Domestic abuse-need a hand hold and experienced advice please

[DrivingMissNuts]

Hi, not sure if the right place to post but didn't know where else. I've started this as a fresh thread from s previous post.

I posted yesterday or the day before about my now ex-BF accusing me of being controlling. Everyone was really lovely, thank you, and pointed out that he's being abusive. I really didn't think he was that bad. He seemed so lovely except for the things he did which didn't sit right in my gut.

Someone recommended the Freedom Program so I've been looking at the information available online.

I feel very, very sick after reading through. I didn't realise how abusive he actually was over so many things. He was a bully, sexually controlling, bordering on financial abuse and a dominator. And that's what's apparent after only 10 minutes reading. There's probably more.

What's upset me even more is the realisation that a good deal of my relationships have been emotionally abusive.

I wasn't surprised to find my husband described in there but am not sure if it's possible to be so many different types of abuser all rolled into one. Sexual, headworker, bully, jailer. I've only read a small excerpt online. Does anyone have any experience of this?

I am going to sign up for the online course so may find more answers there but for now I feel like an idiot for falling for the same kind of man over and over.

My now ex-BF was so subtle in what he was doing that I missed it. My husband was far more blatant so I'd easily recognise that kind of thing as abusive now. I had a near miss with a guy on OLD who dumped me when he realised I couldn't be controlled. He was a love bomber but turned out to be s narcissist.

I feel like I have such poor judgement when it comes to men. They haven't even been all the same personality type. Some have been quiet, treated me well, quite meek in ways. Others have been more strong personalities, "manly" and dominant.

Anyone any advice as to how to go forward apart from the program and staying single??

My trust has completely gone but not sure I want to be single forever. I'm 41, three children, well qualified in my field and I feel like an idiot.

I was asking to a friend at school today after dropping off the children and she couldn't believe how many things he'd done that I'd normalised as ok behaviour. So many women are in bad relationships it seems so lots of abusive behaviours get normalised and it seems as though if they aren't beating you senseless then it's not abuse and they don't see what the fuss is about.

So many women are in bad relationships it seems so lots of abusive behaviours get normalised and it seems as though if they aren't beating you senseless then it's not abuse and they don't see what the fuss is about

That’s your lightbulb moment!

@thinkpositive23
Hi think. Like other posters have said, leaving is the most dangerous time.
Have you ever logged his physical violence with Womens Aid or the Police?
That would give you a case to go with supervised contact when your daughter is born.
If you get a new tenancy or own home, please contact your local DVU to put markers/target hardening on your new address etc on it, if he is physically violent.
Tbh it's worth getting support off a DV agency now as it'll help you later on down the line, if he's still being a prick, which no doubt he will. Even if it is just help to get your ducks in a row and escape. And also to evidence there's been a problem.

Then there are are grants etc to support women who are escaping DV if you are involved with an agency to help you do so, these can help you buy white goods and furnish your home. Please message me if you need details.

Smeddum I'm intrigued as to why so many men are abusive though as well as why women see these behaviours as normal. Has it always been that way and it's just more readily known now with the internet or is it a more recent thing?

@DrivingMissNuts I personally think it lies in the male privilege. Some men realise they have this privilege and understand the advantages it gives them. Some use it to their own advantage, coupled with a vile lack of respect for women. It’s as if the abusive ones see us as less than them, we’re not worth as much as them if that makes sense?

I think the internet has made the information available to women and enabled us to discover the textbook bullshit abusers all do. And it is universal to all of them, the manipulation, gaslighting, the coercive control. Because without that it would never graduate to physical violence, because they need to be sure we’re under their control before they ramp it up.

I got out 10 years ago, after 5 years of abuse. I’ve been with DP for 7 years, and I explained everything to him at the start and he took his time to listen and understand why I maybe struggled with some aspects of a relationship, because I was so confused by my marriage that I didn’t know how to react to feelings and being vulnerable was terrifying. He showed me that love isn’t control and manipulation, it’s support and respect and equality.

I hope you’re doing ok OP.

Just had a thought. Have a look on heartlessbitches.com. i cant remember how i found out about this site but it makes interesting reading.

My dh was abusive for years. I was too ill to do anything back then (and had no MN - I utterly believe that if I'd had MN around then I would have left, chronic illness, tiny baby, and all the rest). The reasons I'm still with him are many and complex, and I don't truly understand them (I'm seeing a counsellor and we are trying to unpick it all) or even know what they are. Nevertheless, I am still with him, but am beginning to think Imay not be for much longer.

The trouble is, that the more I disengage the kinder and more helpful he becomes. It's such a slow process, but he is so different to the man he was when he was abusive, and so much more like the man I fell in love with. It makes it so difficult to decide on a course of action.

What I think about abusive men is that, for some at least, they are profoundly fearful. This leads them to need control and the more fearful the contol is needed over more and more aspects of life, and of course that includes spouse and children.

Another thing I think is that they need to prove to themselves all the time that they are better than they think they are, but they have blocked that off and so behave in ways that make them seem better than you or friend or boss, whoever and whatever they can 'beat' or be more right than, and so on. This means they need to 'win', at anything and everything. They will lie if it means they don't have to do or say what you want, so that you don't get what you want. They will do this in really stupid things - you say "ooh I just need a wee" and he'll suddenly need a wee too and will get there quicker so that you have to wait until he's finished. You might ask "is it raining? I'll get my coat" and he'll lie, saying yes it is. When you get to the door and it's actually bright sun you'll ask him and he could be idiotic enough to say "oh I thought it was", and expect you to just accept it. He might even go further and tell you that you need to clean the windows.

Do you see what I mean about winning?

Argh my best mates is still saying he wasn't that bad and it probably wasn't his fault. This attitude really worries me. Abusive behaviour is so often seen as normal. How have we become socialised to think it's ok to be treated like this?

The thing is, DrivingMissNuts, is that your best friends don't have to live with him. They actually have absolutely no idea what you experience day to day. Also, unless you have experience of domestic abuse, it is very hard to understand.

My STBX can appear to all intents and purposes, fairly normal. He doesn't openly boast about his rank hatred of people, especially women. He has enough control most of the time not to.

The reason people don't understand is that they haven't experienced it.
I tried to explain to family and some felt it must be communication issues...however I was the same at the outset.I didn't understand control..why would someone try to control? It doesn't seem rational and it isn't!

Also convert abusivers are very difficult to spot as they appear credible and charming.
Ex hid his true nature for years, until he had a position of power at work and I was vulnerable as gave up a well paid career for part time work to fit around the family.

I don't think we are born with an innate ability to recognise abusers and I ignored my gut instincts because I couldn't name the issues.I let my head overrule my gut instincts which is the lesson I had to learn.