Help me understand and articulate these feelings... friend died, widower's new partner.

[BikeRunSki]

... because I don't think I can.

A friend of mine died about 6 months ago. I have kept in touch with her husband, as our DC are friends, and we are friendly enough. I have recently met his new partner, who has moved in, with her child. She is very nice too.

I know that he was not going to be single for ever, i know he's an adult and he can do what he wants with his personal life. But part of me is screaming "But it's so soon....!". I still think of my friend often, and the memories are still raw and bittersweet. I'm kind of surprised he's' got a new partner already, but you know, I don't know what timeframe I'd think acceptable either! I want to stay friends with this family, please help me accept the new partner. I have nothing against her personally at all, but, but, but - but I don;t know what actually. See, I said I couldn't articulate my feelings.

I think your feelings are completely legitimate. I have found in the 2.5 months since Dh died though that I have felt immensely emotionally and sexually unstable. I've already had one terrifying crush which was overwhelming. I will admit that I have looked on a dating site too. I just haven't known how to deal with any of the feelings. If your widower friend has tended to use sex to express and receive love, affection and intimacy, the total withdrawal of those things may have seemed solvable by finding another sexual partner. For the kids' sake I hope it works out.

I agree with a PP that your feelings are legitimate and this is a great space to express them. However make sure it is only here they are expressed and not in your RL.

I have a couple of friends who have tragically lost their wives in the last few years, both very different situations, with and without kids. Never ever presume to know how they feel or how you would react/feel in the same situation. You can only support their decisions as they deal with their grief in their own way.

And believe me there will enough people ready to openly judge them as to how long is the "right length of time" before they "move on". You never fully move on and forget as losing a partner is such a life changing experience it becomes a part of who you are.

annadale that's a very interesting perspective, thank you for your honesty.

ginandtonics they didn't tolerate or hate each other. They both, independently and before she was ill - referrd to each other to me as the love of their life. They fit very well.

Disney he didn't mention her at all at first. Then I made a passing remark about how their DD's smile was just like her mum's, which almost seemed like for permission to talk about her. He does talk about her, mention her wistfully in a "XXX would have know what to do" kind of way. All references to her are kindly and meant with love.

alibaba of course I would never express these feelings IRL. That is what is so good about anonymous forums.

@BikeRunSki I remember talking to a friend and she commented that my friend’s daughter looked so like her mum, she wondered if it broke his (the DH) heart to look at her.

I think there might be some of that Smeddum. It does me.

@BikeRunSki I’m sorry it’s so hard for you just now too. You’re grieving as well, and you need time to come to terms with everything. Grief is a horrible thing, just when you think you’ve got somewhere, the tiniest thing can bring you to your knees again. Go easy on yourself too

You've had some good advice here and I hope it has helped. Lots of widows and widowers in happy and fulfilled marriages seek new relationships sooner than people who haven't been in their situation think is suitable, but moving someone else in after six months is fast, and if it turns out to be too fast then this family will really need their friends. So well done for being there for them despite your understandable emotions about it.

I wanted to answer your question How can he move on already?
I know it must look like moving on from the outside, but having been in this situation, it feels like anything but. When I fell in love again it didn't stop me loving and missing DH1 deeply. I've likened to before to the emotions when having a second child - you love them and enjoy them as much as your first child but in no way are they a replacement.

It also might help a bit to think about what your friend would have wanted for her family? DH1 would say "I'm dying - you and the children aren't" and was adamant that we needed to find ways to get pleasure from life again. I know he'd be happy that we have.

Thank you Somerville. The analogy of having a second child is interesting, and did bring some sense. I suppose I have many friends too, and there will always beca gap where this one was, but it won’t stop me making new ones.

This thread has also made me see also that the DH May be trying to provide a maternal figure for his dc.

When I told DH he said “Good for him”.

Mars and Venus.

One of my BF's passed very suddenly a year and a half ago and her Dh did this. The new woman (who "coincidently" my friend and accused him of having an affair with) moved in after less than 6 months and they were married within a year. He cut off contact with ALL of her friends and I haven't see the DC in over a year, despite having been quite close to all of them. I don't care the reasoning to be honest, he's a dick. The kids had to deal with the sudden death of their mother and then the loss of everyone they knew? Absolute selfish asshole.

As far as the kids are concerned, maybe it's easier for them to get on with grieving for their mum when home life is easier practically.

They will not forget their mum, will they. And with friends of hers like you around to talk about her to they get -sort of- the best of both worlds (in as much as the worst has already happened).

I don't envy the new partner actually and can't understand why she would want to move in but that's a different issue.

I completely understand your feelings on the matter but I think people do what they have to to survive, emotionally or otherwise.

You don’t stop grieving just because you meet someone else. It truly is not that simple.

Also when you lose a spouse your perspective changes and you realise how precious life is. On that basis if happiness and companionship knocks on your door you really don’t turn them away.

It’s always friends and children of the deceased who mostly come in these threads to express their upset about the same scenario. But trust me when you are the spouse in this situation the grief is so hard. The sadness is still there. But life really is for the living.

I say cut him some slack.