fiance on dating sites, help please

[emmabreace]

Hi, will try and keep this short...so myself and my fiance (of 10 months) have been together for 4 and a half years. We moved intogether after 6 months due to family issues on his side and a few months after he moved in with me i found out he was using online dating sites. I confronted him, we broke up but resolved it when he apologised, said it was a bad habit from when he was younger amd single and that he didnt realise it was so bad, he swore he would never do it again. It took time but we became strong again. I do have to point out that even tho he is 33 he is quite immature in his mind and also has a mild learning dissability. Roll on to this week, i have found out that he is back on the dating sites, ffs!! Again he has apologised, said he was bored and sorry amd would never do it again. Obvs i have given him back the ring but cant make it public yet as 1 of his family members is going through intense treatment for the next few weeks and this news would just devastate them. We have decided to live in house together and just have minimal contact untill we can tell his family. He swears he loves me and is sorry and hates himself and this has been a huge wake up call for him. Just to add, we were saving to buy a house, trying for a baby amd had amazing goals and dreams for our future that we both shared, he really seemed to want this. So my query is, should i forgive him again and try sort this out ? Although he is not trying to fix this and win me back, i do believe him that he is feeling awful and wishes this didnt happen. He says he is just trying to get through each day and seems pointless to try and fix this as he feels i will tell him to f### off and he has hurt me so much. Im very confused and would appreciate any advice....

[BedtimeTea]

Well I would not stay with him. You should treat yourself with respect, there is no need to waste your affection on a man who doesn't respect your feelings.

[rebeccabecca]

He's sorry he got caught. That is all.

[StopPOP]

Don't make a fool out of yourself for a third time.

He's only sorry because he got caught.

He is bored of you.

Stay if you're not bothered about that, or the fact he will in all probability do it again.

[MrsDilber]

Never mind marriage, having children with someone is a huge, lifelong commitment.

You need to break up with him but, if you don't, you'd be crazy to have kids with him before he does this again, because he will if he's got away with it twice.

[DevilsDoorbell]

It’s all very well that you love him but I’m sorry he doesn’t love you. inknow he says he does but these are not the actions of a man who loves you. He also doesn’t respect you.

He says he’s bored. So what’s he going to do when you are pregnant or coping with a young baby so not able to give him all the attention he wants?

Seriously, get out now. His relative is not your problem. He is using this as an excuse to try and worm his way back in. And you’ve nearly caved in and let him.

Get out now whilst you still can.

[ivykaty44]

He’s sorry he got caught - again, he’s not sorry he’s on the websites as he could meet someone else and not be bored

Why not get yourself a new life without him, you can still have hopes and dreams but just not based on lies

[Graphista]

"truly believe that he hasnt physically cheated and wouldnt physically cheat" why?

And why do you think physical cheating is the boundary? It's just as much of a betrayal to portray himself as single, to deny your relationship.

Most men DON'T do this, he's not even truly remorseful he's justifying unjustifiable actions.

You're away 2 nights a week? I think it's highly likely he has physically cheated even possibly in YOUR bed - now do you want to forgive him?

In 6 months if you leave him I'm very confident you will be much happier and more confident.

If you stay with him you'll likely at the very least find he's done it again, at worst he has a mistress

Do yourself a huge favour, tell him it's no longer up for discussion, you are temporary housemates and nothing more. (And don't let him extend that unnecessarily)

[RiotAndAlarum]

This person is not even grateful enough (for you offering him somewhere to live away from his family problems, for you to agree to delay the news of your breakup so it won't "devastate" his sick relative ) not to be "bored" by you! It shouldn't be all about him. You've given him a lot, and he's really not reciprocating; he just wants you to give him more and more, and not ask him for even a modicum...

Get him out ASAP. He's abusing your generosity and - given that he's no longer a partner - he's being an awful guest!!

[Beaverhausen]

Sorry OP when my DP is bored he sits and listens to radio 5 and plays candy crush, he does not register on dating sites.

[GreenItWas]

If you spend the rest of your life using a cheese grater on your elbows or pouring lemon juice into your eyes do yourself this one favour and leave this total bellend that is your intended. You will very very soon look back and wonder WTF you were thinking. Just do it, there is nothing to agonise over when he is already this much of a creep and a lowllife surely?

[piethagoras]

Hello emma you're in a very difficult position. Can I chuck a bloke's perspective into the mix here?

I don't subscribe to the view that it's obvious that he's been doing this behind your back for years, or that it's obvious that he's been going out and hooking up with and dating these other women. It's not obvious to me. It certainly sits somewhere along the possible to probable scale, but not a certainty.

Have a read of the online dating threads here and see how much trouble some of the dating women have in getting an online match to move forward from just chatting online to actually meeting up face to face. The general concensus there is that it's because the guy is already in some kind of a relationship. Some guys seem to get a kick out of just chatting to other women online.

Having said all that, If I was you in your present position, not married, no kids and no joint financial commitments, I would probably get out now and start fresh, however difficult that might seem.

The biggest red flag for me is the bit about spyware. That struck me as very odd. If I was in that position and wanted to give you guarantees of future transparency, I would give you all my usernames and passwords and tell you you can check my phone and laptop anytime you want. Do you think he will install spyware on the secret pay-as-you-go mobile phone that he might keep hidden in his secret place?

[emmabreace]

Thank you everybody, i really appreciate it.

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

I wanted to believe my ex. I was a fool. I wasted years of my life. Get out now before house, marriage and children.

[trojanpony]

Read the title “your fiancé is on dating sites”

break up with him and find someone who isn’t a cheating bastard l...

[ArcheryAnnie]

He has since started to beg my forgiveness and is saying he will do anything in his power to fix this.

Except he already had the power to fix this, and screwed it up twice.

He says he feels that most men in relationships probably do this and he didnt realise how bad it was untill now.

This is him already giving himself permission to do it again, as "most men" do it. This is also him blaming you in advance for if he does it again, because he warned you that most men do it, so if you take him back, in his mind more fool you.

You know already that he's not going to change. You deserve more than being shackled to this man.

[donquixotedelamancha]

i still love him and truly believe that he hasnt physically cheated and wouldnt physically cheat

Speaking as a bloke who has made errors, and behaved poorly, in his youth:

He. Is. Lying.

Unless you are very young, you must know this.

Im wondering how common this problem is in this day and age with technology and access to this temptation so readily available.

This has been a trait of human behaviour since before there were humans. Technology has nothing to do with it. Most people manage to be mature, caring and respectful when a relationship is really important to us- some don't.

So my query is, should i forgive him again and try sort this out?

Yes. You clearly want to stay with him, so you need to accept that he will have sex with other people. You also need to understand that he will not see your needs as important. He has been very clear with his actions.

If instead you want a partner who will respect your needs and if you want monogamy, then he is not for you. I think before you look for someone who can form an adult relationship, you might want to question why you are still making excuses, and putting his needs first. You can't expect to find someone else to respect and value you, if you can't manage it for yourself first.

[bonpinkbon]

He is only saying sorry because he was caught out! He may not of been physical yet but how long until he is? Please wake up and realise what a twat he is!

[LovelyBranches]

What is he talking about to these women online? Do you know? Do you mind him getting off on the thrill of the chase because he seems like the kind of person that needs a drama. He needs to be excited by pursuing or being pursued. He’s fighting for you now because he enjoys the thrill of getting you back.

This will not end.

You will spend your life being dragged into bigger situations for his desire for drama. Do you want that? Do you want any future dc to have that?

I wouldn’t.

[northernlights0710]

You’re not married yet, no kids yet, seriously OP , this is your out. Run for the hills and thank your lucky stars you found out before marriage and kids.

I know a woman who married someone like this and could never bring herself to leave him. Her life has been a living hell of checking up on him, gut-churning anxiety and constant heartache. Is this really the life you want?

[minimalpatience]

And most men don't do this. Also when he says "he didnt realise how bad it was untill now". I call BS. You're really telling us that he wouldn't have an issue with you doing it? I'd bet money he wouldn't be happy if you were online dating.

[minimalpatience]

He has done this twice now. He will do it again. He clearly likes the attention and frankly sounds like he is trying to keep his options open.

He is only upset as he has been caught and basically wants to have his cake and eat it. If he genuinely loved or respected you he wouldn't be behaving the way he has been and trying to strike up potential relationships via online dating. Do you always want to be checking up on him?

[Shampaincharly]

Call it off.
He will just get another phone.

[NapQueen]

Urgh, it would make me a bit sick in my mouth to think that dh would play happy families and have sex with me whilst getting up to this sort of shitty behaviour.

How can you have any respect for him?

[SandyY2K]

that suggests the only thing he is bored of is you.

Good point.

[Bigpizzalover]

Most people get bored and read a book, watch some tv or have a nap. They do not join dating sites, that suggests the only thing he is bored of is you.

Can you lead a life thinking every time you are away is he doing it again? You’re having an early night as possible baby has been up, is he doing it again? As that’s what life you will be leading. What’s the difference of him doing it 1 time or 100 times as you are letting him get away with it.