Father of my unborn baby is racist against me

[StarofBethlehem2018]

Please bear with me if this all comes out a bit garbled, I’m kind of in a state.

In a nutshell: I am pregnant by my ex. I was completely in love with this guy but actually it was a seriously abusive relationship. On top of everything else, he is viciously racist and I was naive enough not to see it.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned (contraception failure). Before we ever had sex we’d actually talked about what we’d do if I got pregnant. I’d said I don’t believe in abortion. He’d said he doesn’t either. He's making threats to harm me

He’s British Pakistani and Muslim. I’m mixed-race African/British. He’s said all manner of disparaging things about black people throughout the relationship. It reached a point eventually where he said he’s “just not willing to commit to a black woman” but that it’d be different if I was white or anything other than black. He’a also said such awful, awful things. He won’t even refer to my child as his baby. He sent me this email demanding I get an abortion and saying he will take me to court for refusing to get an abortion. He wrote: “If you really want a baby go and find someone who cares about you.”

He sent other messages where he’s said he will be the baby’s “friend” and will pay support “when he can.” When I told him he’s the baby’s dad not its friend and that he has to pay child support every month, not just when he can, he went absolutely mental. He won’t even refer to my child as his baby or even as a baby now at all, he just said the baby’s a “mistake.”

A friend sent me a supportive message once she realised I was keeping the baby, telling me a baby’s a blessing and congratulating me. The ex went berserk and said I had no right to be congratulated and that he doesn’t understand why I am not “ashamed” of being pregnant.

He’s made direct threats now to harm me. Insisting still that he’s not willing to “let” me have his baby and that “I didn’t want a baby with you!” (because I’m black). One of his last messages said: “We’ll go to the hospital and support you through the abortion process. A child cannot be allowed to be born without the consent of both parents.”

He just won’t leave me alone. I’ve been so ill with stress this entire pregnancy. How will I ever explain to my little child when he’s born that his father is a racist abusive freak?

Own Your Power

I understand that your efforts have been focused on getting this man and his family to acknowledge your pregnancy.

However, I really think you need to change tack, as he’s shown how awful he can be and take the threats as a serious view into the future.

I’d be looking at getting away from him and cutting contact at all costs. If that means lying and saying you’ve lost the baby or given in and had an abortion, so much the better, you need to protect yourself and your baby now.

I’m not talking about actually aborting of course, but protecting yourself by cutting any ties with this man. Imagine his behaviour, and the miserableness and fear of the last few months... for the rest of your life. With the added ability to hurt and control you via your love for your baby. It will be hell.

If you can’t do that, you need to start collecting evidence and go to the police to start getting protection in place.

If you think the threats are real then do go to the police. They can’t protect you if they don’t know what’s going on. The threats may just be someone who knows the baby will be a big deal in his life, something unplanned to which he has no control and is trying to exert as much pressure on you to cede to his demand.

Otherwise, forget the police. Only you will know if the threats are real. Trust your instincts.

You will probably be stuck with this person for the next 20 plus years though. He doesn’t sound like a nice person. But he might grow up in the next 20 years. Who knows.

For now try and focus on yourself and the baby. Move away if you have to. Lose his number. He’s only adding to the stress. Can you get support from friends and family? Maybe his family too?

Personally I wouldn’t tell him you’ve had an abortion. In this day and age, it’s too easy for someone who knows him to see evidence of you having a child either in person or online and reporting back to him, and this could exacerbate things.

Write everything down chronologically. Go to the police. If he changes his tune when the baby arrives he could insist on contact, it wouldn’t be the first time. You need to pre empt this. Then block him everywhere, move if you can and don’t give him any more thought.

'Honour' attacks and killings are a known problem in Pakistani Muslim communities. You will likely be viewed by his family in the same way as he views you i.e. black and female and therefore worth less than dogshit. That you are going to permanently 'shame' them by bringing a child into this, means you could be in real danger. I would report everything's to the police immediately. Don't fuck around OP, go to them today, NOW.

@MickHucknallspinkpancakes
I wasn't aware I'm involved with his ex

He stalks me, including online, so I can't post in any detail about speaking to police as there's a tiny possibility he's reading this

Thank you @TokenBritPoshOfCourse

I would be very very concerned now his family know. Please keep a record of his threats and go to the police. If he gets recognised with parental responsibility you may find yourself in a situation where you can’t get your baby back and even worse they might apply for a passport and take him or her abroad.

If you live close to him and his family I would give serious consideration to moving away and getting off of social media.

Gather all of your evidence and go to the police and let them know your fears ! Do the best for you and your baby, forget child support just get away from him and have no contact what so ever- delete all personal info and pictures you don't want him to see from social media accounts and block him and his family/ friends. You need to get away from him and take care of you and your baby. Do you have friends and family who can help protect you?

What a racist bastard he is, he wasn't bothered about your race when he was shagging you was he ! What a disgusting twat!

I'm referring to this:

I ended up speaking to his previous partner. Because she is white he didn't treat her with the same contempt with which he treats me.

I know you were seeking validation of some kind, but it really doesn't matter, unless she was also looking to report a his behaviour to the police.

What matters is you, and the baby, not how he treats other women. Make yourself safe and detach completely from this man, his past, his present and his future.

@MickHucknallspinkpancakes speaking to his ex greatly strengthened my case against him actually. It's no longer just one woman (me) claiming he's abusive, there's a track record. I'm v grateful to her as it adds credibility to my complaint against him and also in fending off any future application he might make for visitation rights. I guess that wasn't clear to you but never mind

You haven't mentioned whether it is possible for you to move or not. Because the best way to fend off his involvement in your child's life is to tell him you have aborted and move away.

OP I had a terribly stressful pregnancy with shock and grief and worry. I had the same concerns about my unborn baby. DD is totally fine and healthy teenager now. Please don’t worry.

In your situation, I would move and lose him.
Move house, move job

This is awful OP.
If he’s stalking you, I wouldn’t underestimate the risk to yourself and your baby.
I think there was a case in London recently when a man paid another in a motorcycle helmet to attack his pregnant ex-girlfriend, causing her to have a still birth.
I’d change your number, move in with family if you can, and be very careful

Have you tried to contact anyone in his family or have they tried to contact you?
I wouldn't suggest you do it in person but you never know if they knew how he was behaving then they may be able to stop him.

I've been granted a restraining order against him

Good on you. I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is a pleasanter, happier time for you

Congratulations on getting a restraining order against him, OP.

It must be very stressful and hopefully it calms things down but I would also fear it will excarcebate things. I personnally would probably do what other people have suggested and move somewhere else without giving any type of contact details to anyone known to him and make sure I cut all ties with him and everyone else who knows him.

I speak as someone who has been the unborn baby in your story.

Do not ever underestimate the threats this type of men can make, my father almost killed my mother and constantly threatened to kill me.
Social services and the justice system also tend to adopt a politic of "benefits of the doubt" and "giving second chances". My father was a known abusive man, many and I mean MANY women went to the police to denounce physical abuse and assault (including my mother) and he has never been convicted. She got a restraining order and even had his parental rights revoked yet, despite all that, he still managed to get our custody more than once (I also have a sibling that's his ) and while my mother always appealed there were still times where we were sent to his unsupervised under a judge order and it was absolute HELL and yes, I did fear for my life.
This is not a situation you want your child in. Please unsure it doesn't happen.

I know abortion was never an option for you because you don't agree with it and it's too late now anyway, but again, as someone who was in your kid's spot there were times where I was angry at my mother for carrying a pregnancy to term and bringing me into this world having had an insight into the type of monster my father could be and knowing what I could potentially go through (and did go through). Your child will probably have a lot of mix feelings about his story when he is old enough to ask questions and understand the answers, but be honest about everything with him. Provide him with emotional support if need be (like therapy for example) and let him be angry when he needs to be but in the meantime protect him from the horrible man he's been given as a "father". (And do move if you can!)

Good luck OP, I know it's tough! x

I have a friend who has an unplanned pregnancy with a man who sounds not dissimilar to this guy. She decided to cut him out completely, he isn´t on the birth certificate, he has never seen his child and he has paid no maintenance. He lived far enough away that he was never going to turn stalker, so she didn't involve the police. Yes, it has been a struggle financially, but she has always been clear that it was 100% worth it to keep him away from her daughter and their family.

Does he live nearby or could you live your life without ever seeing him again? If so, maybe you should tell him you have had the abortion and then get on with things on your own. Or tell him that you won't acknowledge him as the father and see if that calms him down. From what you write here, I'm not sure CM is worth keeping his man in your life for.

Well done

You need to contact the police.
Show them all messages that he has sent you.

He cannot take you to court for refusing an abortion. That's genuinely insane! You can however take HIM to court for harassment and threatening behaviour.

Keep the baby if you want to, get a restraining order and accept that you will be an only parent.

I hope everything works out well for you xx

I've just seen your comment about the restraining order! Congratulations! You must be so relieved.

If you're worried about the stress on the baby, I'd suggest going to a pregnancy yoga class or trying meditation. Xx

If it was me I'd be off social media, change my name and move away.
before going I'd post a letter telling him that you have had an abortion and he'll never see you again.
move miles away, to a completely different area.
Somewhere he'd never dream of looking for you.