before I saw this so I replied to it and it wasn't read for a good 20 minutes. His phone is never out of his hand, especially if he was sat alone in the city centre.

I am not sure exactly how reliable the app is: could he have been somewhere close by? To be honest though, I very much doubt this since it knows exactly where our house is when we're in.

Furthermore, a couple of months ago a similar thing happened... he said he was held up at work and would be home late. I could tell he was lying and more likely going to the pub. Used the app to check my suspicions and low and behold, showed him at a brothel (Different one- works in another town). I confronted him about this- did not mention the find friends app- just said I knew he was lying and he confessed to have gone for drinks with lads from work. Hard thing was that the pub he said they went to was right next to the escort agency so could have been plausible. I then apologised for doubting him...

So, what do we think? Am I paranoid and hormonal? Or is he a lying scumbag? And if the latter, what do I do? Do I have enough evidence to confront him without him weaselling our of it or do I dig for more?

Ideally I want to check his bank account but don't know his login details. I could use his card reader and pinch his debit card out of his wallet to reset the password.

I know, by the way that I am insane on the stalking front- I have issues, don't need a lecture.

Get an STI check now!
You know what is happening.
Do you have DC together?
What is the living situation?
I'd be so far gone you would not see me for dust.

Ah yeah - poor poor bloke A4710
To have to be reduced to using prostitutes - poor little diddums!!!

I can't see anything wrong with gathering your evidence. Even if your suspicions were only based on a gut feeling. Good luck OP. Maybe try to catch him out, if not maybe a PI is a good idea.

*To have to be reduced to using prostitutes
*
We don't know that he is, do we?

Op didn't start tracking him because she was suspicious. She didn't have the 'gut feeling' that people keep referring to. She continued tracking him after the holiday because she wanted to, and he forgot about it.

Please just be aware, before everyone starts baying to ltb, that this app is not accurate enough to jump to big life-changing decisions.

Op, I know you've had a big row and are angry, and you may now be suspicious, but he could indeed have been sitting in a pub or cafe, or on a park bench, or walking through the city centre.

I’m not sure why people are siding with him. I thought no you know in your heart what he is up to which is why you checked up on him, the fact that he has been located at 2 separate knocking shops isn’t just coincidence?

I think your marriage is over what ever the outcomes me, you dont trust him and you probably have reason for this. You either wait and try and get more evedence or you leave him now, you don’t need evedence to leave, you just need to be ready for him to deny it.

I totally get why you're doing it, most of us would do the same in your situation.

Personally if I wanted to catch him out, the next time you find him at one of those places go down there and wait for him to come out. Then tell him to pack his bags because it's over. If he denies doing anything, walk home with him and get him to show you all his bank accounts/emails/anything else you want to see.

I wouldn't have sex with him now until you know for sure. This is so vile.

Anyone berating you for using this app, ignore them. Trust your gut.

I genuinely don't understand why people keep saying that she was right to use the app because she had suspicions about him.

She didn't have any suspicions about him when she started using it.

She's been tracking him on it for a long time without his knowledge, I think that's vile actually. I'd hate it if my dp was doing that to me, and I've probably lied about running late or whatever a few times too.

I wish I had had the means to track my h last year when he was acting strangely. Would have been able to uncover his escort habit and save myself the humiliation of an STI and give myself time to get my ducks in a row. If you have a gut feeling then my advice would be never ever ignore that feeling.

She didn't track him because he was acting strangely. She's been tracking him for months, since a holiday, for no apparent reason.

Yesterday the app indicated that he was near a brothel, though of course there are several other possibilities and I'm sure no one wants op to end a relationship over a triangulation error.

If she wasn’t suspicious she wouldn’t have felt the need to check though.

'For info: we used this so I could find him when we went on holiday and it's just been on ever since. He isn't aware of it still being in use as far as I know but I've just not said anything as it's handy for spying- usually just in terms of checking how far away he is on his way home from work without having to call him etc. But, yes I am clearly a bit mad for having this stalking facility - I accept that.'

This is what op said about why she spies on him. Nothing about being suspicious, having a gut feeling or anything else. She just likes to keep tabs on him.

Can I just add here, for a bit of perspective as a fella, that many years ago, around two years before my first marriage broke down, I started going places on my own after work so I wouldn't have to spend time in the company of my wife. I would sit in the bar at Euston station with a pint, or call into a pub on the way home from the station in order to get home after her bedtime. I was always on my own, except for a copy of the evening standard. If she asked where I was, I would lie, because who wants to tell their wife that they hate being in her company?

I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but things are not always as they seem. Personally, if I found that a wife or life partner was using GPS tracking to check on my movements when I was out on my own, I would be off like a shot.

I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't use it, but please recognise that as soon as you do, it's 99% certain that your relationship is finished, whatever you find out.

There's an old saying to someone with a hammer every problems appears as a nail
You are spying on your husband and looking for a specific thing (massage parlor, brothel etc), what about the things you are not looking for???? Each location could have a coffee shop, or model railway enthusiasts shop or just a bench he can sit on. I suspect you are not looking for these, so you don't see them. You are only looking for your nail.

For me not telling your DH you are spying on him is lying by omission, same as outright lying. Which you called your DH out on

No response Op?

Spying on your husband? People suggesting private investigaters?? REALLY?!

Sorry, if you have to go to that length then your marriage is already over.

Whether he’s cheating or not, you don’t trust him.

Having a gut instinct of mistrust in my opinion isn't enough to break up a family for

What if you were just going through a weird patch and had got a bit paranoid? Would you be happy throwing it all away knowing it was maybe over nothing?

In my situation I felt I needed proof in order to make an informed decision so I looked, and found it sadly