fiance on dating sites, help please

[emmabreace]

Hi, will try and keep this short...so myself and my fiance (of 10 months) have been together for 4 and a half years. We moved intogether after 6 months due to family issues on his side and a few months after he moved in with me i found out he was using online dating sites. I confronted him, we broke up but resolved it when he apologised, said it was a bad habit from when he was younger amd single and that he didnt realise it was so bad, he swore he would never do it again. It took time but we became strong again. I do have to point out that even tho he is 33 he is quite immature in his mind and also has a mild learning dissability. Roll on to this week, i have found out that he is back on the dating sites, ffs!! Again he has apologised, said he was bored and sorry amd would never do it again. Obvs i have given him back the ring but cant make it public yet as 1 of his family members is going through intense treatment for the next few weeks and this news would just devastate them. We have decided to live in house together and just have minimal contact untill we can tell his family. He swears he loves me and is sorry and hates himself and this has been a huge wake up call for him. Just to add, we were saving to buy a house, trying for a baby amd had amazing goals and dreams for our future that we both shared, he really seemed to want this. So my query is, should i forgive him again and try sort this out ? Although he is not trying to fix this and win me back, i do believe him that he is feeling awful and wishes this didnt happen. He says he is just trying to get through each day and seems pointless to try and fix this as he feels i will tell him to f### off and he has hurt me so much. Im very confused and would appreciate any advice....

[troodiedoo]

I've worked in dating industry for 15 years. Those men that use it to cheat will do it again and again. Always the same type of insecure lying weasel. He'll tell you anything to get you to stay. It's bullshit. Quit while you're behind and dump him.

[JoanFrenulum]

he feels that most men in relationships probably do this

He can feel that all he wants but it's a load of shite.

[AnyFucker]

IF he hasn't physically cheated yet it's because he hasn't managed to set up the sitiation where it could happen, despite his best efforts. Make no mistake....if the oppoortunity came along he will be on it like a rash. And still it would be a "mistake".

[EllaEllaE]

No... most men do not do this. And when a man who respects his partner has time on his hands he gets a hobby, not a spare girlfriend.

Actually the idea that, when he's bored, he has to seek out another woman to stimulate him is pretty damning. Does he not have the ability to fill his own time? Is flirting the only hobby he can think of?

[0ccamsRazor]

You are asking for help Op, I would gladly help you pull up your big girls pants and I would happily help you stick his belongings out into the front garden. I would help you by pouring a big glass of wine for you and passing you the box of tissues as you purge this cheating lying scum of a man out of your system.

I will not help you to minimise his bull shit, or his lies, or his pathetic excuses.

[Joysmum]

If he’s capable of breaking the boundaries he knows you have because he hurt you last time he did it just because he’s ‘bored’, just think of what hurt he’s capable of if life gets tough, or you have a disagreement and dare to upset him!

You’d be a fool to think he’s capable of meeting your needs.

[Karigan1]

He had one chance and he did it again. He’s shown you who he is. Are you going to forgive him when he’s chatting to girls or seeing them on dates too. You don’t go on dating sites just to look. Get out and find someone who’ll give you the respect you deserve

[Gemini69]

He swears he loves me and is sorry and hates himself and this has been a huge wake up call for him

TWICE....

kick his ass out of your life.. and Stop making pathetic excuses for him... you're just enabling him .. find your self respect and get rid of this manky creep

[deste]

Don’t get married, don’t get pregnant and no he will never change. He can promise you he will but he will never stop.

[lifebegins50]

He is telling what he is like..a man who cannot be faithful if he is bored or lonely.

When he cheats he will tell you that you knew what he was like.If he is over 30 he will not change

[penny1ane]

This happened to me a couple of times. Foolishly I forgave them both times it the relationship was never the same afterwards. I have never been an anxious person before but you never really forget it and it always plays on your mind. Who are they texting? are they back on dating site?
You just go round in circles.
Sorry this has happened to you but you really are better of out.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

He swore last time that he'd never do it again. Now, suddenly, this time is a huge wake-up call... how many times does he need to wake up?

You've already given him one chance. He blew it. That's should be it for you.

[SandyY2K]

So he wants you to police him with spyware?

You need to ensure he's not bored to prevent this?

Once you forgive after the first time you word becomes meaningless.

Don't fall into believing every man does this. You gave him a chance and he blew it.

[AnyFucker]

How about he takes responsibility for his own behaviour... past, present and future

It's not your job to prevent him cheating on you again. You couldn't stop him before, so ypu cannot prevent it in the future

Al you can do is remove yourself from the situation.

[Bigpizzalover]

Most people get bored and read a book, watch some tv or have a nap. They do not join dating sites, that suggests the only thing he is bored of is you.

Can you lead a life thinking every time you are away is he doing it again? You’re having an early night as possible baby has been up, is he doing it again? As that’s what life you will be leading. What’s the difference of him doing it 1 time or 100 times as you are letting him get away with it.

[SandyY2K]

that suggests the only thing he is bored of is you.

Good point.

[NapQueen]

Urgh, it would make me a bit sick in my mouth to think that dh would play happy families and have sex with me whilst getting up to this sort of shitty behaviour.

How can you have any respect for him?

[Shampaincharly]

Call it off.
He will just get another phone.

[minimalpatience]

He has done this twice now. He will do it again. He clearly likes the attention and frankly sounds like he is trying to keep his options open.

He is only upset as he has been caught and basically wants to have his cake and eat it. If he genuinely loved or respected you he wouldn't be behaving the way he has been and trying to strike up potential relationships via online dating. Do you always want to be checking up on him?

[minimalpatience]

And most men don't do this. Also when he says "he didnt realise how bad it was untill now". I call BS. You're really telling us that he wouldn't have an issue with you doing it? I'd bet money he wouldn't be happy if you were online dating.

[northernlights0710]

You’re not married yet, no kids yet, seriously OP , this is your out. Run for the hills and thank your lucky stars you found out before marriage and kids.

I know a woman who married someone like this and could never bring herself to leave him. Her life has been a living hell of checking up on him, gut-churning anxiety and constant heartache. Is this really the life you want?

[LovelyBranches]

What is he talking about to these women online? Do you know? Do you mind him getting off on the thrill of the chase because he seems like the kind of person that needs a drama. He needs to be excited by pursuing or being pursued. He’s fighting for you now because he enjoys the thrill of getting you back.

This will not end.

You will spend your life being dragged into bigger situations for his desire for drama. Do you want that? Do you want any future dc to have that?

I wouldn’t.

[bonpinkbon]

He is only saying sorry because he was caught out! He may not of been physical yet but how long until he is? Please wake up and realise what a twat he is!

[donquixotedelamancha]

i still love him and truly believe that he hasnt physically cheated and wouldnt physically cheat

Speaking as a bloke who has made errors, and behaved poorly, in his youth:

He. Is. Lying.

Unless you are very young, you must know this.

Im wondering how common this problem is in this day and age with technology and access to this temptation so readily available.

This has been a trait of human behaviour since before there were humans. Technology has nothing to do with it. Most people manage to be mature, caring and respectful when a relationship is really important to us- some don't.

So my query is, should i forgive him again and try sort this out?

Yes. You clearly want to stay with him, so you need to accept that he will have sex with other people. You also need to understand that he will not see your needs as important. He has been very clear with his actions.

If instead you want a partner who will respect your needs and if you want monogamy, then he is not for you. I think before you look for someone who can form an adult relationship, you might want to question why you are still making excuses, and putting his needs first. You can't expect to find someone else to respect and value you, if you can't manage it for yourself first.

[ArcheryAnnie]

He has since started to beg my forgiveness and is saying he will do anything in his power to fix this.

Except he already had the power to fix this, and screwed it up twice.

He says he feels that most men in relationships probably do this and he didnt realise how bad it was untill now.

This is him already giving himself permission to do it again, as "most men" do it. This is also him blaming you in advance for if he does it again, because he warned you that most men do it, so if you take him back, in his mind more fool you.

You know already that he's not going to change. You deserve more than being shackled to this man.