Child’s problems caused by marital ones?

[HollyHunter18]

Has anyone had experience of a child presenting with autistic like symptoms ( lack of interest in other children, aggression, hyperactivity, meltdowns, trying to control, repetitive play) which was as a result of a tension in the home which improved after separation?

There was no physical stuff with my and my ex. Not very much outright verbal abuse either. Just subtle control, moods and tension. I trod on eggshells around him. I thought it didn’t affect the kids this way. But now that dd2 has gone on to thrive I am not so sure.

I feel like my dd2’s development has been in two distinct phases : pre-2013 and post 2013.

Do you really have to move 3 hours away?

HollyHunter18 sorry I didn't reply sooner.
My DS was not diagnosed with autism but I strongly consider he may have aspergers.
Anyway, his dad was a loving very involved dad - and has been far far too 'rescuing' of each and every problem, challenge, upset and difficulty faced by our DS in his growing up, in my opinion. I wanted our DS to learn to take responsibility, to learn from mistakes, to have the confidence to make a mistake and try again, to learn to respect other people's needs... he has learned little of this, in my view, because of his dad's chronic need to 'rescue' and protect him. Our DS now hates me because eg I ask him to unload the dishwasher, or help his dad, or come and visit his grannie.
But like you, the idea when my DS away from his dad when he was small, was not an option for me; they adored each other and still do (albeit in what I view as an unhealthy way).
To my shame, I have to say it was probably me who was contemptuous and critical far far more often than my DP was to me. My DP is a passive aggressive, people-pleaser, so the things that were making me angry were largely invisible to other people, like eg no sex for 15 years, no handholding, him not doing what he had said he would, him 'spoiling' the DCs, him having secrets from me... all of which mean I am the baddie in our household.

I would, if I knew then what I know now, have taken the harder road and moved the DCs away from their dad, and tried to co parent while apart. I'm living in a mess that I was too scared to deal with when they were small, and now, 20 years on, it's a bigger and messier mess than ever.

Good luck - trust your instincts.

My husband also spoils my son which gets in the way of me teaching him skills he needs and he undermines me. I am trying to set some boundaries as I think this is part of the problem. I want him to climb trees without dad hovering right beside him all the time. Dad has never been good at telling him No! and I think my son is confused as a result. He will also smother my son with kisses after being very cruel to me which hurts deeply.

Having an emotionally abusive parent is very damaging to the children in the home. I stayed for years putting up with awful disrespectful behaviour partly because he convinced me that I was the problem not him and partly through thinking I was doing the best for my DD's and in fact it was the worst thing I could have done. My eldest has anxiety due to constantly trying to live up to the standards expected of her. When she was little he idolised her but once she started to have a mind of her own and questioned his behaviour everything changed. I wish I could turn the clock back and leave when she was young and before he could do further damage. Please don't stay because of the children.