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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Domestic abuse-need a hand hold and experienced advice please

35 replies

DrivingMissNuts · 22/04/2018 21:15

Hi, not sure if the right place to post but didn't know where else. I've started this as a fresh thread from s previous post.

I posted yesterday or the day before about my now ex-BF accusing me of being controlling. Everyone was really lovely, thank youThanks, and pointed out that he's being abusive. I really didn't think he was that bad. He seemed so lovely except for the things he did which didn't sit right in my gut.

Someone recommended the Freedom Program so I've been looking at the information available online.

I feel very, very sick after reading through. I didn't realise how abusive he actually was over so many things. He was a bully, sexually controlling, bordering on financial abuse and a dominator. And that's what's apparent after only 10 minutes reading. There's probably more.

What's upset me even more is the realisation that a good deal of my relationships have been emotionally abusive.

I wasn't surprised to find my husband described in there but am not sure if it's possible to be so many different types of abuser all rolled into one. Sexual, headworker, bully, jailer. I've only read a small excerpt online. Does anyone have any experience of this?

I am going to sign up for the online course so may find more answers there but for now I feel like an idiot for falling for the same kind of man over and over.

My now ex-BF was so subtle in what he was doing that I missed it. My husband was far more blatant so I'd easily recognise that kind of thing as abusive now. I had a near miss with a guy on OLD who dumped me when he realised I couldn't be controlled. He was a love bomber but turned out to be s narcissist.

I feel like I have such poor judgement when it comes to men. They haven't even been all the same personality type. Some have been quiet, treated me well, quite meek in ways. Others have been more strong personalities, "manly" and dominant.

Anyone any advice as to how to go forward apart from the program and staying single??

My trust has completely gone but not sure I want to be single forever. I'm 41, three children, well qualified in my field and I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 22/04/2018 22:01

Anyone?

OP posts:
Harry2006 · 22/04/2018 22:20

I have just brought the book 'living with the dominator' and my husband is some of all of the types of dominator described.
I have no advice on going forward concerning men as i have this problem with men like i think well don't all men have a bit of a dominator in them. My friend assures me that is not the case. I am even thinking of changing my solicitor as he is a man but i will give him the benefit of the doubt.
You are certainly NOT an idiot. People like this are very good at manipulating and at a guess i would say you are a nice/generous/only see the good in people person. I read somewhere narcicists aim for successful people.
The only thing i would say is trust your instincts. I knew something was not right all along but ignored my gut instinct.
Best of luck. Hope someone comes on here with a bit better advice.

Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 22/04/2018 22:25

Thanks Harry. You're right, I am like that. I also excused behaviour due to thinking all men had a bit of dominator in them or whatever. Even my best friend said to me "He's not that bad is he. Give him another chance." I think unless they are physically abusing or raping you then some people don't see it as abusive. So then you think you are making something out of nothing.

OP posts:
Foslady · 22/04/2018 22:32

I could have written your post. Each of my relationships have been abusive to the point I felt like you - no trust in myself and relationships.

It did take healing time, but I found when I was finally ready I was more guarded than ever. Upshot is I now have a relationship with a great bloke who totally understands my past and accepts that I may act odd to certain situations. I didn’t believe it could ever happen, but it did. Flowers

Motoko · 22/04/2018 23:01

I didn't mention it on your last thread, but I've also suffered abusive relationships. The reason I stayed with my ex husband for 6 years, was because he didn't put me in hospital when he was violent (he used to slap me or push me a lot, but he did punch me a couple of times) so I thought I couldn't really complain, and he was bringing in the money, while I was a SAHM. He was also verbally and financially abusive, and after I left him, he sexually abused me too "Just to show you that if I wanted you, I could fucking have you." he said afterwards.

My next relationship was an 8 year LTR, and he was controlling.

It happens to many of us unfortunately, but there is hope. I'm now married to my 2nd husband, been together for 19 years, and we care for each other deeply. We've been through tough times, but are still strong.
I'm sure that one day you will find the same.

Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 23/04/2018 07:19

Why are so many men abusive? It's horrendously common.

OP posts:
Motoko · 23/04/2018 10:50

Don't know. I guess it makes a certain type feel powerful? I expect there are lots of reasons, including upbringing, ie, if that was what they saw from their fathers, growing up, it seems to them that that's how relationships are supposed to be.
That's why it's really important if you have children, to leave and break the cycle.

Anyway, how are you doing today Driving? Has he got stuff at your place he needs to collect?

Oh, it might be an idea to report your first post and ask MNHQ to move this to the Relationships board. It's more appropriate there.

Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 23/04/2018 11:02

I'm ok thanks. I've asked them to move it for me so hopefully they will.
I've charity shopped his stuff Grin
I messaged him later to tell him exactly what I thought and to never contact me again. He is now blocked on everything. He lives far enough away that he won't come calling.

OP posts:
Motoko · 23/04/2018 11:35

That's good to hear, you don't need him coming round making a nuisance of himself.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 23/04/2018 12:07

Hi, thanks for all the advice and support given so far. We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic now at the OP's request. Flowers

Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 23/04/2018 12:20

Thank you Dawn

OP posts:
Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 23/04/2018 17:00

Motoko he's so conflict avoidant I don't think he'll ever contact me in any way again. He was never violent but had me worried about his reactions occasionally. He was agitated and whiney demanding to know what he'd done wrong if I was pissed off and saying that he couldn't deal with my moods.

OP posts:
Smeddum · 23/04/2018 17:02

Well done starting the Freedom programme OP!

Smeddum · 23/04/2018 17:02

Sorry that wasn’t meant to be patronising, at all. I meant it genuinely, I wish it had been about (or if it was that I knew about it) when I got free from XH.

Motoko · 23/04/2018 17:49

He'll probably go out on the pull this week to get a replacement girlfriend! Let's hope any future girlfriends recognise him for what he is early.

Sally2791 · 23/04/2018 18:00

The sad thing is that there is an endless source of vulnerable women out there to take them on.. And they are so "nice"early on. God I thought I was intelligent enough to recognise them, but apparently not. There is no incentive for them to change because the next victim is ready and waiting for their crap

Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 23/04/2018 18:25

Surprisingly he's only had about 5 girlfriends including his wife. He seemed clueless as to why they all finished the relationship with him. He's in his 40s so I did find that odd. Major denial. I feel sorry for his next gf if he ever gets one. The one on OLD before I agreed to go out with him suddenly decided she couldn't meet up with him. He claims she was married and her husband found out. I think she saw a red flag or ten and bailed. I've reported him to the online dating site and they have "taken appropriate action on his account" I assume that means they've banned him.
Motoko don't worry, I didn't think you were being patronising and very much appreciate your support.

OP posts:
Thinkpositive23 · 23/04/2018 19:17

Didn't want to read and run.

I'm in a abusive relationship currently. I'm secretly scraping money together and building my self up via programme and keeping my self together in order to leave at some point. 33 weeks pregnant with Dd have a ds aged 7. Very clever dp who only ever kicks off when ds isn't home which is good and the only reason why I havent left with nothing. I'm getting good at living a happy life lie everything seems find on surface but underneath it's a sham. Suffering severe spd currently another reason why I havent left and I have literally no family or friends around, I'm just not allowed to have them. Actually just in the good old bath tub at the moment and he's come in and slapped me 3 times because I haven't told him he looks fit today.

Mega proud of you for realising what a bastard some men in your life were to you and getting out keeping strong. Go you chick you sound fab....ps. ever thought about being a lesbian??Smile

heyjude12 · 24/04/2018 00:19

Think positive do you have any family or friends anywhere? Please get out ASAP . He sounds like an evil man and I worry it will get worse once Dd is born x

Shoxfordian · 24/04/2018 06:08

Thinkpositive; have you called women's aid for advice? There may be a place at a refuge they can help you with.

Op, I'm glad you're doing the Freedom Programme. Don't feel stupid because you're going to give yourself the tools to recognise the signs in future and you'll be more likely to avoid similar abusive idiots.

Thinkpositive23 · 24/04/2018 07:08

I did call women's aid however can't leave yet because id loose everything again I'm 3/4 of the way to getting what I need to leave so dc's don't end up with nothing. I have no friends or family at all going it alone.
If I carry on I'll have all the things I need some money and 90% of my stuff ready to go by 37 weeks so 4 more weeks and I'll be vanishing xxx

Original poster
DrivingMissNuts · 24/04/2018 07:24

Good luck Think. but I'd be thinking of leaving ASAP and contacting women's aid again.

Thanks to those who have posted. I still feel quite sick when I think about things. We had such a good summer last year. Well, until he lost his shit on holiday and I wondered why the hell a grown man would be on his knees crying and wailing about a scratch on his car that polished out and was his fault and threw something that got broken by accident. That was the start of me being unhappy, at the end of the summer. Things were never quite as good after that as my opinion of him changed. I put it down to depression though and carried on trying to support him. I'm so stupid Sad

OP posts:
Thinkpositive23 · 24/04/2018 08:30

Your not stupid at all!! Your obvs very caring put yourself 2nd to try and support him xxxx

WellDoneTiger · 24/04/2018 08:30

The Freedom Programme is brilliant. It helps to identify behaviours and recognise early on what to avoid. You can also get support on the WA website on their forums.

WA are brilliant. They absolutely will not force you to leave when you are not ready. I have really struggled to articulate the extent of my husband's behaviour. So much of it I had normalised.

Motoko · 24/04/2018 09:16

It was Smeddum who was worried about sounding patronising.

Think be very careful. Leaving is the most dangerous time. I'm glad to hear you've got a plan though. Do come back and let us know when you've escaped. Good luck. Flowers

Driving stop putting yourself down, saying you're stupid. You're not, and you saw the warning signs and did something about it, early enough that you weren't more enmeshed with him. You were only with him for 8 months, for many women, it's years before they realise. You also spotted it with the OLD guy, so you're obviously getting better at reading the signs, and doing the Freedom Programme will increase your awareness.
You should be congratulating yourself!