How do I stop him destroying me?

[Bonnieblue123]

I left my husband 2 years ago after 15 years together. It was a marriage that involved emotional abuse and I completely changed as a person as a result of that.

He was extremely shocked when I left but I did it for my own sanity plus the fact I didn’t want the children to grow up with an emotional wreck of a mother. I moved out and rented a house and never looked back.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I knew I couldn’t stay in the marriage.
Naturally, there have been very hard times, one minute we are trying to get on, then it gets nasty ( kids are never aware of this) he is very manipulative and told all and sundry how I left him devastated and how is destroyed him. He is very popular where we live and I know he has badmouthed me in the past as I have heard about it.

I can only assume he is trying to paint me as “the bad one” and as hard as I try I can’t help letting it get to me as throughout our marriage he was awful at times.

About a year ago,I met a lovely man who is the complete opposite and who offered me so much love. My ex’s reaction was to tell everyone “can’t believe she’s moved on with an ugly bloke, I’d accept it better if he was good looking “ and basically again ripped me to shreds. He made jokes about my new partner’s appearance (even to the kids )so much so that I felt I couldn’t be happy. He is now playing the game with me where he is acting like my best friend but I’m keeping my distance as I don’t trust him. It seems as though he just can’t let me move on and I feel I’m being judged by everyone that listens to him.

I know I need to get a grip but it’s so hard to do that when I feel like he is trying to ruin things. For the record he has had numerous dates and a few flings but nothing serious.

How can I stop letting him affect me so much?

Brakeback I tend to think back to the nasty things he would say throughout our marriage,one particular example was “ I feel like I’m married to a nutter” when I was taking anti depressants for a short while. I went from a bubbly, confident woman to someone who was afraid to say certain things for fear of being told I was an idiot or talking rubbish.

Some days I am stronger and think I’m free at last, live life to the full but other days I give in to the negative moods and get annoyed at myself. I have good qualities (as we all have) and I’m taking your earlier advice and reminding myself of them. I have also just looked up an online self esteem course.

I am determined to move on whatever it takes and as another kind poster said pray for the empowerment to get over it.

Block his number and only unblock when you need to discuss the DC. Only ever talk to him about the DC, keep it like a business arrangement. If he starts to go off topic, shut him down.

Bonnie my STBXH used to throw the fact I'd had postnatal depression in my face even years after I'd stopped the tablets.

He is also very insecure about other men & their "attractiveness" as he perceives it - never twigged that attractiveness, for me, has very little to do with actual appearance

He's not particularly good-looking himself & hasn't kept up with general maintenance over the years, so is not improving!

PussGirl just makes me angry that the people you thought loved you can be so hurtful re the depression. I’m well out of it really, I know it’s for the best. Just need to build up the confidence again and not let things get to me.

Absolutely Bonnie - would he be taking the piss if you were epileptic, or diabetic? Depression is an illness!!

Actually, having said that, mine used to take the piss about my wonky teeth, took the piss while I wore a brace in my 40s & then took the piss about having to wear a retainer.

Arse. 100% arse.

Glad you’re out of it too x

People are not stupid. It will obvious to everyone that he is making an utter arse of himself and that it does not reflect on you or your new partner one bit. You said it's stopping you from feeling happy - dammit, that's what the fucker WANTS! Don't give him the satisfaction! Definitely don't allow him to rope your kids into it (what a SHIT). Ignore him, treat him as the irrelevant flesh waste that he is in all matters except where necessary for co-parenting, and enjoy your new relationship with a LOVELY MAN WHO MAKES YOU HAPPY.

PoorYorick thank you. I am calm around my kids as I want them to know I’m not upset. I have no control over what he tells them or chooses to say about me and that makes me angry,but I can only hope they realise one day for themselves why I left him.

Great that you're looking at self esteem courses. Whenever you think of his comments in the past, remind yourself thsg they aren't true. Your new man wouldn't believe them or even think them! Like you say you have no control over what ex says or does, but you can control tour reactions and how much you let him into your head.

You sound like you're doing really well. It dies take time to recover from a relationship that was abusive, and has worn you down. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your new relationship. X

Hi, thank you all for your advice. Since my original post I have gone completely NC and it has worked wonders. I have tried so hard to stay positive too and up until yesterday it was all going well.

Last night my ex phoned my dd and I was downstairs with my np. He has contacted today to say how he knows he was round and how I’d “got rid” of our ds (who had gone to his dad’s to play on his PS4 ) so I could be with np. This is absolute rubbish and I’m livid. I told him so and hung up but he has got to me. My ds lives going to his dad’s and often goes 3 days a week. I’m so angry as I can imagine him feeding the children lies about me being a bad mum. I’m trying so hard to rise above it but need some harsh advice!!

Stop listening to his bullshit.
As soon as he phones, hang up.
You owe him NOTHING.
You must stop letting him get to you.
Please call Womens Aid.
After such a long abusive relationship you need some help.
They can get you specialist counselling and you can do their Freedom Programme.
It will help with your self-esteem, your boundaries, how to deal with the abuser and many other things.
Please do it soon.
I'm assuming you've had no professional outside help since your split?
Get all the help you can. You deserve it.
It really wouldn't bother me what he thought but I've not been conditioned over many many years by an abuser.
You deserve happiness, so get out there and find the tools to deal with it all.
It will take time but you can do it!

So he got in touch and rather than remain NC you got drawn in!

Deep breath next time hang up straight away, file email, file text all without responding

He contacted as our ds is off of school today and was checking on him. He started his stupid comments after which is when I told him to F off and hung up. What really pisses me off is, he does what he wants when he wants (the children live with me) but see him often, so he can live the life of Riley and they don’t see it. They see all of my life and so it looks like I’m a bad parent because I’m now in a new relationship and because he isn’t he thinks he looks like the “good” one.

Thank you hells bells I need to read this advice over and over!

My ex’s reaction was to tell everyone “can’t believe she’s moved on with an ugly bloke, I’d accept it better if he was good looking“ and basically again ripped me to shreds. He made jokes about my new partner’s appearance (even to the kids )so much so that I felt I couldn’t be happy

Your ex is making himself ridiculous. Anyone worth having in your life will see that. Anyone who listens to this rubbish isn't your friend. See it as a helpful way of separating the wheat from the chaff in your life.

Have you had any therapy yet, OP? After 15 years of this man's abuse, it's no wonder you are still a bit raw and react to stimuli from him. He has you trained to do this.

As you have said, NC was working wonders. Now just keep sticking to it. Just keep reinforcing your boundaries and refuse to let him in.

Enjoy your new relationship and please don't let your awful ex spoil this for you.

The best revenge is to live well, as they say.

Here is one of many sites about boundaries:-

www.thriveafterabuse.com/top-10-takeaways-boundaries-pathological-relationship-adelyn-birch/

There are many helpful books out there. I would research a few and buy one.

You will never not need boundaries. You need to learn boundaries for all future relationships (not just romantic). Use your time working on yourself instead of worrying about your idiot of an ex.

I wish you all the best for a happy future, OP

Why do you think you look 'bad' because you are in a new relationship?
You really need to get his negative thinking out of your head.
So you've moved on. So what?
I don't see the issue here.
But you do see one.
Your sense of self and worth is very warped.

Yes, mum has found someone else. Isn't she lucky!!??
Stop making everything a negative.
You are NOT bad!!!
Please get some outside help.

thank you for the link systemlake, I am going to have a look x

When he contacted about your son, could you hand phone to your son? That way he can hear exactly how your son is and does not have a conversation with you.
Good luck with new partner!

As has been said NC as much as possible OP, his bitching about you will be seen as just that, his bitterness etc.

Have the bare minimum contact, he can speak to his kids and arrange to see them without you having to be in the middle.

He sounds thoroughly nasty and jealous because him as a person is a shit.

Nobody believes you left him because he was a nice person!

Nobody admires or respects a man who mocks another person for being ugly. Nobody thinks such a man is a "nice person".

Most people will see through his behaviour. Make sure your children don't think his behaviour is acceptable as they may otherwise think he is an acceptable role model and go on to copy his behaviour. Spare them that!

“can’t believe she’s moved on with an ugly bloke, I’d accept it better if he was good looking“

Silly sad little man. It doesn't matter who you live with/have relationship with as long as it is NOT him!!!!