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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He doesn’t know what he wants

34 replies

Fluffyflump · 23/04/2018 17:39

We have been together over 2 years, he loves me I don’t doubt that but he doesn’t know what he wants! Our kids get on great. He has had a week to himself with minimal contact from me! I see him last night, he claims to love me and miss me, we have sex yet he still doesn’t know what he wants. So currently I feel like I am in limbo! He wants more time, he is nearly 50, I am heartbroken.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 23/04/2018 17:42

He knows exactly what he wants. He wants no-strings-attached sex, a friend with benefits. If this isn't for you, you end things because if you're not wanting the same then he is using you.

Adora10 · 23/04/2018 17:52

Sorry he is just using you for a shag; he clearly is not wanting to commit but you will do meantime until he finds what he thinks is the one, get rid, he's taking full advantage of you.

Sn0tnose · 23/04/2018 18:07

When you are in love with someone, you know that you want to be with them. If he is telling you that he doesn't know whether he wants to be with you, then he genuinely does not love you and does not see any kind of committed future with you.

He tells you he loves and misses you because he wants to have sex and he knows it's what he needs to say in order to have sex with you. If he told you the truth, you would not want to have sex with him.

Take the decision out of his hands and tell him that you are done.

notacooldad · 23/04/2018 18:12

If you feel like you still want him tell him to come back when he has made up his mind.
OR you could say that you know exactly what you want and that is not to be left dangling by some one who wants the best of both worlds. And then tell him to do one!!

My preferd option is the second one.

hedgebackwards · 23/04/2018 18:16

expat has it. Sorry, OP but he doesn't seem interested in a committed relationship does he?

Frosty66612 · 23/04/2018 18:20

When you are properly in love with someone you have zero doubts that you want to be with them or not. Sounds like he fancies you and enjoys your company now and again but he doesn’t want anything more with you than that. Get rid!

category12 · 23/04/2018 18:20

Take the decision out of his hands, stop demeaning yourself by hanging on for him. If he "doesn't know" after two years, then he's really not that into you. Ditch him and look for someone who makes you feel great and doesn't mess you about with such drivel.

Original poster

Fluffyflump · 23/04/2018 18:30

If I had been with him a couple of months, I could walk away no issue, but 2 years when I know he is depressed and not himself, I am struggling to make it work in my head

OP posts:

notacooldad · 23/04/2018 18:32

It's two years not half a century!!
Don't let anyone keep you dangling or have you as their back up plan.

Seriously value yourself above all others!

Ryder63 · 23/04/2018 18:36

Ok, so wait around for another two years. And then another two........

If he's depressed, he needs professional help. While he's sorting his MH out, YOU get out there and have a life of your own.

category12 · 23/04/2018 19:17

How long has he been depressed? How long have you been living the half-life of him "not knowing"?

Onemansoapopera · 24/04/2018 13:41

When you say he doesn't know what he wants, I'm confused - what are the options and in what context?

Without that info, not sure how anyone is commenting.

Shampaincharly · 24/04/2018 13:43

What do you want?

MargoLovebutter · 24/04/2018 13:44

What do you mean he doesn't know what he wants? Do you mean he doesn't know if he wants to be with you?

If that's the case, walk away. You've been together two years & he doesn't know if he likes you /loves you enough to be with you. What an absolute fucker. I don't care how depressed he is, you are worth more than that.

MistressDeeCee · 24/04/2018 18:07

What he wants is as it is now, no commitment, and he's training you to accept that. He will move on if what he feels is a better prospect comes along too. That "I don't know what I want" line is such a dated cliche. It's a passion killer for me anyway .If you're more than halfway thru your life and don't know what you want then you're no bloody use

MistressDeeCee · 24/04/2018 18:09

Oh God..the depressed line as well.

Please OP - look all this up online. He's feeding you 'The Script' and you're falling for it

PrizeOik · 24/04/2018 18:12

Op the most important thing here is that YOU are clear about what YOU want.

Can you talk about that?
What kind of life and relationship would make you happy, do you think?

Original poster

Fluffyflump · 24/04/2018 21:08

I have told him, I am worth more than this, feels shit though! Ecant atop thinking that I’ll never be happy!

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 24/04/2018 21:13

You are worth more than this. You know that, he knows that. He's keeping you dangling and you're holding on. Cut the ties now instead of wasting more time while he keeps his options open.

Original poster

Fluffyflump · 25/04/2018 09:19

I can’t stop thinking of the good times we had, this is too painful, I thought he was the one

OP posts:

SoapOnARoap · 25/04/2018 10:58

What exactly are you asking for?

Original poster

Fluffyflump · 26/04/2018 11:05

I am a mess, I don’t know how to pick myself up from this!

OP posts:

notacooldad · 26/04/2018 11:08

Well you coukd start by making yourself realise that you won't be taken for a fool and be someone else's make do for now.
It's not easy but you have to put your needs first and be with someone who meets those needs.
Your need is to be with some one that wants to be with you for the long haul. This guy diesnt seem to want that.

HollowTalk · 26/04/2018 11:11

Come on, you can do this! He's stringing you along (and I have to say my eyebrows raised at the depressed line. I have experience of living with depression and with a depressed person but it seems to be brought out in this sort of thread so that the OP should feel sorry for the guy and let him treat her badly.)

Original poster

Fluffyflump · 26/04/2018 11:13

I have been in such horrible relationships before, he changed this, he made my happy and loved me for who I am and the baggage I had! He loves me but he needs to be on his own!

OP posts:

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