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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I wasting my time with this man?

80 replies

Angeanon · 22/04/2018 17:58

Hi, I am hoping to get some impartial advice on this situation. I have been seeing a man for around 8 months. A bit of background; He split up from his long term partner and moved out a year ago. They have 2 sons together, the youngest is 6 years old. They were together 10 years. I am 29 & he is 37. I had known him a while, just to say hello to but then a couple of years ago we bumped into each other on a night out. We talked all night & there was a spark. Nothing happened though as I knew he was in a relationship, although he told me he hadn’t been happy for years but stayed for the kids. We didn’t speak again after that night out until he messaged me saying they had split up and asked how I was. We started messaging and then began seeing each other. I was cautious because he had only recently moved out. The split was mutual and they are still friends. However he has struggled to deal with not seeing his kids every day and they still do things as a family, days out etc. He says they are friends but there’s nothing romantic there anymore and hasn’t been for a long time. But he also admitted she wouldn’t take it very well if he knew he was seeing someone else. He has told me he is still trying to figure out his new life. I have said to him several times it would be easier if I wasn’t involved. He kind of agrees but says he can’t stay away from me. As it’s now 8 months I have been seeing him and nothing has changed, do you think he needs some alone time and I need to remove myself from the situation? Any advice would be appreciated. Ange

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Original poster

Angeanon · 23/04/2018 16:44

Thank you AnneLovesGIlbert 😊

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sameoldsame · 23/04/2018 16:49

I’m sure you’ll find someone else. The longer you stayed the harder it would have been.
At least you’re in control of your own life now, rather than waiting for someone else to decide what should happen to you

PookieDo · 23/04/2018 19:38

You have done the right thing and actually this thread has helped me know I did too. Whoever said about just waiting around... so right. What a waste of your life to wait around on the sidelines

Original poster

Angeanon · 23/04/2018 20:00

PookieDo did your guy end up back with his ex? Or did they stay split up but just remained in each other’s lives an unhealthy amount? Has he tried to reach out to you since waking away? These men will never be motivated to do anything whilst both the ex and the new gf are meeting his different needs. We have both done the right thing 😊

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sameoldsame · 23/04/2018 20:10

Sadly I think if both their needs are being met, it’s very easy to stay with the status quo.
It’s not a very grown up way to behave, sort of hedging bets always. He doesn’t need to adjust his relationship with his ex in his head at this time
But well done for moving away from this. It’s fucking tough when you really like someone
But don’t sell yourself short

expatinscotland · 23/04/2018 20:14

You did the right thing. Why on Earth would you saddle yourself with someone with so much baggage when you're only 29?

useruserbored · 23/04/2018 20:18

You've totally done the right thing.
Never ever make do
You sound like a catch, someone much better will be along soon x

Original poster

Angeanon · 23/04/2018 20:18

Thank you sameoldsame. It is very tough to finish things with someone you really like! But if we accept the crumbs they offer i guess it starts things off on the wrong footing. We deserve more. Much more!

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Gemini69 · 23/04/2018 20:18

Original poster

Angeanon · 23/04/2018 20:21

Thank you so much for all your support, I don’t know why I didn’t turn to this site earlier as it’s made me see things so much clearer in such a short space of time! Thank you everyone x

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PookieDo · 23/04/2018 20:30

I don’t know if he has yet Ange to be honest as we have not spoken since.

It was a combination of events that led to us breaking up but 99.9% of them were related to this problem. I always felt like it was my issue but it didn’t affect me that much to begin. His ex makes a lot of poor decisions and my ex BF is always there to rescue her. He tells me that he does this for the kids sake but in recent months instead of fading out like you would expect when people become independent from each other, it just seemed to intensify. She was aggressive and strange towards me from the first time I met her (only met her 3 times) and I always felt uncomfortable at what he may have said to her about me/how I felt. When he told me she was crying on his shoulder about her shitty life choices (boyfriend) I was really bothered. I never gave him a hard time but he always had a host of excuses as to why he had to be nice.

I have DC and an ex and we are very amicable now but also very separate. We speak and chit chat once a week and that’s it. I might tell him anything significant on a text (like a dentist appointment or such like) but there is no overlap. Whereas ex BF and his ex were very very entwined. Recently I realised this was having an impact on me. I couldn’t make plans as they would always change because she was disorganised and he always kind of expected me to just tolerate it, accept it and just live with it. It became so boring having no social life, no future plans etc. I realised that her poor life choices and his inability to ever say no or put me first even once was just too much to handle.

I think he would take her back but I don’t think she wants him romantically, just emotionally and financially. It’s his loss now not mine

sameoldsame · 23/04/2018 20:32

Good luck!
And stick to your guns.
I got dragged in and out of a similar situation and after a very long time he went back to his ex. It pretty much destroyed me.
Don’t end up like me!

PookieDo · 23/04/2018 20:36

Be careful though of being pulled back for sex. That’s my concern now because I think that’s mostly what he is interested in, and ex didn’t sleep with him while they were together for some time so I was the sex on the weekend person while he continued to idolise his ex partner.
Once my feelings became like hard work I think he couldn’t be bothered anymore to even try to make me happy

Original poster

Angeanon · 23/04/2018 20:43

PookieDo it sounds like the same guy 😂 I relate to everything you have said. My guy too would drop our plans to have the kids if she decided to go out last minute. Because her social life is more important? I completely understand him wanting to be with his kids but how can you ever build a new life with absolutely no routine of when he had them? And it was all decided last minute. The shine of being with a guy you really connect with soon wears off by all the chaos and frustration. You lose yourself and your own life turns into waiting around for him to be available. I think it’s great to be amicable with an ex especially if you have kids. But like you say, when they are still depending on each other for emotional support and there are no boundaries there then I’m sorry but there is no room for a third party. I’m just glad to have spoken to you as sometimes I thought maybe I was being unreasonable / not patient enough but it is so draining. And I realise now I perhaps gave him too much of my time and patience rather than too little! I hope you are happier now x

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PookieDo · 23/04/2018 20:53

I stopped visiting when kids were there for a few weeks because I felt myself just sitting there full of rage and annoyance about how crappy my life had become and I would rather be sitting watching TV in my own house than watching him doing the cleaning and it was awkward and unfair. I thought it might prompt him to take some action to make some time for us but in the meantime he just started taking on even more responsibility for her life. So when I wasn’t around they just seemed to get closer

Final straw which I didn’t say in my other thread was that she broke up with her boyfriend and that just switched a bit of a light on for me that now things will just get worse. He kept promising me that things would settle down

PookieDo · 23/04/2018 21:05

I don’t blame her in many ways - I actually think he likes still having a lot of control over her life. I’m pretty certain it didn’t help her relationship either to have him be Mr White Knight all the time. He had controlling elements to him that took a while to see

Original poster

Angeanon · 23/04/2018 21:05

I don’t understand why they bother splitting up when they still act like a couple? Sameoldsame, has he stayed away from you since going back to his ex? I can understand you feeling destroyed, I’m sorry you had to go through that. If these men are unsure about whether they have done the right thing leaving their ex, they should work through it on their own time and not hurt someone else in the process.

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Original poster

Angeanon · 23/04/2018 21:09

PookieDo, I feel the same about my guy, that he likes to still be “that guy” his ex turns to. The only thing to do is hold our hands up and say I give up. When you spend all your time with someone wishing things were different then I guess your with the wrong person. And it’s best to walk away. It’s soooo much easier said than done though.

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PookieDo · 23/04/2018 21:09

Mine didn’t leave his ex, she broke up with him and instantly got with a guy she had been having an emotional affair with.

Like I said I think some of it is control. To ensure that they get what they want re the kids, to feed their ego that they are a ‘great guy’

PookieDo · 23/04/2018 21:20

You aren’t going mad or being unreasonable over anything in my view. He’s emotionally unavailable really because there is another woman in his life. I get why you want to move on and have new carefree sex with someone you fancy but you should be honest about what you can or can’t offer someone, although that would involve being honest with themselves first!

sameoldsame · 23/04/2018 21:22

He was very back and forth in the beginning
It was just too hard to deal with.
Sorry what you went through pookie
It’s all a bit depressing, sometimes I think as women we tend to always think we aren’t being nice and need to be nicer
When really we just need to tell them to fuck the fuck off!

Original poster

Angeanon · 23/04/2018 21:23

Totally agree PookieDo. I’m not interested in hearing from him now unless things have changed in his life but even then, I think too much damage has been done.

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PookieDo · 23/04/2018 21:23

He told me all about it when we met and I do understand it’s hard, and I’ve been understanding but there is a limit

Original poster

Angeanon · 23/04/2018 21:27

Hahahahaha sameoldsame! You are totally right!

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Original poster

Angeanon · 23/04/2018 21:29

Yea I think sometimes we are too understanding and are more of an emotional crutch rather than it being a normal healthy relationship! Why oh why am I only seeing all this now??

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