Am I being a drama queen

[Nellia]

So dh and I seperated over a year ago then decided to work things out 6 months ago.

We have been dating on and off not much time due to limited childcare and he often stays over midweek 2 nights and is around most weekends.
He sent me off on a nice little weekend holiday recently when I returned there where a few issues with childcare i.e he said he'd watch kids while I was away then rang me part way through to say he had to work so was sending them to his mates house. I get seperation anxiety and this is the first time ive been away from them overnight in 10yrs and it just pissd me off after all the planning to ensure he would be free to mind yhem.

We had a converation about how him not keeping his word disapointed me. When I came back we agreed to spend day together as a family then at the last minute he decided to go help his brother with the garden after id sat around all morning with kids waiting for him to get up.

We again had a conversation about him saying one thing and doing another and how it made me feel like I didnt matter. The conversations were all initiated by me each time hed try and dismiss what I said as nonsense.

I called him yesterday he said he couldnt talk but would call me back then didnt. This is a pattern of behaviour he had when we lived together that did my head in and he now knows it having discussed it over three days a lot and him saying he will do what he says he will.

So I left a message baisically saying im sick of being messed about and Im done.
Be honest am I just being a drama queen about this. I feel like its important but his attitude is just that im making mountains out of molehills. Where as to me it feels like he comes and goes as he pleases without feeling I have a say in things if he wants to stay over or do something he does if he doesnt hes off. If I have stuff to do and hint that he should go, he starts grumbeling that Im kicking him out.

You deserve a lot more than this and his behaviour doesn’t sound that like of a man fighting to save and work on the relationship.

I have to agree that not cheating or being financially abusive is a very low bar.

Has anything really changed since you started dating again? Does he make you happy, make your life easier, make your future look brighter with him in it?

If he’s a good dad, he’ll keep being a good dad even though you’re apart. This is about the sort of partner he is, and it wouldn’t work for me.

Wickedlazy no nothing like that was definetely work if he wanted to go off with someone for the day he could do that without sending me on a holiday.

Annelovesgilbert thats the thing, things had changed but this week as someone else has mentioned it would seem now that he has his feet under the table hes reverted to type.
Ironically the part time nature of our set up was my idea as I didnt want him to just up and move back in untill.I was certain so I guess I shouldnt complain about that.

So after all of that he called me yesterday saying he hasnt called me to teach me a lesson...Im seriously now lost for words and so so confused

Confused about what exactly. How could one man be such a twat? How could a grown man treat a grown woman like a child? How could an adult think the silent treatment is an effective form of communication and that it is better then actually talking?

I think he has taught you a lesson - that he’s an arsehole who isn’t making any effort! Not sure that’s the lesson he thought he was teaching you though

What lesson would that be?

That when you have an opinion you should be ignored?

Teaching you a lesson?
What an idiot! He’s putting no effort in.

He abused you, then TOLD you that he had deliberately abused you.

Emotional abuse. Gaslighting. Gameplaying. Silent treatment.

This is your future.
This is your childrens' future.

I agree that what he's doing is gaslighting you, deliberately confusing you, and he's good at it. My DM does that constantly; my DH gets so fed up with being told he said something that he knows he didn't say.

Your DH is being very manipulative, not to mention very passive aggressive. Not calling you back to teach you a lesson, seriously??? I think you should get rid too fwiw.

Thanks. Im sitting here thinking about things and am seeing it as this after googling gasslighting but I wonder if anyone has any website links or knowledge if a person can do this unintentionally I know it sounds naive but Id like to think maybe if we got counselling he could change or be made aware. Or just plain change. Sounds stupid I guess but just wondered.

You got it right the first time when you separated from him

"So after all of that he called me yesterday saying he hasnt called me to teach me a lesson"

That tells you everything you need to know about how little respect he has for you. That will never change. He thinks he gets to tell you what is "acceptable behaviour" from you and that he gets to punish you to "teach" you.

he called me yesterday saying he hasnt called me to teach me a lesson

Nellie - does this sound like he's doing it unintentionally?
I'm sorry, but I think you're clutching at straws here.

Any bloke that tried to "teach me a lesson" would get a short, sharp "fuck off" from me

teach me a lesson

There are red flags all over that statement. Fucking hell if DP ever said something like that, even in jest, I’d flip it. That is not an acceptable way to treat your partner, it’s manipulative and cruel.

he hasnt called me to teach me a lesson

Fuck that. Time to bail out! He's deliberately trying to control you.

maybe if we got counselling he could change

I very much doubt it. Sorry.

Why did you get separated OP?

You are just prolonging your own agony, he won't change, you are experiencing the same crap you put up with before; drama queen, hardly, in fact you sound far too accommodating, waiting around with his kids hoping he turns up, nah, fuck that, surely you can do better, he's not great and he's not a great dad either, you really need to raise your bar if you think you are the one that's OTT.

I'd thank him for the lesson as it's taught you what an arse he is.

Unintentionally gaslight you? You think he is hearing voices?

He TOLD YOU HE WAS PUNISHING YOU!! Ffs op, wake up and find a backbone!

knowledge if a person can do this unintentionally I know it sounds naive but Id like to think maybe if we got counselling he could change or be made aware

Gaslighting is a complex series of behaviours that take thought, consideration and implementation. So with the best will in the world OP, no, it’s not possible to do it unintentionally. Ever.

I understand why you think the way you do, it’s called conditioning. He has conditioned you to doubt yourself, to second guess yourself and to worry that you’ve got it wrong. Because he’ll then “clear things up for you” and you’ll believe him, because your own thoughts are so jumbled and confused that someone stating things confidently is a relief to you. Does that sound familiar? Because it is a classic symptom of abuse. It familiar to me because I lived it, and he would have killed me if I hadn’t got out. Either that or I’d have killed myself just to get away. Because it was that bad.

Please OP, listen to the advice you’re getting on here from women who have lived it, and got out. If not my advice, someone else’s. But please, get free.

Smeddum thanks for your post and understanding it has given me a lot to think about.
I think however that its time to close this post down now as the others telling me to get a backbone are a fair bit uneccessary. I have a backbone Im just trying to understand my situation and do whats best for my family.

You are being very reasonable here.