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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop him destroying me?

47 replies

Bonnieblue123 · 23/04/2018 20:19

I left my husband 2 years ago after 15 years together. It was a marriage that involved emotional abuse and I completely changed as a person as a result of that.

He was extremely shocked when I left but I did it for my own sanity plus the fact I didn’t want the children to grow up with an emotional wreck of a mother. I moved out and rented a house and never looked back.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I knew I couldn’t stay in the marriage.
Naturally, there have been very hard times, one minute we are trying to get on, then it gets nasty ( kids are never aware of this) he is very manipulative and told all and sundry how I left him devastated and how is destroyed him. He is very popular where we live and I know he has badmouthed me in the past as I have heard about it.

I can only assume he is trying to paint me as “the bad one” and as hard as I try I can’t help letting it get to me as throughout our marriage he was awful at times.

About a year ago,I met a lovely man who is the complete opposite and who offered me so much love. My ex’s reaction was to tell everyone “can’t believe she’s moved on with an ugly bloke, I’d accept it better if he was good looking “ and basically again ripped me to shreds. He made jokes about my new partner’s appearance (even to the kids )so much so that I felt I couldn’t be happy. He is now playing the game with me where he is acting like my best friend but I’m keeping my distance as I don’t trust him. It seems as though he just can’t let me move on and I feel I’m being judged by everyone that listens to him.

I know I need to get a grip but it’s so hard to do that when I feel like he is trying to ruin things. For the record he has had numerous dates and a few flings but nothing serious.

How can I stop letting him affect me so much?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 23/04/2018 20:41

Stop socialising with people who are telling you what he's saying about you. Revolting little drama seekers. Tell them "I don't wish to hear the latest lies, thanks anyway" and cut them out if they continue with the bullshit.

Keep contact with him to essential arrangements about DC only. How old are they? If they're old enough to arrange their own contact then you need never speak to him again.

Sally2791 · 23/04/2018 20:49

Horrible insecure little man. Don't listen to a word, get on with your new life

Angelf1sh · 23/04/2018 21:03
  1. Only talk to him about the kids.
  2. accept you can’t control what other people believe and if they choose to believe him then you’re better off without them and cut them from your lives.
  3. tell anyone you haven’t cut out that you don’t want to hear about the things he has said about you. If they’re concerned about your safety, they can tell you but if it’s just gossip then they shouldn’t.

If you stop engaging with him and his nonsense then over time you’ll stop caring about it.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 21:07

Don't allow him to act as your best friend. Contact should be about the children only.

Don't engage in conversation with him. Don't allow him in your house. Don't mix with friends of his and maintain a business like relationship with him.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2018 21:09

Detach. Minimal contact on purely practical grounds re contact with the kid. Do it by email with drop offs at the end of the drive. Tell everyone you know that you will no longer discuss anything to do with him.

Stop trying to get along with him. Neutralise all his potential ammunition. Ignore his opinions. He hates you and will not stop trying to hurt you while you leave yourself open to it.

Original poster
Bonnieblue123 · 23/04/2018 21:10

Thank you all for reading and your advice. The children are 12 and 14 so are able to communicate with him but my 12 year old still insists I ring dad to confirm things. I’m annoyed that I’m letting him get to me, I used to be such a strong person and it’s hard to recognise that I’m not like that anymore. He just had that way of making me feel I’m doing something wrong, like being in the new relationship and I fear he is making the kids think that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonnieblue123 · 23/04/2018 21:11

*has that way

OP posts:
numptynuts · 23/04/2018 21:13

So, he's getting his flying monkeys to get into your head?

And....what other people think of you is none of your business Wink

He's as jealous as fuck and serves him right. Do not let him spoil what he had no chance to give you because he's a cunt.

Onwards and upwards!!! Thanks

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/04/2018 21:29

You say you left him but then you say he's got enough accesss to you that he can act like your best friend. Clearly you forgot to completely leave him. Cut. Him. Off. He does not get access to you to continue his abuse. This has to be your boundary. Like others said, email about contact, nothing else.

If DD insisted on eating nothing but mars bars and drinking gin, would you comply? No? She doesn't get to insist you phone. Her dad has probably manipulated her into demanding it. Stop complying so that he will stop using her to keep you open for abuse.

Ariela · 23/04/2018 22:01

but my 12 year old still insists I ring dad to confirm things

Don't ring to confirm, but text.

Original poster
Bonnieblue123 · 23/04/2018 22:09

Yes texting is how I mainly communicate,I don’t ring him often because I want to avoid speaking to him really. I think I fell into trying to keep it friendly then he’d be easier to deal with. I know it’s not the way to go.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 24/04/2018 10:06

Your child is 12. Let them do it.
Also this my children know nothing is a load of old rubbish - he is using them as a tool. (The are repeating unkind things about your partner and the youngest is insisting you call to confirm? Come now....)

Also this made my jaw drop
My ex’s reaction was to tell everyone “can’t believe she’s moved on with an ugly bloke, I’d accept it better if he was good looking “ and basically again ripped me to shreds. He made jokes about my new partner’s appearance (even to the kids )so much so that I felt I couldn’t be happy.

You felt you couldn’t be happy??? Hmm
I wouldn’t give a shiny shit. In fact I’d be laughing my arse off i’d left an abusive twat and found a nice man - your reaction is honestly not normal.

I kindly but genuinely suggest counselling to work on boundaries and self esteem

Original poster
Bonnieblue123 · 24/04/2018 11:27

When I said I couldn’t be happy I just felt as though I was doing something wrong as my ex hadn’t moved on and I felt he was manipulating the kids to think that way. I know it shouldn’t matter, of course I do but it’s infuriating that I feel bad.

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 24/04/2018 11:29

Please tell me you didn’t dump the lovely man because of this scum bag?

Original poster
Bonnieblue123 · 24/04/2018 12:42

No we are still seeing each other. He is just so kind and considerate. I may go to counselling as my self esteem isn’t great and I know I can be a much stronger person. I’m angry at myself for letting other people affect my life.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 24/04/2018 12:49

Counselling sounds like a plan. It helped me. From what you have said, my divorce was similar in many key points. I hadn't realised that actually, people had worked out he wasn't the 'lovely man' he portrayed himself to be. Someone from church (oh, the irony) had a conversation with me where this was made clear. And him going round making unkind comments about your new man's looks? No nice person is going to think that's ok, or that he is ok either. Don't underestimate the ability of other people to see through the veneer of niceness. Any yes, stop associating with people telling you this stuff.

Original poster
Bonnieblue123 · 24/04/2018 12:56

Spongebob it is very frustrating for me, he comes across as a nice bloke to people (yes really!) and the things I could say but don’t.
He is intent on playing the victim as I left him. I wish he would just move on and stop being so difficult. Divorce is definitely my next step just want no connection with him at all now.

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 24/04/2018 12:56

Ok, so it sounds like you need to set some boundaries and stick to them. Definitely talk to your daughter about the phoning to confirm. It's not necessary any more.

If you are connected with him on social media, block him. If he messages you or emails you, don't respond unless it's about the children.

To build up your self esteem - ask your friends not to tell you about him - and if they start to, tell them to stop, and explain that his influence is negative and you don't need it. If they don't stop, then maybe they aren't your friends.

What do you believe about yourself? How would your friends describe you? What qualities would they say you have? If you don't know, you could ask them. Then remind yourself of those qualities - stick them on post it notes on your mirror, tell yourself you are kind, loyal, funny (whatever those qualities are) - self affirmations are really powerful. Also start to notice when you behave in accordance with those qualities, and pat yourself on the back.

You obviously are strong OP, as you left this man, and you have built a new life. Now you need to start believing in yourself.

Brakebackcyclebot · 24/04/2018 12:58

The big thing I didn't say, that your last post has reminded me of (we cross posted) - you cannot control his behaviour, but you can control your reactions to his behaviour. Focus on this

Any reaction that gives him the response he wants leaves the power in his hands. Ignore his victimhood, let him get on with it. Don't let him interfere in the happiness you are moving towards.

Original poster
Bonnieblue123 · 24/04/2018 13:04

Brake back what lovely advice. Thank you very much. I will try the self affirmations and try to keep positive. I should say it isn’t a group of friends I socialise with that I’ve heard things from, it’s actually the wife of one of his friends (who to be fair is lovely and only told me out of concern) and someone who we knew mutually that I’m not that close to but I happened to see at a function. It won’t be hard to stay away from them really. I just need to stay in a positive strong mindset

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/04/2018 13:04

If people comment or say something I would merely reply "you never know what goes on behind closed doors" and anothe one is "I'm not one for doing my dirty washing in public"

Basically they call him out as a liar without saying anything! Most of all block and detach...

Babdoc · 24/04/2018 13:11

Your shit of an ex is trying to break up your new relationship by any possible means. Sneering at the new man, calling him ugly, trying to make you question your own judgment, while pretending to be your “friend” to try and drag you back into a dependency on him.
The pathetic little prick can’t cope with the fact that you’ve moved on. How dare you be happy with someone else?! How can any man be better than him?! He’ll be having tantrums soon, the poor diddums.
He’s probably panicking that you’re escaping from his influence, and jealous that he doesn’t have a new partner himself.
Please listen to all the PPs who are telling you loud and clear to cut contact with this abusive waste of space.
And yes, have some counselling to help you move on properly. You need to accept that you deserve a decent loving partner, that you can trust your own judgment, that you can live your life perfectly well without some knob trying to shatter your self esteem.
Sending you a hug, and my prayers that you find empowerment and strength to chuck this man and his crap out of your life.

feelingfree17 · 24/04/2018 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoapOnARoap · 24/04/2018 15:04

I don’t think he’s jealous in the slightest but, trying to hold onto whatever little power he has left over you.

As Random said block & detach. Starve the fire of its oxygen

Brakebackcyclebot · 24/04/2018 18:38

Bonnie, do you spend a lot of time wondering why he is doing these things? If you do, stop. There are better questions you can ask yourself. Your brain will try to answer whatever questions you ask it, so ask it good ones.

Like:
What can I do to help myself feel better today?
What makes me feel happy and good?
How else could I view this?
What would my best friend advise me right now?

These sorts of questions will help your brain to shift the focus away from him and back onto you. After all, who is the most important person in your life? YOU!

If you give his motives any brain space, you are giving your power away to him.

I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said something like someone can only make you feel bad about yourself with your consent. This is spot on - so shift your focus back to you and take it off him. He's not worth your energy. But YOU ARE!