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Original poster

FWB situation

34 replies

Tahini123 · 20/04/2018 19:14

Sorry, just need to get this off my chest. Any insight would be great!

Been in a FWB arrangement since Jan. We've had a fair bit of sex - ranges from around 4 times a week and then a gap of a week and a half then back on it again. About 3 weeks ago we had a talk about no attachments, we're never going to date etc. TBH it felt like he was trying to needle me. Just to add, he also blew me out once for a date with another woman and sent a pic of her to me.

Anyway, 2 days ago after sex, I caught my FWB staring at me for ages and I asked him what was up. He said something about how great I'd look with him on holiday in a bikini. Also asked what I'd cook him if we were dating. Then said, "no, no we're probably argue" (we do argue a bit). He's jokingly said about going out for a drink. He's sometimes asks if I'm having sex with anyone else. We left on good terms.

He wanted some career advice so I text him twice that evening - no response. I wasn't that shocked because he's inconsistent with texting and absolutely hates it. Next day I text him about our next meet...still no response. Getting suspicious I text again (needy texter and he knows it) "have I pissed you off?". Still no response. I believe he's blocked me. I've been in tears and not sure why. I know we're incompatible that's why I never bit with the holiday offer. I just really, really want closure if it's over. I don't expect to ever hear from him again (unless he gets desperate for sex).

This is the short version.

OP posts:
Isetan · 20/04/2018 20:55

We’ve had a spate of threads recently when people who clearly aren’t in the headspace for FWB, say they’re in a FWB situation. The whole point of a FWB set up is to avoid all the angst associated with a relationship while getting your rocks off but if you were frequency arguing and miscommunicating (him messing with your head) then you were not in a FWB situation, it was just a dysfunctional relationship.

You being in tears by being blocked by this mind fucker should be confirmation enough that your boundaries were not robust enough for casual hook ups. The F stands for friend and I get the impression that may of made the casual hook up more palatable but the truth is, you weren’t friends.

Mourn whatever it was you called it and move on.

Namechangedname · 20/04/2018 21:35

You clearly liked him more than an FWB or you wouldn't be so upset.

Maybe have some time away from him and see whether you really want to be sleeping with an inconsiderate arse.

Hope you feel better soon.

meowimacat · 20/04/2018 21:48

He's leading you on babe. He knows you have feelings for him that are stronger than he'll have for you. So every now and again he'll say something like the holiday thing, to give you some hope and make you stick around.

If he's blocked you he's done you a favour, but right now you won't see that. He is using you, and he doesn't care. Sorry to be harsh but I'm coming out of something similar and it hurts.

He'll be back anyway when whoever he is with now (and you realise he's got at least one other woman on the go) has dumped him. He'll be back to you, saying his excuses and why he blocked you.

It's ok not to be someone who can handle a FWB. I get too involved, I give too much of myself and I couldn't do it. Find someone you can have something more meaningful with. x

Original poster
Tahini123 · 20/04/2018 23:23

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.

I understand that the arrangement went beyond FWB. He's confided in me about his brother's cancer and the fact that his business is not doing very well. His last long term relationship cheated on him for over a year. It was with a bodybuilder at the gym and consequently he's obsessed with the gym/likely suffering from body dysmorphia.

I don't think he was leading me on with the dates/holiday suggestion. He's been honest from the start that he's looking for 'the one' to start a family. He's tried to find out where I stand regarding children but I've been evasive. In all honesty, it's me that's stopped the FWB situation from progressing onto dating. There are so many red flags (ditched a 37 year old to date a 25 year old) and that's why I don't understand why he gets under my skin so much! We're basically chalk and cheese.

I suspect he plays the 'no contact' game. It's some BS thing devised by men on the bodybuilding forum. He pretty much admitted it once. The thing that's winding me up so much is that we had a great time two nights ago and then out of the blue blocked me???

OP posts:
Original poster
Tahini123 · 20/04/2018 23:24

If you don't mind me asking - meowimacat - how did your situation unfold?

OP posts:
Ilovefishcakes201 · 21/04/2018 05:03

He probably went on a date with someone and doesn’t want you to disturb.
Or he has suddenly lost interest.

Either he sounds like a charmer Hmm and stop reading too much what he says.

Tardis1985 · 21/04/2018 07:22

Words are cheap. His actions towards you are speaking volumes. Block him so he can't come sneaking back around you when he gets bored with who he is doing now. You deserve so much more than being a "for now" xx

Angelf1sh · 21/04/2018 08:03

Totally agree with Isetan, this was not a fwb scenario. Neither of you were treating it as that. You’d be better off blocking him for your own sanity and moving on.

Lunettesloupes · 21/04/2018 09:01

What an a’hole - telling you he’s lookin for ‘the one’, regular sex and sharing vulnerabilities and fantasising about holidays....and then sending you pics of dates and ghosting you. He must have loved all that. Prick!!

meowimacat · 21/04/2018 13:04

Tahini123 My situation was, I was dating my guy for 5 months. He made out he wanted to date me, didn't see it as casual. Made effort to get to know me, and my kids (through me, I didn't introduce them.) At the 4 month stage and when it all seemed like we were in a relationship I asked him what was going on as we weren't official but had both said we were exclusive to each other.

He then confessed he didn't want a relationship, with anyone, and that he wanted to travel loads etc. But if I could continue seeing him exclusively without the title, 'who knows' what could happen in the future.

I was taken aback because he had acted so differently and I had let him in my life. However I immediately cut contact, told him I deserved better and walked away. He kept messaging me saying he missed me etc. Begging for us to stay friends. Weeks later we met up as friends, but we were never friends and so it turned into some FWB situation where he treated me even worse than when we were dating.

He also had a female 'best friend' (his only friend to be fair) who he gave WAY more attention to, but swore there was nothing more than a platonic relationship there. I do believe they are just friends, but I'm certain at some stage they would have been hooking up. He uses her as his ego boost I realise now, explains why he has no male friends, as they don't do that for him.

These guys are emotionally unavailable, and they are only looking for an ego boost, and we are giving that to them.

My guy used me constantly for approval, and then when he knew he could have me he'd drop me again. Mine was also into bodybuilding and hits the gym constantly. I cut contact a week ago when I found he was flirting with a woman from his gym on Instagram. To be honest it wasn't even that big a deal (not like we're seeing each other), but it hurt and showed me what he's up to and I just needed a reason to cut him out of my life for good. Blocked him completely and haven't spoken to him in a week.

It's only now I've taken that space for myself without him in my life I can see how much he used me. :( I can read in your writing the excuses you are making for him...the bad breakup, his brother being ill, his work being tough, how he's playing a 'game' with the blocking, how you guys are chalk and cheese so it'd never work, how you didn't want the FWB to progress. At the end of the day, regardless of what's been going on in his life, does he show enough interest in you? No. Is this ever going to be anything more than a FWB situation? No. Never. He has blocked you - could that be any more of a sign that he doesn't care? I highly doubt he's playing a game, but even if he is, is that the type of guy you want to date? (Insert excuse for the tough time he's going through that makes this behaviour okay.)

However, I do believe he still has you wrapped around his finger, even after blocking you. He'll be back (which I know deep down you'll be relieved about), but he will continue to use you for years unless you let go of him. I mean fully let go, no friendship, nothing. He is a user, and he gets way more out of this than you do. You'll just end up with a broken heart when he eventually blocks you for good, and moves on with the next girl he claims is 'the one'.

Original poster
Tahini123 · 21/04/2018 13:16

meowimacat, thankk you. I will respond in more detail to your message later - I am just off out.

Little update. He text me this morning claiming that I'm not blocked! Also said, "anyone would think you're in love with me"....

OP posts:
Lunettesloupes · 21/04/2018 18:24

Well who wouldn’t be...? Hmm

meowimacat · 21/04/2018 19:05

Wow ego much...but just shows how much he knows you're into him...and how he's clearly going to play that. He obviously doesn't have strong feelings and is like 'wow you would even care i blocked you because I wouldn't the other way around'

Please try and move on from him. x

chestylarue52 · 21/04/2018 19:18

These guys are emotionally unavailable, and they are only looking for an ego boost, and we are giving that to them.

This. This this this. Print it out or have it tattooed on you.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2018 19:22

That's not a "FWB situation" it's him using you for sex and taking the piss

Pigsbum1978 · 21/04/2018 19:34

I'm currently wading into the OLD pool and I find it really helpful in situations where I think I'm being messed about to delete their number (you have to be through though, delete separately from WhatsApp and call logs) and save the last 4 digits so if in a few days or weeks you get a text from an unknown number you can work out who it is.

I find it takes away the urge to text or call them asking if they're annoyed (or anything else that you will kick yourself for saying) and even if you do have the urge it's impossible.

Cupoteap · 21/04/2018 20:06

You didn't bite so he's left you hanging knowing you would keep texting and get upset.

expatinscotland · 21/04/2018 20:12

Get rid of him. Do what Pigs said. He wasn't a FWB, he was a mind-fucking player. What a loser.

Original poster
Tahini123 · 21/04/2018 21:15

One time during sex he 'accidentally' put it in the wrong hole and it took some convincing for him to remove it. Consequently I bled for two days after.

And yet I'm still fixated on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tahini123 · 21/04/2018 21:16

Thank you for the replies. They have been very insightful.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 21/04/2018 21:21

yep he's playing games. he's playing you like a violin. don't respond and delete his number.

eddielizzard · 21/04/2018 21:21

bleurgh just read 'took some convincing' - such a prince isn't he?

expatinscotland · 21/04/2018 21:23

'One time during sex he 'accidentally' put it in the wrong hole and it took some convincing for him to remove it. Consequently I bled for two days after.'

That's rape, you know. Yes, it really is. There's a fairly recent episode of '48 Hours in Police Custody' featuring a man who did exactly this and he was convicted of rape.

XiCi · 21/04/2018 21:44

The more you post the more horrific he sounds. What are you doing, seriously? Is there some reason why you would let someone treat you with so much contempt? Do you not value yourself at all? He is royally taking the piss out of you. The whole situation sounds horrendous. Please dump him and think seriously about why you would let anyone treat you like this.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2018 22:28

Some quite spectacular drip feeding going on here.