Help me understand and articulate these feelings... friend died, widower's new partner.

[BikeRunSki]

... because I don't think I can.

A friend of mine died about 6 months ago. I have kept in touch with her husband, as our DC are friends, and we are friendly enough. I have recently met his new partner, who has moved in, with her child. She is very nice too.

I know that he was not going to be single for ever, i know he's an adult and he can do what he wants with his personal life. But part of me is screaming "But it's so soon....!". I still think of my friend often, and the memories are still raw and bittersweet. I'm kind of surprised he's' got a new partner already, but you know, I don't know what timeframe I'd think acceptable either! I want to stay friends with this family, please help me accept the new partner. I have nothing against her personally at all, but, but, but - but I don;t know what actually. See, I said I couldn't articulate my feelings.

OMG, six months, that is too fast for the DC. I can completely see why you would feel like this. Poor children, that is too much too bear in their grief.

You can’t really do much. You are more useful as a friendly person who knew their mum than a judgy ex-friend. I guess you have to suck it up. Very hard.

I know three couples where the wife has died and the husband has remarried within a year. It’s like men can’t cope without a woman around. Massive generalisation I know but in couples I know where the husband has died it takes the wife a lot longer to move on/sometimes they never do.
My advice would be to stay in touch for the children’s sake. Here probably feeling weirded out by it all too and I’m sure having a friend of their mum’s around will help.

I’m not going to be judgey or an ex-friend. I am keeping my feelings to myself. I consider the father/widower a good friend and DS is mine best friend.

But I think... I havn’t got over her death as a friend. I still have moment of tears and rage. How can he move on already? They were together for over 20 years!

I have heard this story enough times that sadly it seems commonplace. I think many widowed men cope very poorly with single life and seek a replacement woman of the house very quickly. I do find it a bit disconcerting and disrespectful especially where there are children mourning their mother and having to accept the new model.

I don't mean this unkindly as I'm sure the new women are often very nice. I've also heard of men who say their wife's death made them realise that life is short so they grabbed at happiness rather than miss out. But instinctively none of us would want to be replaced quite so quickly!

I feel so sad when I read things like this. This happened to my mum when her mum died. Her dad remarried within months after a very long marriage. He'd actively sought out a new partner too.

My mum will always be devastated by it but has always said that some men just can't be without a partner. Probably the case here.

I can't imagine how the children must feel. My DD has been through some frequent bereavement (nothing of the same standard) and we've sought counselling for her because she's been so deeply effected a couple of years down the line. It impacts children.

Nothing I can really say to help you get your head around it because I think you are justified in feeling the way you do. I think all you can do is keep it to yourself and be there for the children.

Life is for the living. The poor guy has lost his wife, try not to begrudge him finding happiness with someone else.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe I think that mothers (if not wives) are irreplaceable. I know he’s been struggling with the practicalities of groceries, school holidays, family life etc - maybe it’s a largely practical arrangement.

I’m going to swallow my feelings. I want to be able to tell the dc how amazing and wonderful their mum was when they grow up.

Crikey. I don’t blame you for feeling this way. It’s gutting. You’d think he’d still be in the midst of grief but if she’s moved in after only 6 months then what? He was online dating a few weeks after she’d died? It’s all a bit much and I know somebody who did exactly the same after his wife died but the other woman was her best friend which sort of makes it worse? Does it? I don’t know! Think you just have to stick in there. Remember your friend in other ways.

I was widowed the day before my 36th birthday. DH was 36, our kids were both still babies.
That was 26 years ago and I still miss him. I never remarried, because he was my soulmate. As a Christian, I hope to be reunited with him when I die. But it is a long lonely life sentence, waiting for that, and I can understand why some people can’t hack it and want another partner. Like one of the PPs, I think men often remarry sooner than women - they’re maybe less good at coping alone and multitasking the job, kids, house and grief process all at once.

I get it OP, my best friend died suddenly 4 years ago and her DH (and he was her ‘D’H, they were crazy about each other) moved on inside a year after 28 years of marriage to my best friend.

I had all those feelings, but I buried them because I didn’t want him to feel shunned. However when he had a big retirement “do” and she and her kids took centre stage, when the last 30 + years were talked about with not one mention of my best friend, not one, I walked out and haven’t spoken to him since.

Moving on is understandable, your feelings are understandable and it’s up to you how you go forward because however you’re feeling isn’t wrong.

It's very hard to know what to write without seeming judgy, but living with a new partner within 6 months doesn't give a lot of time for the gradual introduction to children etc which I personally feel should happen regardless of the way in which the previous relationship ended.
It is barely time for the couple to get to know each other, never mind bringing the children into it.

Notwithstanding that, there is no right length of time. Personally I'd love to meet someone else, and have known that was going to be the case since before late-DH died. I miss him immensely but that doesn't stop me from wanting to love and be loved again.

I've no idea how you put your own feelings aside, I guess you just have to try your best x

Everyone needs to deal with grief in their own way. It's unfair to judge others if their way is different from yours.

Life is fleeting and precious. Cut him some slack and remember the good times your friend had with him. They aren't lessened because of his new relationship.

Enjoy sharing memories with their DC - they will gain so much from the conversations - and you will too.

I have been on a similar situation as you the onky difference is that the DH was my friend before he met his wife and we became friends over their 20yr relationship.

She sadly died after a long illness, he met someone pretty quick afterwards. When I was talking to him about it he said that me & all of her friends started grieving only when she died, but as he and their DC had known for a long time that death was inevitable, they were much further down that path than we were.

New partner was a nightmare btw and it didn't last long and he has now met someone else who is lovely and really good for him

This happened when my friend died too. It's far too much for the children to cope with but the men are clearly not thinking about that.

It's far too much for the children to cope with but the men are clearly not thinking about that

Slightly different, as my brother and I are adults, but after Mum died last year my dad went into a bubble of grief (totally understandable and I’m not criticising him at all, it WAS worse for him). He didn’t ask how we were, he was a shell of himself. Then someone asked him how we were and how it must be horrific for us and he came to my house that night and broke down, apologising for not asking how we were and (his words) “letting us down.” I assured him he hadn’t, but it was honestly the first time it had occurred to him, because his own grief was all consuming. He was devastated when he thought he’d failed us.

What I think I’m trying to say is that maybe OPs friend’s DH is, in an odd kind of way, trying to make sure his children have someone around to be there for them and take care of them that isn’t grieving. I do agree it’s too early for the children, but I can see his logic even if I don’t agree with it.

I’m sorry about your friend

That happened when my friend died too. I was a little shocked but had to look at the big picture- he'd loved my friend while she was alive and nursed her so well through her illness. He told another friend that he'd been grieving for her ever since her terminal diagnosis. Ten years on and he is still with the new lady, so it wasn't a flash in the pan.

JellyBean31 makes a very good point about anticipatory grief, I definitely started grieving way before he actually died.

Statistically speaking, the more successful your marriage was the quicker you're likely to pair up again after a bereavement. So your friend's only showing that he had a really good marriage with his wife, and is now ready to move on.

Agree. People with the best marriages move on quickest, statistically. So it's a reflection of how much he loved your friend. He deserves happiness. I hope he is being sensitive with his children. How are they?

How old are the DC?

Because if this was a divorce/separation scenario, and new step-sibling was moved in after only 6 months, I think this thread would bee quite different. Moving on to a new relationship is on thing. Blending a family when DC are so newly bereaved would give me qualms too.

I like the idea that a rapid new relationship is a reflection of a strong marriage. That makes me happy, and I really don’t begrudge him his new relationship, but I was just really, very surprised. It has t even crossed my mind that it might happen now.

The DC are outwardly much better. The younger boy (KS2 age) became very withdrawn, but has been much happier for a few weeks. The older (KS3 age) DD is well... an adolescent girl! She seems delightful though, and reminds me a great deal of her mum, but then her dad has trouble with her moods, but possibly this is as much adolescence as grief. Perhaps the grief is yet to come?

And yes, anticipatory grief. That is something I am familiar with, as DDad was I’ll for more than 10 years before he died. My friend was ill for a little over a month though.

Thanks actually, for all your replies, sympathy and reality checks. It’s ben very cathartic for me.

It's interesting about successful marriages meaning moving on quicker.

My mum ended up on a date with a man who had said he was a widower but hadn't revealed that his wife had died 6 WEEKS prior to him being on a dating site.

Apparently his friend sent him a link to a dating site and said it was time for him to move on (yeah okay because friends do that before you've even scattered your spouse's ashes) and as he typed the url into his browser, he smelled his wife's perfume and knew that she was giving him her blessing to move on.

(My reaction to this was BULLSHIT her ghost was shouting "WTF bitch! 25 years of marriage and you're over me already?!")

After one coffee date with my mum, he sent her an email saying he was in love with her and he knew he wanted to remarry as soon as possible

I do think men, particularly older men, have been taught that they can't express their grief, so instead they seek out what is effectively a teddy bear - someone they can cuddle and try to bury their grief and use the emotional high of a new relationship to mask their feelings.

If men weren't taught that expressing feelings is "un-manly" then I think this would happen a lot less.

A slightly different bend but many marriages are tolerated at best and bloody miserable at worst.

Some just hang on in there after diagnosis so really have long moved on by the time they are widowed.

My dear friend is widowed. She hated him, he was a bastard and she is delighted to be free but one must never speak ill of the dead so she is judged.

Does he still talk fondly of his late wife? I think this would make things easier for you. Its really hard, I feel the pain in your words and you're very much still grieving.
I do think its too quick, but as hard as it is.. Just think of it like this. She will have wanted him and her babies to be happy. Help support that and you will be making her proud.

Much love to you and sorry for your loss ❤