Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Show my cards or wait?

66 replies

showingmycards · 23/04/2018 23:26

NC due to acute embarrassment.

I think my husband has seen an escort today.

We had a massive row this morning and I asked him to leave the house. I expected him to drive away but he left on foot. This made me curious as to what his plans were so I stalked him on the Find Friends app.

(For info: we used this so I could find him when we went on holiday and it's just been on ever since. He isn't aware of it still being in use as far as I know but I've just not said anything as it's handy for spying- usually just in terms of checking how far away he is on his way home from work without having to call him etc. But, yes I am clearly a bit mad for having this stalking facility - I accept that.)

So I noticed he was heading into town. He had plans later in the afternoon to meet his friends there but was hours early for that so I kept an eye on where he was going, out of curiosity. So I saw him moving through the streets of the city centre and then he stopped for a while in a place that wasn't a pub or cafe so I looked up what was there and it's an escort agency.

He had sent a text on WhatsApp just before I saw this so I replied to it and it wasn't read for a good 20 minutes. His phone is never out of his hand, especially if he was sat alone in the city centre.

I am not sure exactly how reliable the app is: could he have been somewhere close by? To be honest though, I very much doubt this since it knows exactly where our house is when we're in.

Furthermore, a couple of months ago a similar thing happened... he said he was held up at work and would be home late. I could tell he was lying and more likely going to the pub. Used the app to check my suspicions and low and behold, showed him at a brothel (Different one- works in another town). I confronted him about this- did not mention the find friends app- just said I knew he was lying and he confessed to have gone for drinks with lads from work. Hard thing was that the pub he said they went to was right next to the escort agency so could have been plausible. I then apologised for doubting him...

So, what do we think? Am I paranoid and hormonal? Or is he a lying scumbag? And if the latter, what do I do? Do I have enough evidence to confront him without him weaselling our of it or do I dig for more?

Ideally I want to check his bank account but don't know his login details. I could use his card reader and pinch his debit card out of his wallet to reset the password.

I know, by the way that I am insane on the stalking front- I have issues, don't need a lecture.

OP posts:
happyinherts · 24/04/2018 06:50

Really don't see what evidence you have. There are so many 'seedy' establishments in town centres that apps can put you 'at' one, when you may legitimately be reading a newspaper on a bench.

Yes, he has lied to you. Not good. But have you considered that he may be so desperate for time alone, that he's making excuses for drinks with lads at work? What was the row about which caused you to ask him to leave? Are you as controlling in other areas of your life as you appear to be regarding tracking his every movement. No wonder the man lies? You're treating him as a child with no freedom. Everyone deserves personal space until they cross a line - you have no evidence he has crossed that line.

To be quite honest, I wouldn't blame him if he had. It would be a deal breaker, but your relationship is beyond saving. It's not healthy to stalk someone to this level.

Bekabeech · 24/04/2018 06:51

And unless he admits it or I get unequivocal proof, I can't be certain enough to LTB.

This is your real problem. You really don't need 100% proof of infidelity/using prostitutes to LTB.
Maybe get some counselling (by yourself) to sort out why you are clinging on so hard.

SoapOnARoap · 24/04/2018 07:32

I think you need to confront him. As an aside, you’ll need to confront your stalking as well.

diamondsandrose · 24/04/2018 07:45

The privacy brigade haven't been cheated on..
You wait until it happens to you. Would you walk away over simply having a feeling of distrust/gut instinct?

LTB over "trust is gone anyway if you have to snoop?" With kids involved?
No way

Follow your gut OP , get your proof and then make your decision. Something is off and you know it.
You're not stalking ffs he accepted the app, he's just forgotten he has it.

Just be careful as these apps aren't totally accurate when it's a busy city centre with lots of businesses on top of each other

Smeddum · 24/04/2018 07:46

You need to raise your standards of what you deserve OP. And quickly. You deserve more than you’re getting at the moment, proof or no proof.

Zaphodsotherhead · 24/04/2018 07:54

I've never found these 'location finders' to be completely accurate though. My phone (my OWN phone) often tells me I'm several hundred yards from where I actually am - I guess for Location Finder 'near enough' is good enough?

You have a very small baby too. It's often a really tough time for couples, with sleep deprivation and PND thrown into the mix... maybe suggest some time apart (although that will mean you dealing full time with the baby, which won't help you). If you sort of 'give him his freedom', by having a breathing space, he will show his true colours soon enough if he's up to something. And if he isn't, maybe a bit more sleep will enable you both to sort things out.

RainyApril · 24/04/2018 08:00

You can't rely on Find Friends for something this serious. It is only as accurate as the gps signal it is receiving, which can be compromised by the weather or trees or high buildings. If it can't pick up gps it uses wifi triangulation that is even less accurate.

So it can probably be trusted to tell you that he was lying about being stuck on a train, but it can't be trusted to tell you which address he was at in a city centre with pinpoint accuracy.

I've been cheated on, and I know the importance of finding evidence and proof to justify ending a marriage, but you are making some massive unfair leaps here.

LovelySouffle · 24/04/2018 08:10

Do brothels appear on Apple Maps then? Gosh.

I have trouble finding a petrol station half the time.

daisychain01 · 24/04/2018 08:13

The dealbreaker is the loss of confidence and trust, OP. Without that, even if all your facts don't turn out to be 100% accurate, you have sufficient doubt in your mind and his claims are inaccurate enough for you to have built a clear picture that this man deceives and isn't always where he says he is. His facts don't stack up.

I wouldn't waste too much more of your emotional energy trying to pull together absolute concrete proof. Let's face it, your relationship is in a bad way and he has shown you who he is. And you don't need a case file on him to tell him it's over, you have a right to walk away any time you like. Which I would, if I were in your position x

ForTheLoveOfCrispyCreme · 24/04/2018 08:17

I think you're a little nuts.. but no smoke without fire etc etc

I'd be ready to follow him next time.. if you see he's in the agency near you, I'd get down there to see him come out. Then lay the cards on the table.

RainyApril · 24/04/2018 08:24

All he's done wrong is lie, twice, about being stuck at work or on a train, when he was actually going to the pub.

This is a man who is being tracked by his wife, yet has only been caught out twice (once being today, after a massive row).

Honestly, given that level of control, which must surely manifest itself in other areas of life too, I don't think I'd be above 'being stuck at work' so I could go for a quick drink either.

I agree with everyone who says the relationship is dead, and it's certainly time to call it a day.

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 24/04/2018 08:25

Pity you haven't got Google's Find My Device/Phone. You'd need his google account password to access it. It pinpoints them down to the exact location, for example - you can see if it is in a pub or out in the beer garden and you can see when it moves. The first time you use it to track from a different device, it sends a msg to the phone to say but after the first legitimate use then it's a free for all to track someone. You can then screenshot the location if you wanted evidence.
I will just add here that I DO use it for legitimate reasons but can fully see the potential in situations like the OP. Just saying.

bunchofdrapes · 24/04/2018 08:39

Let's assume you find he is not guilty: is your relationship going to go back to 100% great the next instant?

If the answer is no you're wasting your time playing Sherlock.

Either have a serious comprehensive discussion or plan an exit.

snewname · 24/04/2018 08:52

If I was suspicious I'd have started investigating too, although you probably should have mentioned that you track him when it was all for innocent reasons. I'd be very upset if I found my dp did that without me knowing.
Dp and I track each other and the kids sometimes, as do the kids us, and it is all out in the open and for good reasons but it's still quite disconcerting sometimes to know that people know exactly where you are.

summerinthecountry · 24/04/2018 08:58

Why don't you trust him?

What has he done to make you feel this way?

RainyApril · 24/04/2018 12:57

Nobody would say that to a woman who was being tracked and monitored by her partner - what did you do to make him feel like that.

Op might come on and drip feed a big list of dishonest things he's done, but at the moment he hasn't done anything at all.

kingdavid · 25/04/2018 04:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Adayindisney67 · 25/04/2018 07:53

Any update OP... Lurker here backing your corner.. Sod the people who think its stalking.
If I thought my H was visiting prostitutes i would do exactly the same.

Whisky2014 · 25/04/2018 07:58

People come on here thinking their husbands cheat and they are advised to hire private investigators. To me, this app is the same thing just cheaper.
I think he has been up to no good but you will need to get hard evidence.
Also, i dont think the double tick means its been read just that it was delivered

RainyApril · 25/04/2018 08:14

I think the difference is that she wasn't a suspicious wife who decided to do some digging.

She started tracking him on holiday, with his permission, and then continued to do so. Through following his whereabouts for several months she has noticed that he was in the vicinity of brothels on two occasions.

As sensible people have pointed out, they are prevalent in city centres. They could be in the flat above the pub you're drinking in, the shop you're browsing in, the takeaway you're parked outside. Not to mention that the app developer says on their website that it is not fool proof. It is only as good as the gps signal it receives, or the (notoriously unreliable) WiFi triangulation it falls back on.

If it's made op suspicious enough to start digging then I'm not disagreeing with that. But tracking him all this long while is wrong, and if I thought my dp was doing that I'd be outraged.

Whisky2014 · 25/04/2018 12:41

And id be outraged if my husband was shagging around.
Swings and round abouts. No one looks good here but sometimes the stalking is a symptom not the cause.

serialcheat · 25/04/2018 14:36

You have a young baby, so probably, both stressed, tired, angry, resentful........

Definitely compounded by his apparent lack of support and patience, and your obsession with his location and whereabouts at all times.

Sometime apart would do you both the world of good so you can both get your sense of perspective, back.

Adora10 · 25/04/2018 14:53

You are not a stalker, that is pretty clear; he knows the app was put on he's just forgotten about it, it's been used before by the OP to see where he is in terms of time getting home so what has she done so bad apart from using the frickin thing!

Sorry OP, does not look good, app has put him at two brothels when he has lied about where he is and what he is doing.

Your gut is important too; you know deep down he is up to something.

Adora10 · 25/04/2018 14:54

Agree with above, get a Private Dect; they are not as expensive as you think.

A4710Rider · 25/04/2018 14:56

Holy crap, what did I just read.

Poor, poor bloke.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.