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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Frustrated and feeling down

46 replies

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 09:40

So I may be overreacting a bit here but I’m feeling really frustrated and down. I’ve been with my partner on and off for the last year, we broke up just before Christmas for a few months then got back together in March this year, things have never been a fairytale romance and he’s never really showed me much affection but I’m used to that now.

The thing that is frustrating me is his attitude towards me, he seems to go out of his way for other people and buy little gifts for them like ice creams for his colleagues on warm days and he takes sweets and stuff in for them to boost morale which is nice and shows he cares for his work mates BUT he has never ever bought single thing for me without being prompted.

Anyway, I have tried to talk to him before about this but he just turns off then says I’m going on and nagging him about things. He has now said that I’ve been vocal in requesting stuff from him and sometimes its nice to get a surprise, thing is I never have had any surprise from him, he hadn’t even bothered to get me anything for Christmas not even a card and I’ve only ever asked him to get me some flowers on his way to mine at Easter.

I’ve explained even the tiniest thing like picking me a flower as I don’t want him spending a load of money on me but I would appreciate it if he took the time to think about me like he seems to about others. I don’t know if I’m over reacting or just being really sensitive but it is really hurting me now and I don’t want to say anything else to him as he seems to think I pick at things every time we’re together but he just doesn’t listen to me and I feel like I’m going over the same thing with him all the time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Dissimilitude · 20/04/2018 09:58

A bad dynamic has been established where you now request specific acts of affection, and he resents you for demanding affection and digs his heels in.

Advice - stop asking him for this stuff. If, after a suitable period of calm, he doesn't spontaneously begin to meet your needs, it's not going to work, so end it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/04/2018 10:00

This relationship has been on/off for good reason; its not working.
Why are you at all together now?. Habit?. How is it that you value yourself so poorly?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

What is in this relationship for you now; why have you been seemingly content to date to come a very dim and distant last in his life?. He being nice to other people really does not count for anything really because you are seeing what he is really like. He is not going to change.

LiteraryDevil · 20/04/2018 10:09

He sounds like my ex husband. Everyone came before me and the children. Note he's an ex. Your boyfriend is clearly telling you by his actions how much he values you ie not at all. This clearly is t working and never really has done. End it before you get more invested and more hurt.

Original poster

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 11:09

I've tried to not say anything but it went on for so long I had to say something to him, it came to a head this morning when he text me a photo of ice lollies he'd bought on his way to work for his colleagues this morning, it really hurt me and it obviously was beyond him why I was so annoyed about it and then started an argument which was the last thing we both needed.

Its been on off due to me wanting more than he was willing to give then him promising the world and me being stupid enough to believe him. And I have been far from content to be a seemingly last in his life, I also have other priorities in my life but that doesn't stop me giving him affection and thinking about him when I'm not with him.

OP posts:

IsDaveThere · 20/04/2018 11:18

You weren't together at Christmas, why would he buy you a present (or even send a card)?

I think you are thinking about this far too much but if it upsets you, end t he relationship because I doubt he will change into the person you want him to be.

Storm4star · 20/04/2018 11:18

So from what your saying, you’ve tried to talk to him about this before and yet he still sent you that photo this morning?? At best he’s totally clueless and insensitive, at worst he’s sent you that photo to provoke a reaction and then blame you for “over reacting”. Which would be a classic emotional abuse technique.

Honestly, he’s not going to change and you deserve better.

Original poster

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 11:25

We broke up 3 days before Christmas, I was expecting a card as there normally sent out a few weeks before and I also expected him to have bough a present by then too, I had bought him his and still gave him them too.

I think he is totally clueless and really didn't think when he sent the photo, I've discovered that his mind works completely differently to most other peoples unless he is doing it for a reaction knowing it would hurt me but Im really unsure about that.

I just know that when I'm out and about without him and I see something I think he might like I'll get it for him, he has had a chest infection recently so I went out and got him a load of things to help him and I dropped them off for him yet when I had cold he refused to come over to see me as he didn't want to catch it.

OP posts:

Storm4star · 20/04/2018 11:34

Ultimately he’s not fulfilling your needs, not even close by the sounds of it. Whatever his thoughts when he sent the photo, it’s hurt you. To stay in a relationship where your partner is indifferent to you is bad enough, but if your going to feel hurt by him then it really isn’t worth it (irrespective of whether he means to or not). You already split once and seen no improvement. I honestly think you shouldn’t waste any more time and emotions on this man.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/04/2018 11:40

How old are you OP?
Because most women out there wouldn't put with a non-relationship where the other person doesn't even show affection.
This is the honeymoon period and should be all hearts and flowers and it's not.
If you want to feel like this for the next 10-20 years then carry on.
But you should really be glad you found out who he is so early on and cut and run.
You deserve better and there is better out there.
Go get it. Throw this one back for someone else.

Original poster

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 11:48

You're not the first person to say the same thing about the honeymoon period, I've never had that from him to be totally honest. I'm 40 so old enough to know better and not need this hassle too. I just feel like we've got such a connection in other ways, but his lack of affection is just overshadowing that. He was in on off relationships for 8 years before he met me and has told me from day 1 he is crap at relationships but it seems hes not willing to learn how to have one or even show any interest in what I say or like etc. I think I went back as I was very lonely and on the verge of full on depression being on my own but I don't feel any better now so its not worth it really is it?

OP posts:

runrunasfastas · 20/04/2018 11:50

I mean, i get it, some men don't do the lovey dovey stuff, my OH doesn't but i wouldn't ever ASK for him to do so, he does the usual, birthdays, xmas, but anything else just doesn't happen, i think i got flowers from him when our first son was due 6 years ago :)
The thing is it's just not the way he is and i respect that but if that's what you need then this guy isn't for you, you need to be compatible with someone and it sounds like those things make you feel valued, which would also suggest he's not making you feel valued in other aspects of the relationship.
I agree it does sound like he's not the one for you sadly

LiteraryDevil · 20/04/2018 11:51

Having recently come out of an abusive relationship, no, it's not worth it.

Original poster

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 11:58

I understand some men are just not into the lovey dovey stuff but he was different before we got together, it just seems selfish to me after I've done so much for him and tried to help anywhere I can and I get nothing in return, no support at all as he's too busy telling me all about his day and ranting about the crap he's had to put up with at work. He has no children but I have a daughter who is 12 so maybe its the mum in me nurturing and caring. I just don't know, I try to talk to him but it seems I'm wareing him down and he keeps complaining to me about that too.

OP posts:

LiteraryDevil · 20/04/2018 12:04

Yep, just like my ex. Get rid before he brings you down too.

TiredMummy18 · 20/04/2018 12:25

It sounds as though he’s never going to be the partner you want him to be. Stop wasting your time and find someone who values you as a person and a partner.

TheFifthKey · 20/04/2018 12:32

It doesn't sound like it's working at all for you. Why keep flogging this dead horse? I've been with my BF for a similar time and the honeymoon period is alive and well - he's not much of a present buyer but does go out of his way to make my life easier and do nice things - not grand romantic gestures but stuff that makes me feel appreciated and takes the weight off my shoulders sometimes. Lots of affection too and we can't wait to see each other when we've been apart even during the working day. It's lovely and makes me realise that relationships don't necessarily needs loads of effort. It comes naturally when you care for the other person and value them.

Original poster

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 12:33

I really thought I'd found the one this time, its so hard to meet new people as I work full time and have my daughter most nights and alternate weekends and I think this is the reason I went back to him, settling for something I don't want :(

OP posts:

Original poster

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 13:49

@TheFifthKey - it sounds like you have exactly what I want. A relationship that doesn't need to be worked at with no stress.

I met up with him at lunch time and we had a nice sit in the sun and a chat and he's said to let things happen instead of always expecting things to happen then ending up disappointed so that pretty much tells me he's not going to make the effort to stop me being disappointed.

OP posts:

LiteraryDevil · 20/04/2018 13:52

He's making excuses for his bad behaviour ahead of it happening so he can turn round and told you he told you that he was like this and therefore you're the one who's unreasonable. Classic head fuck behaviour from an emotion retard. You and your daughter deserve so much better.

TheFifthKey · 20/04/2018 14:17

Summer - honestly it can happen. I work full time and have my DC all the time (exDH lives abroad so only has contact during school holidays and I live far from family). I know it's corny but it feels like we were fated to meet! We just happened to be in the right place at the right time - a week either way could easily have scuppered it all.

TheFifthKey · 20/04/2018 14:20

Also - I'd been dating a bit before I met my now-BF and had one of those very unsatisfactory sort-of relationships where it was good at points but never lived up to what I wanted. I felt frustrated and annoyed a lot of the time and then I realised he just wasn't that into me! Liked being with me when we were together, sure, fancied me, but didn't really care about me enough to make me any sort of priority. The difference between that and my current relationship is like night and day.

PrizeOik · 20/04/2018 14:26

He clearly isn't going to do what you want him to do.

Please stop "having chats" /trying to talk him into being a different person. I appreciate you are frustrated and so on, but you really can't talk someone into thinking about you / caring about you. He either does or he doesn't. Talking won't change things.

I think you need to pull back the victimhood a little bit and start being realistic. Why are you with him? Because you want companionship and can't be arsed to try to meet a new guy (fair tbh! It's tough out there). So - what does he bring to your life? Not what should he bring, or what does he bring when you have to cajole it out of him - be honest with yourself. List it all out and then assess whether he's worth your time.

Then make a decision and stick with it. Either stay with him and accept him as he is, or move on. Third option: stay with him and wish he was someone else, and be miserable.

Original poster

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 14:43

@literarydevil - yeah you're right, it is an excuse before it happens.

@thefifthkey - The certainly sounds like fate to me, they say theres someone out there for all of us, I'm just waiting to find mine I guess :) It really does sound like the other relationship you had was very similar to mine, we both fancy eachother and look forward to seeing eachother, we're in contact a lot and seem to have a distressed effect on eachother when we need to vent but that's where it ends really.

@prizeoik - I was on dating sites, had a lot of really bad dates and a few where there was nothing there but we have stayed friends so its got nothing to do with not being arsed and all to do with not having the time to really meet new guys due to work and childcare. He does care he just refuses to show it. Before we got back together he was very attentive to me and remembered certain things where he would text me and say 'oh remember this' or wishing me luck etc but it seems I as he now has me back he doesn't feel the need to make an effort anymore. I have actually started a list of pros and cons which I'm finding really difficult to fill in as I need to be 100% honest with myself.

OP posts:

PrizeOik · 20/04/2018 14:48

I really meant "not being arsed" as shorthand for "there are many obstacles standing in my way" - I get it - I OLD with DC as well. It can be awful and soul destroying.

The fact that he can behave in a kind way when he's trying to win you back over, doesn't mean he actually cares that much, sorry. You've just spent the thread explaining how he's super thoughtful to other folk and not to you. Sorry but that means you aren't that important to him.

I agree that being fully honest is important when it comes to the list you're making.

I don't mean any of my.posts unkindly. I just think you're going to make yourself miserable trying to explain to yourself why he acts as he does etc and trying to get him to be a different person... Folk don't change.

FluffyPersian · 20/04/2018 14:54

I had this with one of my exes. He'd be able to do loads of stuff for others as he liked being thought of as 'The good guy' and 'So thoughtful', however he'd never do anything like that for me.

You're damned either way.

You don't mention anything to him = He never makes any effort.
You mention it to him, he says you're nagging and then says he couldn't possibly do anything now as you'll expect it / he wanted to surprise you = He never makes any effort.

Bottom line - his actions are saying to you he can't be arsed.

So, either accept you'll never get any kind actions or thoughtful gestures from him.... or, realise you're worth a lot more and that if he can do it for others, he could do it for you and he's CHOOSING not to..... and leave him.

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