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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Frustrated and feeling down

46 replies

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 09:40

So I may be overreacting a bit here but I’m feeling really frustrated and down. I’ve been with my partner on and off for the last year, we broke up just before Christmas for a few months then got back together in March this year, things have never been a fairytale romance and he’s never really showed me much affection but I’m used to that now.

The thing that is frustrating me is his attitude towards me, he seems to go out of his way for other people and buy little gifts for them like ice creams for his colleagues on warm days and he takes sweets and stuff in for them to boost morale which is nice and shows he cares for his work mates BUT he has never ever bought single thing for me without being prompted.

Anyway, I have tried to talk to him before about this but he just turns off then says I’m going on and nagging him about things. He has now said that I’ve been vocal in requesting stuff from him and sometimes its nice to get a surprise, thing is I never have had any surprise from him, he hadn’t even bothered to get me anything for Christmas not even a card and I’ve only ever asked him to get me some flowers on his way to mine at Easter.

I’ve explained even the tiniest thing like picking me a flower as I don’t want him spending a load of money on me but I would appreciate it if he took the time to think about me like he seems to about others. I don’t know if I’m over reacting or just being really sensitive but it is really hurting me now and I don’t want to say anything else to him as he seems to think I pick at things every time we’re together but he just doesn’t listen to me and I feel like I’m going over the same thing with him all the time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Original poster

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 15:01

@prizeoik - I find myself getting all defensive about him when I know I shouldn't - he's pretty much dragged me down to the point where I make excuses to be with him, like the lunchtime meet up today (we do work at the same site just different buildings). You're a million percent right, folk don't change at all, I should have had that in my mind when I went back to him knowing things would change as soon as I did.

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Original poster

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 15:04

@fluffy - yeah you're right, he's never going to make any kind of effort as he's never had to, I think he has had everything done for him in the past too (booking holidays and buying presents) so he's not likely to start now as he has nothing to gain from it. I called him selfish the other day and he said I was delusional and he said he was far from selfish, only to me then. I know I need to leave now, I just need things to be settles before I do that (Other things going on at home and work).

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MinaPaws · 20/04/2018 15:10

I wouldn't want such an emotionally ungiving relationship. But, you say you felt lonely and depressed, and you have other thinsg in common. If he's a nice person in the work place but cold to you, that's not a good sign.

But if you feel like giving him a chance, try changing how you react to him. Stop asking for anything, and next time he does something nice for other people, smile and say, 'what a lovely hting to do. Bet they appreciated it.' If he likes that sort of response he might start surprising you too.

have you read about the different languages of love? Some people see gifts as a key sign of love. If you're with someone who doesn't, you need to find out what they think signs of love are, and start spotting if they are giving you those.

Original poster

summersun0191 · 20/04/2018 15:42

@mina - thanks for the advice, I think he finds it difficult to love or have emotions towards anything not only in relationships. He likes to put a label on things and make a joke out of it then move on but I know its eating him up as he will then mention it again in a few week time. I asked him if he ever thought he could love me and he said if I let him - that was his get out of jail card to not have to commit I think.

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LiteraryDevil · 20/04/2018 17:50

He sounds very immature. And a complete waste of your time.

hollybatgirl · 21/04/2018 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 21/04/2018 16:27

He is selfish. And uncaring, because he just shut you down with "you're delusional" instead of listening.

The fact he behaved better when he wanted you back makes it worse: he can do it, he'll just only do it for his benefit! Again, selfish and uncaring.

You say you don't want to split up because there's other stuff going on in your life. How about just not putting any effort in and letting things slide?

Original poster

summersun0191 · 21/04/2018 17:30

That's a fair point about not putting any effort in and letting things slide but I'm on the verge of walking away right now to be honest. I found out today he's lied to me about something so stupid, I asked why and he said cos he didn't want it to start an argument so I'm now wondering what else he's lied about. I also asked if he was going to apologise to me and he asked why, I was too shocked to speak.

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CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/04/2018 09:54

Sounds like walking away would be an excellent idea. It will probably make the other stuff easier to deal with, without this crap filling your headspace.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/04/2018 09:59

By the way, I'm 41 and experiencing the honeymoon period for the first time in my life. I'd been happily single for 5 years before that, and I would've stayed single longer if I hadn't met this man who I think is amazing.

daisychain01 · 22/04/2018 10:10

If you're on the verge of walking away, OP, I would do it. No time like the present

he doesn't value you
he deliberately bestows gifts and favours on others and puts you to the bottom of his priority list
he doesn't respond to any of your signals and messages about hat your needs are.

Leave him to some other "lucky" mug who's prepared to put up with his arrrogance.

Tell him you prefer to stay happily single rather than having to make yourself miserable by compromising on what you need. Be prepared for him to shower you with lies and promises. Just tell him too little too late, you are the weakest link Goodbye. Enjoy the moment!!

Original poster

summersun0191 · 23/04/2018 07:01

I was at his yesterday and was about to end it when he made a sarcastic comment which hurt so I walked out, got in my car and drove home and I've not replied to his messages. Have to admit I cried my heart out when I got home and it's taking all my strength not to reply to him. I'm a strong independent woman (Yeah right) and I can't go back there.

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NewStartNow · 23/04/2018 07:14

I think it's for the best. Onwards and upwards. Hope you feel better soon xx

LiteraryDevil · 23/04/2018 07:17

You are strong and independent. You survived without him before and you'll do it again. He really isn't worth your time. Finish with him. Leave him in no doubt as to it being over then block and delete. You can't carry on like this.

Ryder63 · 23/04/2018 07:31

Well done for leaving, OP! you deserve much better than this. You'll find someone more suitable when you're ready. Don't allow this selfish man to block that! keep away!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/04/2018 08:28

Don't go back now. Block his number so he can't lure you back in with yet more broken promises.

It's not shallow to want gifts and stuff. Spending money and being thoughtful are both signs of affection. People who withhold either of these from their partners are usually just not that fussed. Or criminally tight-fisted, which is just not an attractive quality.

Turn your phone off tonight and read The Rules and/or Why Men Love Bitches. Both empowering!

Walkacrossthesand · 23/04/2018 08:37

I know it's hard, summer, but stick with it. There's a '30 days no contact' thread running on here - people supporting each other in resisting the urge to message. it's up to no 11 already, haven't checked to see if you're already over there.

lovemylover · 23/04/2018 08:58

I know one like this, everyone thinks he is such a lovely man, will do anything for anyone, he tells people what a generous person he is and ,a lot of self praise, the reality is different

Original poster

summersun0191 · 23/04/2018 09:52

Thank you to you all, I really really appreciate the support. I've got my phone switched off and I'm hoping to get him out of my mind/life forever :)

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CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 26/04/2018 20:20

How's it going, OP? Have you had any contact with him or have you made a clean break?

Original poster

summersun0191 · 27/04/2018 09:12

He's been in touch, he's totally oblivious and is acting like everything is ok, I've not seen him though. I've told him I cant carry on like this and he's done nothing about it at all apart from carry on like nothing is wrong. So, I need to see him face to face to tell him its over for good but I'm waiting until my daughter is with her dad so she's not involved at all and I also need my things back from him too so I'm hoping for it all to be over soon so I can move on.

Thanks for your concern, I'll get there eventually :)

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