Am I being a drama queen

[Nellia]

So dh and I seperated over a year ago then decided to work things out 6 months ago.

We have been dating on and off not much time due to limited childcare and he often stays over midweek 2 nights and is around most weekends.
He sent me off on a nice little weekend holiday recently when I returned there where a few issues with childcare i.e he said he'd watch kids while I was away then rang me part way through to say he had to work so was sending them to his mates house. I get seperation anxiety and this is the first time ive been away from them overnight in 10yrs and it just pissd me off after all the planning to ensure he would be free to mind yhem.

We had a converation about how him not keeping his word disapointed me. When I came back we agreed to spend day together as a family then at the last minute he decided to go help his brother with the garden after id sat around all morning with kids waiting for him to get up.

We again had a conversation about him saying one thing and doing another and how it made me feel like I didnt matter. The conversations were all initiated by me each time hed try and dismiss what I said as nonsense.

I called him yesterday he said he couldnt talk but would call me back then didnt. This is a pattern of behaviour he had when we lived together that did my head in and he now knows it having discussed it over three days a lot and him saying he will do what he says he will.

So I left a message baisically saying im sick of being messed about and Im done.
Be honest am I just being a drama queen about this. I feel like its important but his attitude is just that im making mountains out of molehills. Where as to me it feels like he comes and goes as he pleases without feeling I have a say in things if he wants to stay over or do something he does if he doesnt hes off. If I have stuff to do and hint that he should go, he starts grumbeling that Im kicking him out.

Sounds to me hed double booked with his brother and couldnt find a way to say no. His flaky behaviour is his character and thats the way he is as he was like that before
Does he tell you he loves you? If he loves you and is happy to be back as a family unit then you will get past it. His behaviour is quite impulsive and seems like he lacks insight however and he is prob like this with other people
It was a bit disrespectful because youd looked forward to a day out and if you wanted me time you would have said. Tell him you respect that he is naturally scatty but its starting to affect the relationship as it seems hes not taking your feelings into account and his lack of organisational skills suggests he might need extra support ie a session of relationship counselling

Some of the messages here are over the top which is usually the case on mumsnet thats why im starting to prefer theanswerbank because there are less neurotic people on there. Some of the comments on this site are akin to bullying
As for him saying he didbt call to teach u a lesson was prob because you sent him a nasty message as you said and it pissed him off
I dont think he is trying to abuse or control you as others on here said.

@Nellia I’m sorry you’ve had some horrible comments, but I hope that the positive ones have helped you to have faith in your own opinion and thoughts. That’s the crucial part here, regaining control of yourself for you.

Not in a “grow a backbone” way (I fucking hate that phrase!) in a “oh, I can be me again” way. All the best

I was going to say the holiday thing and the gardening thing werent too bad and that flakiness isnt a crime. Then i read this:

it feels like he comes and goes as he pleases without feeling I have a say in things if he wants to stay over or do something he does if he doesnt hes off. If I have stuff to do and hint that he should go, he starts grumbeling that Im kicking him out.

Which doesnt sound fair and i thought maybe being more assertive would help. Not hinting at what you want but following his lead and doing what you want.

Then you said the thing about him trying to teach you a lesson by withholding contact. He doesnt sound nice. I cant blame you for struggling to make sense of your relationship.

Things sound reasonably amicable between you. Why dont you call time on the marriage and settle into a new phase of friendship and co-parenting. It seems you could really make that work. Better get out now before it gets acrimonious.

Banana1979 thanks for being the alternative voice in the dark.

Smeddum ironically the whole point of my getaway was about being me again and his arranging it was to me him saying he supported that. if anything this post has helped me see I have some more work to do on that score.

ZenNudist yes in line with comment above being more assertive is something ive lost in the mix of loosing myself. We coparented amicably during the split and will most likely go back to that if the issues raised cant be resolved.

If this is his best effort at making it work, it is not good enough.

Why would you want to be with someone who feels you need to be taught a lesson. For daring to have an opinion or question him or object to being let down. He is trying to put you in your place which he seems think is under his thumb.

This man is showing you very clearly who he is. Believe him. And believe you and your kids deserve so much better.

He isnt interested in changing. You cant change him. He wont change. People dont change.

Do you want to be with him as he is?

Because he sounds shit tbh.