What is this and wwyd?

[deadbeatdil]

NC as DP knows I use MN regularly.

Long story short, I was using DPs phone a few nights ago and found he was using an international penpal website. I questioned him about it and he said he was using it to talk to people about his hobby. He didn't sound too convincing, so that evening I had a look through his email account and managed to find his login for this penpal site.

On there he had hundreds of messages to other women (just women) some of which were just general chit chat. However he has one woman on there who he emails via the site and his personal email. He has said things to her like he's unhappy in our relationship, he's only living with me until he can afford to more out as 'it's better for our two children' as well as lots of intimate conversations.

He also makes reference to an app called Kik which it looks like he uses to message some of these women, however I can't work out his password. He has been asking these women to send photos of themselves and has commented on their photos/ bodies in these emails.

I'm absolutely devastated. We've been together the best part of 10years, have 2 children (6 and almost 1) and, as far as I believed, he was very happy in our relationship. He has told these women so many lies about me and our life to make it look like he's really miserable so that they comfort him in their messages and so that he can be flirty towards them.

I don't even know what I'm asking really, I just need to get this off my chest as I don't have any close friends in RL to talk to and I really don't want to say anything to my family, although my gut instinct is to expose his lies and conversations. I am just in complete shock. Is this an EA? I really have no idea what to say or do.

So sorry, op. Take screenshots or forward the emails to yourself cos he is going to deny,deny,deny.
What do you want to happen with him? If you are desperate to stay together then maybe joint counselling if he expresses genuine remorse, but he sounds like a long time liar and potential cheat which we read about all the time here. Forgive the first time and they will cheat again.
Tbh there would be no fucking way I could forgive, trust or respect him after this and he would be kicked out, pronto. Respect yourself, op.

I agree, keep some evidence as he will almost certainly deny all. Not sure that I could overcome such betrayal.

Yes, keep screenshots as evidence, then call his bluff and say since you are so unhappy, you'd better leave now. He has betrayed your trust and been hugely disrespectful. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Am so sorry OP. He has behaved awfully.
Seek advice. He is definitely ‘cheating’ if not physically. Gather evidence and start thinking about what you want to have happen and plan accordingly. Good luck OP

Thanks all, yes I've got a few screen shots of the 'worst' bits. I just can't believe the lies! All for the sympathy vote so he can widdle his way into getting photos out of these women. I think one of the worst things I've read is where he sounded a little bit guilty about these conversations and this 'main' woman said to him it "doesn't matter where you get your appetite from, as long as you eat at home"

I just don't understand how either of them feel comfortable doing this. I could never speak to a man in a relationship the way she is speaking to my DP. How she and my DP don't see this from a shoe-on-the-other-foot angle is beyond me!!

So sorry you're going through this OP. He won't change unfortunately. You need to get rid. I've been in that position and wish I had ended it the first time I saw something on his phone. He will just think of better ways to hide it.

What a piece of shit!

I'd be tempted to tell these women what a lying faithless cunt he is too! And I'd be shaming fuck out of main woman (is she married?)

I could never trust him again so sorry this has happened to you.

KIK (in my experience) is an app men use to creep talk to women without having to give them their phone number, just an ID.

I'm not sure whether it's an ea, but it would be enough to end my marriage.

These women might be 'international pen pals' rather than women he actually sees but how do you know that he isn't telling the same lies to women slightly closer to home?

When I was using OLD there seemed to be a fair few men who would immediately want to leave the site and have you contact them on kik. I didn’t have kik and I don’t know anyone who has so I never did download it. It only ever seemed to be guys online who had it which made me wary. Seems to be the messenger app of the shady

Thank you for the replies. I know the sensible option is to walk away so it doesn't happen again. We have had a similar situations in the past e.g where he was texting another woman inappropriately back at the beginning of our relationship (I was very young and naive back then and we broke up for a while but found our way back together) and also about 4 years ago I found he'd racked up a very high phone bill calling some of those chat lines from the adult tv channels while he was away on a business trip.

He's always said he doesn't know why he does it, that he knows it's wrong but 'can't stop'. I always thought it was a problem with me, that maybe I wasn't good enough. But we have a really good relationship, we're each other's best friends etc. I just can't believe the lies.

You're probably right in that I'll probably catch him at it again in a few years (it's always stopped for a couple of years and then something happens again) but I just don't know how to walk away, not when there are little ones involved and, other than this, we are such a loving and happy family

I managed to access his Kik last night, but I think he knows I'm on to him as there were only a few conversations on there. Nothing from the women he'd been emailing and nothing that lined up with the emails talking about their photos (if that makes sense)

It's driving me crazy.

He couldnt give a shit about your feelings or your family. He is prepared to risk your relationship for a few random emails? If he hasn’t cheated it only a matter of time.

This is a horrible situation to be in. People use Kik in my opinion are usually married and want to hide things. He could easily delete conversations

OP I could not sit around waiting for the deathknel I would have to walk.

As it is it is driving you crazy, you know what he is doing he obviously has form for doing this and he has no intention of ever stopping.

I am so sorry you are going through this but if he can not be honest with you then what is the use.

So sorry, this sounds dreadful. I agree that this is cheating, 100%. And I'd also be certain that you've only uncovered the tip of the iceberg.

Kicking him out would be the only option for me, I don't think you could ever trust him again.

deadbeatdil (I would choose a more affirming name as well than this going forward)

He has and continues to crap all over your supposed happy family unit; your relationship was well and truly over the first time he cheated on you. This is all really built on sand. Venting is all very well and good but solves nothing. You know that he will do this again and you cannot either protect your kids fully from your innate unhappiness in this relationship with their dad.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Why are you valueing your own self so poorly here?.

Where is your line in the sand here; what are your relationship deal breakers exactly if not this from him?. Staying with him at all now just shows him that you're still a mug who would put up with anything just to be with him. Is he that worth it?.

You have more than enough proof and you do not need any more.

He likely knows that you are on to him now. He will continue to drive you mad if you continue to look for more such transgressions. Your energies would be better employed planning your own exit from this crap relationship.

It is for the sake of your children that you should walk away from your cheating partner now. He has form already for cheating on you and you have tolerated this from him for your own reasons to date, its not necessarily about the kids but more for your own reasons (perhaps a fear of the unknown, being a single mum, lack of money etc. None of those are reasons to stay either).

Staying for the children anyway is a bad idea as it teaches them that their parents relationship was based on a lie and its a heavy burden to place upon them. Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships; that you will tolerate his cheating on you repeatedly because you can yourself see no other way out. Would you want them to choose repeatedly cheating partners themselves; you're showing them that currently at least this whole relationship is acceptable to you still. You additionally do not need to grow flowers in the hole he has dug for you.

You have a choice re this man; your children do not.

Get him out, he's actively and constantly pursing other women, the fact he hasn't met any (if even true) is irrelevant.

What matters is he talks of you with sheer contempt, get him gone, he's a nasty dirty little cheat who is slagging you off to anyone and everyone, that is not love, not even close.

He's always said he doesn't know why he does it, that he knows it's wrong but 'can't stop

So you are going to spend the rest of your life being humiliated by this sad bastard, i hope not.

other than this, we are such a loving and happy family

That's not what he tells these women, is it?

FFS, OP. He can be a dad from elsewhere. He 'can't stop' his messaging and perving strangers. Ok, he can carry on - but without you and his cosy family life. You know, the one he doesn't have, online? Let him fantasise alone.

Don’t stay because of the children. I tried that and it was miserable for all of us.
The loving happy family that you see yourself in obviously isn’t what he sees. Sorry to be blunt.

I know it's stupid to stay and constantly worry when it'll happen next. I just wouldn't even know the first step to take when it comes to walking. I have nothing, I'm a SAHM, I don't have much in the way of savings, definitely not enough to afford to rent somewhere by myself.

Just so caught up with feeling angry and sick and trying to keep things normal.

This 'woman' appears to be a 19 year old living at home with her parents with a part time waitressing job, with no idea or care about how much this situation is tearing me and this family apart.

I'm not saying she's the only one to blame, but I can't see past how some either of them see that it's ok to have these conversations. I'm so angry 😡

Seek legal advice and help from a Solicitor or the CAB. Also look at entitledto.co.uk's website as this can calculate benefits.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Are you renting this property, is the tenancy is joint names?. You are not as powerless as you think you are here.

This man is a master manipulator; he is manipulating these women as easily and skilfully as you have yourself been manipulated by him into forgiving him as you have done previously. No point at all in tearing her a new one; she really owes you nothing and she is being played by your partner too. The person you need to rip a new one to is your current partner who is the root cause of this whole situation in the first place.

Do not stay for your kids either; they are not going to say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to them. They will wonder of you why you were so weak willed given his cheating behaviours and kept putting him before them.