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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get past liking a friend as more than a friend?

34 replies

notenoughbottletonight · 19/04/2018 20:30

I've posted on here before about this. Had a FWB situation with a bloke. Ended up wanting a relationship with him but he won't cause I've got kids. He doesn't want any. He is genuinely a good friend, has supported me through times when I've needed him etc. So we're going on a long haul holiday next week together. He started seeing another woman about a month ago and it seems to be getting serious, despite the fact we slept together two weeks ago 🙄 How do I move on to seeing him as just any friend? I'm struggling as I do love him but know it'll never be. Has anyone who's been in this situation offer any advice?

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/04/2018 20:32

He’s not your friend: he’s an ex you wanted a relationship with and who rejected you. going away together is a shit plan: if you can’t get money back for cancelling do stuff separately.

Spend time with your actual friends who you don’t have feelings for.

Did he even start off as your friend?!

jkl0311 · 19/04/2018 21:29

What are the sleeping arrangements of this holiday?!

Original poster
notenoughbottletonight · 19/04/2018 22:54

We're sharing a bed. We booked it before he started seeing this woman though. No I suppose we weren't really friends to start with. We were both after an 'arrangement' as such and it went from there.

OP posts:
Thisisanewbeginning · 19/04/2018 23:30

Stop having sex with him. Immediately. A fwb is a friend first. He isn’t, he is a hook up.

MyOtherProfile · 19/04/2018 23:35

Wow does his new woman know he is sharing a bed wirh you on holiday?

Original poster
notenoughbottletonight · 20/04/2018 00:01

We haven't had sex for nearly two weeks and were both drunk at the time 😬 I'm not sure she knows that no...

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 20/04/2018 06:50

You're not going to get over him while you're sleeping with him so stop doing that. This holiday is a bad idea but I imagine it's expensive so I can see you might not want to give it up but at least look into changing the sleeping arrangements and try to do stuff on your own so you're not with him so much and once you get back I'd recommend not seeing him so much, or at all ideally.

SoapOnARoap · 20/04/2018 06:54

You’re setting yourself up to fail. No friend would do that to you. You’re not a FWB, you’re a cumdump.

I wouldn’t go on the holiday

CaoNiMa · 20/04/2018 07:08

Well, I certainly wouldn't be going on holiday with him...

ScreamingValenta · 20/04/2018 07:10

I bet his new girlfriend is thrilled to hear he's going on holiday with his ex and will be sharing a bed with her Confused.

Dan1983 · 20/04/2018 07:10

You cannot be friends with someone you have feelings or want more from.

Hard NC usually works in this case. Best in the long run if it will never be more than friendship and it will hurt you.

lynmilne65 · 20/04/2018 07:12

Oh no no terrible idea, you'll end up getting hurt 🙁

BedtimeTea · 20/04/2018 07:14

I wouldn't go on the holiday with him. You are just going to be hurt in the end.

Socratease · 20/04/2018 07:33

It’s quite easy. You don’t shag, kiss, cuddle or go on holidays together anymore. You find new non-romantic activities to do l, not with him, until you’re over it, and then you only get romantically involved with people who can follow through knowing that you have kids. Prevention is better than cure.

And you don’t love him. It’s something else that you feel strongly, but not love. Promise.

Original poster
notenoughbottletonight · 20/04/2018 07:46

Thanks for everyone's replies. To be fair he did make it clear from the start that we'd never be more than friends. A few night ago though he was sending me parts of a certain song about breaking hearts and said 'I'm an idiot'. Don't know if that was him apologising... He knows how I feel about him. I have slept with quite a few other people since we met too tho, given it wasn't s relationship, so I'm wondering if that's out him off but he's not said. After all I suppose it's hardly attractive but is my go to unfortunately to try and make me feel better. We fly in two days...

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 20/04/2018 07:54

You'd be mad to go if you don't want a broken heart. You will spend the holiday doing coupley things and sleeping with him then come back to watch him walk off with the poor other woman who presumably so have no idea he's been off shagging someone else. Don't go.

Pannacott · 20/04/2018 08:50

Oh dear. A lot of people find it very emotionally gratifying to have someone around them who adores them and wants to be with them, but whom they can't quite bring themselves to commit to. It's quite the ego boost. And it is using you.

I'd suggest you need to make a strong commitment to your self respect and not make yourself emotionally, or probably sexually, available to him. This is really not good for your self esteem. I'd still go on the holiday though, if I felt able to commit to protecting myself in that way.

Isetan · 20/04/2018 10:42

Oh ffs OP, he was never a friend he is at best a hookup masquerading as a friend. Why would he change his cake and eat it behaviour, especially since you insist on handing him a bloody napkin!

You not knowing what to do (the advice was pretty unanimous on your last thread) isn’t the problem, you know what to do, the problem is you don’t want to do it.

Listen to Dua Lipa’s new rules and move the fuck on.

Pinkvoid · 20/04/2018 11:09

As PP’s have said, he was never a friend. You were simply a hook up to him and probably vice versa considering you slept with others at the same time. It was never a friendship nor was it ever going to lead anywhere.

The holiday is a terrible idea. You need to look into booking a separate room and staying away from him as much as possible while there. His new girlfriend must be absolutely thrilled he is going on holiday and sharing a bed with his ‘booty call’...

Dozer · 20/04/2018 13:50

Very masochistic behaviour to go on holiday with someone who you want to be in a relationship with and this isn’t reciprocated.

Why are you settling for so little?

Adora10 · 20/04/2018 14:01

God almighty could you be any more desperate - why on earth are you going on holiday with a guy that treats you like utter shit; you clearly don't give a stuff about his partner either, you both sound as bad as each other, he's using you OP for a shag, he doesn't want anything else form you, is that not clear enough to you what he thinks of you, you're a free shag, that's it, Jesus, he is not your friend either!

But you carry on opening your legs for him and risking your own sexual health as well as that of the innocent woman in all this.

Going on holiday is stupid but then you'd probably jump a cliff if he asked you.

Sorry to be brutal but honestly, wise up.

Adora10 · 20/04/2018 14:03

We're sharing a bed

Does his partner know this, he sounds a right catch (not).

Dozer · 20/04/2018 14:24

Why haven’t you looked into cancelling the holiday, or at least changing accommodation?

If you go, and shag the whole time, he’s still not going to suddenly want to be in a relationship with you, and you’ll probably feel even more shit.

Do yourself a favour, if you really must still go, for financial reasons, tell him you no longer wish to spend any time with him while away and end the relationship/contact.

Hereward1332 · 20/04/2018 14:38

So he has been seeing his current CF for 4 weeks. 2 weeks ago you slept with him. You are going on holiday with him where you also sleep with him.

You are not respecting yourself, or showing him that you command respect. It sounds as though you are still trying to read an unspoken desire to commit into his actions. Realistically if it was there it would have happened by now. You need to show him you are not his sexual fall back but a person in your own right.

How do you get past rejection - frankly by showing him he has rejected something amazing. Don't sleep with him, see if you can book another room for the holiday and be the attractive, wonderful person other people see.

meowimacat · 20/04/2018 14:42

Wow he really gets the best of both worlds doesn't he? He's with a new woman who he actually likes, but he gets to have you when he feels like it too. Of course he's going to want sex on holiday, and of course you're going to cave in and give it to him.
He doesn't and will NEVER commit to you. He likes having you around for an ego boost. I just left a man like this, and funnily enough he also had a female 'best friend' who he said he'd never had anything with. As if I believe that. Wouldn't surprise me if you were her. Luckily I dumped his ass and have gone NC, because I couldn't put up with being a pathetic fallback option.

Find some self worth and move on. No matter what he says, he doesn't see you as a friend. He is using you and will always use you to make himself feel better.

Enjoy the holiday, you're clearly going to go. You'll sleep together. He'll come back to the woman he's lying to and you'll be back to where you are right now....nowhere.

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