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Original poster

Can't stop thinking about this

56 replies

MaisieDuke · 20/04/2018 15:04

I have posted about this before in chat. It has since disappeared. I'm just going crazy and would really appreciate some advice please.
Back story
DH and I had been friends (very casual) with this couple.
Due to a family death we grew quite close to them.
Unfortunately their marriage ended and the lady became quite close to us. Leaning on us for support. Coming for dinner etc.
My DC absolutely adore her and she has older children who they also love.

She was very friendly with my DH but used to say that she looked on him as a brother as she had no family of her own.

Abut 18 months ago I was really ill. What can only be described as a breakdown.
I looked at DH phone Blush.
He had sent her a couple of text messages saying how lovely she was and how beautiful she was inside and out.
Obviously we had a huge argument. He said he was only texting her because she was low because of the divorce and he was trying to cheer her up.
Her replies were just "ahhh thank you."

I was deeply deeply hurt by this, especially as I was so ill. He also said at the time he was under huge pressure from my illness.

We kind of let contact slide.
A month ago we were invited to her wedding. Because of what happened I didn't want to go but in the end we went.

At the end of the evening we went to say goodbye. Her and DH were hugging and she looked him in the eyes, stroked his face and said " are you happy?"
He kind of stood back opened his arms and said "Am I happy?" Kind of as if to say why are you saying that.

We have had huge arguments about this. My feeling was they were having some kind of emotional affair. He swears blind there was nothing to it. He says he thought her actions were strange but doesn't know why she did what she did and just put it down to her being drunk.

He said he would phone her in front of me if I wanted so that I could see nothing had gone on.
We kind of agreed to let it go. I do believe him that nothing sexual happened but I can't stop thinking about it.
Also I'm worried what to say if she contacts me?
Sometimes she just turns up at our house for a visit and I really don't know what I would say if she did.

Sorry for the length. I know I need to get over this but don't know how .

OP posts:
Original poster
MaisieDuke · 20/04/2018 21:35

I do here what you are saying.
But she was a friend to both of us. Not his friend.
I would never dream of doing that to someone in front of their partner.
It left me feeling very uneasy. My gut instinct is that there is more to it.
That is why I can't continue a friendship with her.
Especially if they have been confiding in each other.
I know it's difficult when someone has a mental illness. But, like I said he never emotionally supported me. Just did the practical things like cook and see to DC.
It just hurts.
But, I do have to move forward I know.
I think I will avoid her.

OP posts:
croprotationinthe13thcentury · 20/04/2018 21:43

“She was literally stroking his face and looking into his eyes.”

Surely that’s it, game over for you guys?

Gemini69 · 20/04/2018 22:01

I wouldn't contact her ever again.. sneaky sly underhanded witch.... it was an emotional affair.. whether he confirms or denies it... doesn't matter... you didn't imagine the Texts.. you didn't imagine her asking him at the Wedding.. if he was Happy... how fucking dare she... how would she feel if you asked Her Husband that same thing ? whilst stroking his face looking deeply into his eyes.. AYE RIGHT HEN.. caring friend my ARSE Hmm

Original poster
MaisieDuke · 20/04/2018 22:04

I don't know.
As I said I have had huge arguments with DH.
He has insisted that nothing has happened.
It was so surreal watching it.

OP posts:
Cleavergreene · 20/04/2018 22:13

Must a man confide his happiness to a man? Is this gender divide EA territory? Can a woman confide her unhappiness to a woman only? It’s a sad world if that’s the rules.

I personally think there’s more to an EA than this. I think there’s a romantic spark. Some form of hidden attraction. From what you’ve described OP, I see nothing more then friendship, albeit close.

I’ve gotta say, although I think you’re friend was a bit strange asking if your partner was happy in public, your response seems disproportionate. I dare say there’s more wrong with your marriage than this.

Good luck to you, I think you’ll need it.

Cleavergreene · 20/04/2018 22:22

Surely that’s it, game over for you guys?

I’ll caution you with taking this type of advice. Although I suspect you’ll ignore me.

There seems a disproportionately high number of ladies on MN which advocate separation as a solution to every marital issue. I suspect this is based on there own poor relationships and communication styles and also some form of vicarious entertainment.

Refilona · 20/04/2018 22:23

This won't help but to me, it feels like she was almost asking for his permission to "move on" and be happy, at her wedding. It does feel like they had an emotional affair where they complained about each other's partner and their own unhappiness and troubles in life. Then she moved on, got married, and on her wedding day she felt sorry for him and wanted to make sure he was okay too.
I would ask her directly. If she decides not to continue the friendship, brilliant, two birds with one stone.

NoMudNoLotus · 20/04/2018 22:30

This would have really upset me OP.

I dont want my DH having emotional connections to other women other than family.

Jon66 · 20/04/2018 22:32

It sounds as though you resent that you did not get the emotional support you needed when you were unwell. Things like that have a tendency to fester. Have you thought about having some relationship counselling to talk about how you feel and how better you could support each other? Both of you I mean.

BlondeB83 · 20/04/2018 22:39

This screams emotional affair to me and she is some weird version of a bunny boiler - who the hell does that to another bloke on their wedding day?!

BlondeB83 · 20/04/2018 22:40

I think Refilona makes a good point.

RainyApril · 20/04/2018 22:48

I also feel that their relationship has been inappropriate. It is obvious he has confided in her about feeling unhappy, which could possibly signal mere friendship if it wasn't coupled with the texts telling her she's beautiful.

They have either had an affair that ended (since she has married someone else) or he had a thing for her that was not reciprocated. Either way, I don't blame you for being upset about it op.

She was very brazen to do that to him on her wedding day, in front of you. She either orchestrated it to hurt you, or didn't care that you were there. In view of that I don't think you need to concern yourself with her feelings at all. Distance yourself and she will know why. If she turns up, tell her it made you very uncomfortable to witness her scene at the wedding, that you found it wholly inappropriate and that she is no longer welcome.

Original poster
MaisieDuke · 20/04/2018 22:51

Refilona
I think you have hit the nail on the head.

Also I don't think it's wrong having friends of the opposite sex and confiding in them.

But there was definitely something wrong with her/their behaviour.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do to be honest. He will never admit to anything.
I'm not sure if I can move on. But I do have two DC to think of.
To disrupt their lives over this sums wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaisieDuke · 20/04/2018 22:51

seems

Once again thank you for your replies

OP posts:
soulbrightsunshine · 20/04/2018 23:02

When I was pissed at my own wedding, which perhaps she was too - I am sure I was coming across as a lot more emotional / everything’s meaningful / telling everyone they are my best friend / touching their faces, putting arms round them that I love them in normal every day life...

soulbrightsunshine · 20/04/2018 23:02

*THAN IN normal every day life

Refilona · 20/04/2018 23:09

I would get rid of her. Her friendship is no longer valued/wanted by you so just go for it. I'd ring her and be 100% honest. Say you felt uncomfortable at her wedding, and that you want to know what it was about and would appreciate her honesty.
If she refuses to tell you, congratulate her again, say you are so thrilled that she is married and happy now, and surely way too busy to visit your house or contact your family from now on.

I also believe people can have friends of the opposite sex but I believe even more strongly in not being taken for a mug.

Havana7 · 20/04/2018 23:10

I would have to ask her what she meant by it.

ChickenMom · 21/04/2018 02:56

OP, trust your gut instinct. If I’d seen that, I’d go ballistic. It’s inappropriate and wrong. Don’t let it slide. Cut contact with her and sharp to make sure she doesn’t just turn up. You’ve been a good friend to her and she’s taking the mickey. Text her “I don’t want to continue being friends with you, please stay away from me and don’t contact me again” if she asks why tell her “flirting with my husband at your own wedding was pretty gross to be honest. I’m not interested in knowing you anymore” take my word for it that there is more to it and if you don’t cut it dead then you’ll be back here next year to say how he’s mucking around with her

maras2 · 21/04/2018 05:54

Do you know why her previous marriage broke down?
Could the husband have found out some signs of impropriety between them?

Original poster
MaisieDuke · 21/04/2018 08:25

maras2
No it definitely didn't break down because of them.
I'm glad of the support thank you. At least posters saying they would feel the same makes me feel better.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 21/04/2018 08:39

Don't ask your husband - men don't seem to 'get' emotional infidelity. ' I just needed some support, women are always leaning on each other and I just wanted someone to listen!' etc etc.
Ask her. Tell her how unsupportive he was to you when you were ill and ask if he was inappropriate. She must have been seeing her new husband whilst it was going on so I'd say it sounds like it came more from his side than hers, but he probably won't see it as an emotional affair, just 'seeking support'

I don't think it's her fault and I don't think she has behaved badly. HE, on the other hand...

TheMonkeyMummy · 21/04/2018 08:53

I don't get it.

She is both of your friends which means she can talk to either of you individually or as a couple. She clearly didn't meet your needs at a difficult time but equally she didn't turn her back on your family.

They texted, he said she was a beautiful person and she replied thank you. No encouragement, she just accepted a compliment. And friends can do that, can't they? You felt uncomfortable, you told him so, he apologized and it stopped.

At her wedding, when drunk, she touched his face and asked him if he was happy. I ask people if they are happy all the time (when sober). I am also a happy, tactile drunk.

Of course, anything can be twisted to fit a scenario, and I think you are looking for validation here (no judgement, I don't know you), but if it were me, I would have said to DH 'well that was awkward! What a pisshead.' Given him a 'hmmmmm' stare. And then moved on.

What's the point in turning it into something?

Original poster
MaisieDuke · 21/04/2018 09:25

TheMonkeyMummy
Thank you a valid point.
However, the wedding scene was uncomfortable.
I just can't be in her company anymore. I know he is just as bad but I can't leave my marriage over it.

OP posts:
GreenRut · 21/04/2018 11:06

I would do as a pp suggested. Next time she rocks up for a visit have her in and ask her to explain what was behind her display at her wedding. Very straight, don't answer the question for her. Just look her in the eye and ask her and let her answer. You've already decided to stay with your dh so no point going down the route of getting him to disclose anything anymore - he won't and you won't leave him anyway. But at least this way you might get an answer and in the very least you establish control in your own home. With any luck she won't be be back again after that.