Child’s problems caused by marital ones?

[HollyHunter18]

Has anyone had experience of a child presenting with autistic like symptoms ( lack of interest in other children, aggression, hyperactivity, meltdowns, trying to control, repetitive play) which was as a result of a tension in the home which improved after separation?

I think tension in the home is detrimental to a child’s mental well being yes.

How long you wait before putting their mental well being first will determine on if it’s reversble or not.

Or it could be autism which isn’t but still won’t be helped with tension in the home.

I just don’t know of being separated from a dad they do love who is doting will do their mental health much good eirher- less yentiom, confusion and arguments but a dad living far away and probably blaming their mum for everything - I don’t know how much better that will
Be?

Less tension

All I can tell you is I stayed, and my DS now hates me. He is 20. The anger and confusion over the years, particularly about parenting styles, has been damaging to him without a doubt.

Bucklimgfrolics did he behave similarly to my DS as a small
Child? Can I ask what your different parenting styles were? Don’t all
Boys want their dad around?

Why are you asking OP?

Do you honestly thing LONG term tension in the home is more detrimental than short term pain of separating and adjustment?

Kids adapt, especially if they’re very young.

Yes my eldest behaved exactly as you described and my youngest was hyperactive and destructive. I was going down the diagnosis route (utterly convinced one had ASD and the other had ADHD) when things at home came to a crashing end and we separated. 8 months on, after a tough first few months, and I can't believe I ever thought that about them. They have improved dramatically - and I don't say that lightly.

I am so hoping this is true. Am also going through a long and difficult divorce, but hopefully the end is now in sight. I have a daughter with anxiety / ocd and I also sometimes wonder if some of her symptoms could be related to autism.

I hope beyond measure that her anxiety improves once we are more settled and properly separated.

Buckingfrolicks, Worried 1000 can I ask if your husband was/ is a loving father? Mine is very doting and this is making it very hard for me to separate him from them. In my case it would mean them living 2-3 hours away from him which would make only weekend contact possible. I would also be moving house and area so I worry that things would get worse in terms of my so s behaviour rather than better because of all the disruption?

I grew up with parents in a very unhealthy relationship and categorically I can state it did a whole host of damage to my mental health. Damage I'm only getting to grips with now. I recently divorced my ex after 10 years because it wasnt a good marriage and I didn't want my girls living through it.

Can I also ask if anyone else’s husband is even now demonstrably affectionate with the children after upsetting their mother and becomes the perfect active father when things are terrible between you?

Yes OP and just wait til you have broken up. He demos of affection and perfect parenting will go into overdrive but that doesn't mean it's genuine.

I have 2 dd’s, one diagnosed with autism.

Since I separated from her dad dd2 has improved Immeasurably. She has thrived and grown physically so much that on our last visit her paediatrician had to weigh and measure her twice. Her confidence and school work have improved and her social skills much better. I spend a lot of time thinking the diagnosis doesn’t fit any more. And I also feel guilty and wonder if her symptoms were caused or made worse by the atmosphere in the house, her dad’s moods etc. He was not a doting dad though. Although I think he is better now.

That’s really interesting Hipster. We are in the assessment process and I’m really concerned I’m doing the wrong thing.

Op I do a lot of research in this area.

Do you know that a lot of children who have been diagnosed with conditions such as ADHD etc would not have been so if you looked a lot closer to home. Domestic incidents and parental abuse or aggression can cause children to internalise and act out. People are quick to label them with conditions when sometimes they need help with their mental health and dealing with issues at home.

Mellow yellow - that’s what I suspect but I am terribly worried that separation will just make things worse in a different way. My husband is a very doting dad and my son loves him. If we separate we will sell our home and move 2/3 hours apart. There will be massive disruption. My husband agrees our relationship is bad for the children but is convinced it’s all my fault. I’m worried about getting a diagnosis now - I’m so confused- i was only trying to help my child and it’s all a mess.

yellow that’s fascinating.

If, during the assessment process (when I mainly attended alone) I had been asked about things at home I would have told the paediatrician her dad is disengaged from family life and a moody arse and I am basically a single parent with an overgrown third child. I would have been happy to disclose it and it may have informed the assessment.

It’s a shame this aspect isn’t asked about during the long assesssment process. dd’s diagnosis took four years.

OP why don’t you tell the paediatrician what you have written here. Obviously they cannot advise you what to do but they can tell you about the potential significance.

I would advise anyone in this situation to leave because I have seen my child thrive despite the disruption and the living between two homes.

He’s being assessed by the LEA and the nursery are involved so it would be a matter of telling everyone and hen I am worried that if I say it’s all down to domestic stuff and he is autistic- I won’t get him the help he needs.

Hipster are you a professional working in this area or was your child diagnosed?

me too. My middle son was diagnosesd with adhd, I'm pretty sure it was related to the crap atmosphere at home. Its much better now ( he's gone) and so is my son ...Having a safe home, free from emotional verbal or physical abuse is so so important for everyones mental health, but especially children !

Me and my husband separated January 17. And as much as we tried the kids picked up on the tension..my daughter was withdrawn and wet everywhere. My son was so rude and spoke to me in the tone and words my husband did. We are civil and made the separation as easy as we could for the kids but within a few months the wetting stopped compeltely. My son talks to me like a typical 7 year old. It was the right decision for us and out kids. They pick up so much more than we give them credit for..

There is no physical stuff just contempt and verbal
Abuse.

The kids are given lots of affection but any affection between us as parents is extremely rare.