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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just sit back, Ill do everything....

26 replies

funnyfish · 13/05/2007 21:16

Feeling a bit pissed off right now, we went out last night with a few friends and DP got stupidly drunk. Today is my birthday and DP didn't even drag his sorry arse up out of bed until 12pm, when he was up he was moping about with hangover refusing to do anything and expecting me to run around after him bringing him drinks and food. I've been bored to death all day (kids are with their dad so we couldve gone out).

Anyway to top it off I am starting a new job tomorow, I'm nervous as hell about it and so want everything ready in the morning so I have less to stress about whilst getting the kids ready for school etc.

So it gets to half 6, DP is saying he's hungry but rather than offering to help me make dinner he just sits there watching TV waiting for me to get up and cook it. Whilst it's cooking I try to get some ironing done for tomorow, I said to DP "could you just make a cup of tea while I do this?" and he replies "nah I don't want one yet, I'll have one later" so I get dinner ready, he instantly moans that the chips are cold and too hard I felt like saying "if you'd helped a bit maybe I would've done a better job" but I kept quiet and said they were cold as they'd been left out a while whilst the sausages cooked. So he left his chips, my DS asked him why he left all his chips and he snapped "because they're cold and hard, they're horrible! They're not cooked properly!"

So putting that little incident aside I was washing up (again he sat watching TV), ran the kids a bath, cleaned up a bit then went outside...the wheely bin is covered in maggots I have no idea where they've come from so start stressing about how to get rid, DP just looks at them, suggests boiling water and then goes back to sit down!!! so I did that, went to empty the kitchen bin and loads of his stuff fell off the top of it where he'd been shoving stuff in the bin when it was blatently full and needed emptying. So 2 burger packets, a milkshake bottle and a crisp packet all fell off the top of the bin, I hinted at him to pick them up by saying "hey, are these yours?" whilst walking towards the wheelie bin with the over-flowing bag (blatently struggling), he looked at the mess on the floor and said "oh yeah, it is" and carried on watching TV! then to top it all off the bag split outside and again he didnt lift a finger to help even though I was trying to get the kids bathed and clean the kitchen all at the same time and it's supposed to be my birthday.

Should I expect a bit more help from him considering he doesnt actually live here? (but stays here alot).

OP posts:
ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 13/05/2007 21:19

This doesn't sound good Funnyfish. Have you actually told him how all this has made you feel?

tiredemma · 13/05/2007 21:20

he sounds like a twat.

beansprout · 13/05/2007 21:21

You really deserve better than this.

Happy Birthday btw

expatinscotland · 13/05/2007 21:21

DTMFA.

compo · 13/05/2007 21:21

are you still with him after that? did he get you a present? offer to take you out?

PinkTulips · 13/05/2007 21:24

get rid

BigGitDad · 13/05/2007 21:24

Funnyfish, he treats you like that because you let him. If he doesn't actually live there then do not let him live there until he treats you properly.
After that rant you have to ask why would you want to be with an ungrateful selfish person?

fireflyfairy2 · 13/05/2007 21:24

See, id have had a tantrum & let rip. Bet he'd have helped a bit if he saw you ranting with a hot iron in your hand

snowleopard · 13/05/2007 21:25

Sorry you've had such a bad day - happy birthday. I think he should be history. This is not what a relationship is supposed to be like (let alone a birthday!). And your kids aren't getting a great example of how to have a caring, sharing and equal relationship either... have you thought about ending it with him, or having a break from him?

dasmum · 13/05/2007 21:25

Hi
I would be totally pissed with him, you have every right to feel like this even if it was not your birthday. Im sorry but cleaning maggots off the bin is a BLOKES job especially if he made the mess.
Is your relationship long term, you say he doesnt live with you? I would kick him into touch. Feeling very anti men at the moment, DH is being a total pr*ck at the moment and life would be easier and more organized without him.
Happy Birthday!

funnyfish · 13/05/2007 21:26

DTMFA?

He bought me a new mobile last week as a present and he paid for most of the drinks last night as a birthday treat so to speak...it's just his attitude. I have told him before that I could do with a hand now and again.

I mean take yesterday for example, I asked him if he would watch my 2 kids for me whilst I went to a hair dressers apointment (my grandad had given me money for my birthday so I treat myself to a hair do). He said he would watch them.

But they play up a bit in the morning and he says "right that's it, I'm not having them while you get your hair done, not a chance" so I phoned the hairdressers and tried to get a later apointment (kids went to their dads at 2pm, my apointment was for 1pm), they couldn't do it so I phoned their dad and asked if he'd come earlier, he would come at 1pm at the earliest.

DP saw me stressing about it and even coming very close to cancelling the apointment and still stuck by his refusal to watch them for me for an hour. I was fuming.

OP posts:
cathcart · 13/05/2007 21:27

sorry you have had a rubbish day, you definately shouldn't be putting up with that shite! sorry its a bit late for me to say this now but why have you been running around doing everything all day? i would tell him you have had a tiring, disappointing day and you would like to make up for it next weekend (or whenever you are both off).

mishw · 13/05/2007 21:29

And is good points are what exactly?

I know everyone can have an off day but to sit on his arse and do nothing. However you are partly to blame as you allow him to behave in that way.

Good luck at work tomorrow and happy birthday for today

LucyJones · 13/05/2007 21:30

I think you have to think about this long term. Are you planning on living together? Is he ever going to want to make your kids a part of his life?

mishw · 13/05/2007 21:30

Funnyfish - just read your last post - GET RID!!!!!! You do not need to be with someone like that.

cathcart · 13/05/2007 21:30

x post.
about the hairdressers! you need to have this out with him or nothing will ever change!

funnyfish · 13/05/2007 21:30

Thanks for the birthday wishes

The stupid thing is I'm not a "good woman" type but he knows I have no option but to keep the house running because if I don't it's just me and the kids that suffer, he just goes back home at the end of the day.

OP posts:
mishw · 13/05/2007 21:34

send him back to his own home permanently - anyone who behaves in that way makes me so cross. relationships are about both partners being equal, they may have different roles but they compliment each other and work as a team - he is not working with you and unless you think he will change, why bother with him?

funnyfish · 13/05/2007 22:04

I think he thinks that because he doesnt live here he doesnt need to lift a finger, he also seems to think that present buying makes up for quality time together.

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 13/05/2007 22:07

It sounds like you expect, request or demand nothing from this man in the way of help, and that is exactly what he's giving you.

lou33 · 13/05/2007 22:20

when i was with my bf, he used to come and stay every weekend, and sometimes overnight in the week

he used to muck in without even being asked

he played with the kids, planned activities to take them on, cooked sometimes , cleaned my house (!), took me for dinner, made me cocktails, did little things because he wanted to see me happy

i cant see what you are getting from this relationship that is positive or beneficial to you, what does he do that makes you feel like he should be in your life?

JodieG1 · 13/05/2007 22:23

Yes you should expect more help. Ffs who does he think he is sitting there expecting to get waited on hand and foot? Of course also you shouldn't do it as then he wouldn't expect it.

warthog · 13/05/2007 22:52

i think you're being waaaaay too subtle. you're hinting and he's not taking the hints. if you want him to sort out the rubbish, don't ask him 'hey, are these yours?', say 'please sort this rubbish out'. if he says he's hungry, tell him to start making tea.

he's not going to read your mind. tell him what you want him to do before you start seething and getting resentful.

not that i'm condoning his childish, lazy behaviour you understand...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2007 07:18

funnyfish

I would have to agree with the comment that he partly acts like this because you let him walk all over you. He's probably also very good at making you feel full of self doubt. He is also a selfish and immature manchild/cocklodger who is quite happy to sponge off a single parent like your good self and not contribute anything.

You have two children; you do not need a grown up one as well to run around after. Notice he does nothing to help you. I think if you were to tell him how you felt he would not care less.

They need a decent role model and you my friend need someone other than him.

You sound like his Mother; infact this man just wants another Mum to mother him. His Mother is no doubt gald to be rid of him. No wonder he stays with you a lot; free lodging and being waited on. You are now doing her previous job in those areas.

DTMFA - dump the MF already!!. That's what that means. Good expression that.

Is this what you really want; an immature manchild who has no reason, wish or incentive to change. Your children probably hate the sight of him and only put up with him because of you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2007 07:37

Definition of cocklodger (phrase copyright to Viz) ie bloke who wants to move in with a single mum so he can watch DVDs all day, get fed and supplied with the occasional blowjob.

Madamez described this sort of person first on here. The things I've learnt from Mumsnet eh!.