Is it okay to move on?

[sosks]

I was in a relationship with my emotionally abusive ex (unwillingly) until February. In my head, I was fully checked out of the relationship in November, but I was scared of leaving as he threatened suicide regularly. Our son was stillborn in August and I naively hoped it would work out after what we'd been through despite his behaviour. On one occasion I had to wrestle a knife from him as he tried to stab himself in the neck in front of me. That was the first time I'd called the police and I called them a further 5 times before I left.

Not long after I left him I joined some OLD apps hoping to get a bit of confidence back. Feelings wise I had nothing to get over and it might sound silly but I didn't think I'd meet anyone I'd really like for a while. Except I did/have.

In March I started seeing a really great guy and we're now in a budding relationship. He knows about my past relationship and the issues with it, how long ago etc and has been very kind and patient with me. We're taking it easy and just enjoying spending time together and it's been great so far.

Am I allowed to move on like this? I feel like I need permission to be happy, life hasn't been kind to me for a long time...

I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby.

Can I ask whether you have any other children? Just want to understand your situation a bit better x

@PrizeOik Thank you. I don't have any other children, no. He was my first child and first pregnancy.

In that case, you have less to risk. If I were you I'd keep seeing him but work very hard to keep it casual. I encourage you to read "Why Men Love Bitches" (dreadful title I know) and ensure that you invest most of your energy in building friendships and activities of your own.

Keep the man in perspective - he is just a man - men are like buses, if you wait around for a bit there will be another one along shortly.

There is inherent risk in all relationships, especially when you are recovering from abuse. But at the same time - life is so short.

I left my EA husband and met my current DP within three weeks I held him at a firm distance for over a year, but the relationship grew despite that and we are coming up on three years soon...

My relationship with DP was, while casual for a long time, also really therapeutic. Physically it can be enormously healing to have someone.

But just keep it in perspective. Be selfish. Invest in yourself, not in a relationship. Remember the only permanent relationship you will ever have is with yourself. Xx

Sorry for your loss . Yes, you're allowed to move on and you're allowed to be happy.

I'd be cautious about your new relationship, tho, because you've been through a lot and sometimes people who've been in abusive relationships have had their boundaries so messed up that they get drawn into further abusive relationships.

So yes, enjoy it and have fun, but also think about doing the Freedom Programme and some counselling to make sure you're in a good place.

@PrizeOik Duly noted! Excellent advice, thank you. I will check that out shortly.

I definitely know my own worth a lot more now. Despite his best attempts, my ex has actually made me stronger. Having dealt with his abuse and the lost of my son at the same time, and getting through it, makes everything else seem insignificant in perspective.

I was a little surprised at the attention I'd gotten from these apps though, I really hadn't thought I was worthy of that level of attention. I'm trying to keep the mindset of, if this guy won't treat me right either then there's plenty of options! I don't think I have the patience to put up with being treated like shit again.

The life is short thing I guess is part of it all. It's a long story (sorry to drip feed) but I fought hard for my son to have a chance to live and now I feel like I need to make the most of everything and every moment. In a strange way I don't think I could have broken free from my ex if I hadn't lost my son. Not in the way of him tying us together, but my son gave me a strength I never knew I had and I fully intend to put it to good use.

After leaving my ex I started investing back into friendships with people I hadn't seen in a long time and doing anything and everything I want so hopefully that's put me on good footing for if this relationship doesn't work out. Good thing is that the both of us work so we can only spend a specific amount of time together. My ex was chronically unemployed and couldn't hold a job for more than 2 weeks so he was always there hanging around me.

I hope all is well with you and your DP! I'm glad you're in a much better place now yourself too x

@category12 Thank you

I'm being very cautious this time! I've had a lot of counselling over the last year, even during the relationship, and I now recognise a lot of the red flags I ignored before. Unfortunately, the propensity for being drawn to emotionally abusive relationships comes from family experience but having worked through that with a counsellor and now understanding it I'm hoping I'm looking at things clearly now. I've definitely had major boundary issues.

I'm actually just about to finish counselling next month. This is grief counselling, though. I've had 2 counsellors and a development support worker (? unsure of title) at work over the last year. My grief counsellor is astounded how far I've come lately, really happy with my progress. My old counsellor was through work and he's aware of the whole situation though my sessions have ended. He did say if I ever needed it he could see me the odd time free of charge, so if I start struggling I know who to call!!

I do hope that this is the start of something happy. I know it's early days but even if it's not going to be 'the one', doesn't mean it can't be a happy relationship. He's treating me really well so far, nothing like my ex (or the family members) in behavior, so fingers crossed!

If your new man makes you happy then go for it! its understandable you might feel abit of guilt towards your ex but theres no point going against what you want deep down and wallowing because who is that helping? Time passes by so quickly so grab any oppurtunities of happiness while you can, you need to put yourself first. I was in a similar situation and joined a dating site out of bordem, happened to connect with somebody and now we have been together 10 months and we are very happy, and everyone i knew told me to stay single and concentrate on myself but after 9 years of a miserable abusive relationship with my childrens dad im now putting my own happiness first and i dont give a damn what anybody else thinks.

I’m so sorry for your loss, your ex sounds awful I’m so glad you are out of that relationship. Of course you are allowed to move on you don’t need permission although being with that ex I can see why (the controlling and abusive behaviour). Abusive ex's often say they are going to commit suicide to stop you leaving. All relationships end in either death or you split up, unless you want to be with that person until one of you dies (which wouldn’t be so long if he is abusive) then you should split up (I’m glad you have done) the sooner you move on to other people the better and I'm so glad you have met someone. You deserve all the happiness you can get and hopefully have a great new life together. If you are worried about the ex call the police if the threatens you etc and don’t under any circumstances feel guilty about moving on!