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[Mumto2nearly]

Sorry, this is going to be long! I have been a "lurker" on MN for some time now and have enjoyed the discussions and gained valuable advice and information but it is not until now that I have needed personalised advise from you all. I hope that is ok.
A little background....
I have been married approx 4 years and have a gorgeous 2 year old girl and I am expecting my second baby in approx 4 weeks. Between my DD and my soon to be DS I had 2 relatively late miscarriages, at 11 and 12 weeks (the second a day after a perfectly healthy scan picture). I work pretty much full time and my husband works away from Monday to Friday almost always.Until last night, I thought I had an exceptionally happy marriage. You have probably guessed that this is where the need for advice kicks in!
Last week, I was sat with my husband when he was on his works messaging service (allows staff to communicate between offices on a real time basis)and there was a message from a girl, lets call her Sarah, which said something along the lines of "yippee, you are back and talking to me". I commented that this seemed a little odd and my DH said she was being sarcastic. I though nothing more of it. Then last night, he turned over in bed and put his arm round me and said "I love you, Sarah". Well, I leaped out of the bed (not easy at 8 1/2 months pregnant as I am sure you will all appreciate!) and said what did you say and he said it again (he had, had a few drinks). At this point I got out of bed in a blind panic and grabbed his mobile to see what was on there.
Well, there were some awful, depraved pornographic video clips and lots of pictures of womens breasts/bums and some more pornographic type images. DH then woke up and came in and said they were sent by 2 of his male friends and indeed upon watching one of them again I could see that there was indeed a man in one of the videos that wasn't my husband.
Being furious by this point, I demanded he get his work laptop because I wanted to check his email. Upon opening his emails, I found lots of emails between him and Sarah. They started with "getting to know you" questionnaires, family pet, favourite colour that sort of nonsense. But they progressed to one from her regarding sexual conquests, favourite positions etc etc. There were also work emails where they were both clearly trying to get on the same jobs - where they would both clearly have to stay in the same hotels.
My husband has acknowledged that the emails are not entirely appropriate and he can understand why I am upset and tbh he is being lovely. The emails were also not at a pornographic level like the pictures on his phone so I believe that they are not from Sarah. However, I have this awful sinking feeling like I am in a bad episode of Trisha where I am being the completely stupid and naive wife believing all he says.
I don't know what to do and I feel like my entire world is crumbling around me. I would completely acknowledge that being pregnant after 2 miscarriages hasn't made me the most attentive wife but I thought he understood that. I feel like I don't know the man I am married to, my loving husband has turned into a depraved and dishonest man that I don't recognise in the space of a few hours.
I have considered contacting Sarah to get her side of the story (I have her work email and her mobile phone number). I have considered walking out and never coming back but I love him and can't begin to imagine my life, or my children's lives without him. Can anyone offer any advice as to how to deal with this?

tbh i owuld ring her and ask her for an honest explanation. She may not even know you exist never mind you are about to give birth. Even if nothing has happened the fact he said that in bed would make me concerned that he didn't see this as a platonic friendship.

MTN2 (((hugs))) I can understand how you feel. You want to believe it's nothing serious and for it all to go away but you are too wise to be able to.

Bloody men. Their ability to compartmentalise is astounding.. and no doubt gets them into things they may not have initially intended. This is No Excuse though.

I have no idea if this is the right advice but I would just ring her. Not email.. that way she would have chance to contact him before repsonding, or chose not to respond at all. Or could you text her from his phone, so she thinks its him.. then you can see how she responds..

And have you asked him why the hell he would be saying "I love you Sarah.." to someone who he has done nothing more than exchange a few not-entirely-appropriate emails with?

Agree Shiny not sure him saying the e mails are innapropriate is enough of an explanation tbh

It may be harmless and he enjoys her company and is enjoying a bit of attention given that you two have been through a lot lately (not that it's any excuse - far from it!).

If it is innocent then you finding out now could be just the kick up the arse he needs to focus on you and your children and stop acting like a child himself! I hope that's the case.

The two things I would say is firstly, trust your instincts.
Secondly, think through what you will do if you decide to ring 'Sarah' and find out the truth. If it's innocent then fine. If it's not then be prepared that she may lie to you anyway. Or if she does come clean, you need to know what you are going to do. If he has been having an affair will you just leave (which will be very difficult at this time)? Will you be able to forgive? Or would you be better off not knowing and trusting dh to use this wake up call to do the right thing?

Awful situation for you. Horrendous. I would have always said I wanted the full truth no matter what. I'm not sure that's the right thing anymore though. It depends on what you will do with the information you get.
(If you'll forgive no matter what, perhaps its' better to just know the bare minimum. If you would leave if he's had an affair, then you need to know it all.)

Thinking of you xx

OH goodness! You poor thing!

I would HAVE to know why he said Sarah in bed.

Phone her.

You have had a rough ride recently and about to give birth wont help. You need to sit down and make him tell you what on earth is going on.

If you believe him and want to carry on then you need to work on being attentive to him as well because it sounds like he needs some TLC (not that I am condoning what he has done!)

Oh I really feel for you. What a horrible thing to go through.
I personally would ring her and warn her off. I know that sounds a bit aggresive and I don't really mean it like that but tbh your husband is out of bounds. Jokey emails or full blown affair. You are expecting your second child any day now and he is behaving totally inappropriately.
I think Shinyhappypeopleholdinghands comment is true about men compartmentalising-he proabaly hasn't even given much thought to how you would feel if you discovered this little flirtation.
Good luck (((((hugs)))))

I would say he is having an emotional affair with this woman. It may not have progressed any further but it is still a huge betrayal of your trust.

TBH his first instict is probably going to be to lie to you in a damage limitiation exercise, plus to "protect" you. So be prepared (if you can be prepared for something like this) for further revelations.

Also, don't do anything rash. Ask him for the full details, check his mobile bills etc for verification. Be prepared for an awful few weeks/months while you get it all straight in your mind and work out how to deal with it all. Or you could call her now and cut all that out, get the truth right now.

Can I also suggest couples relationship counselling (privately, immediately if you can afford it, relate can take ages). You need to find out why he has been doing this.

Where are you?

Hi honey so sorry you are having to deal with this especially at this time which should be full of excitement and looking forward.

At the very least your dh is very much playing with fire! he has emotionally overstepped the mark- which inmy book is a betrayal- if he's sharing with her things that really belong to you- he's having an emotional affair.
My dh did have an affair 3 years ago- now we are still together and went through hell at the time-you must understand THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT- he's making the choices he's living in fantasy land- and that's what any affair is it is escapism- not necessarily from you- escapism from something happening within himself.
My dh can't now believe he did what he did , he tried to explain the process in his mind to me...he bacame frienndly with a work colleague and lurking at the back of his mind was the " take care don't want an affair" he said to himslef "not going there" "but I will..go for a coffee with her...not going there but I will...exchange emails...not going there...but I willl swap phone numbers etc etc " see where it's goign- until finally that final step over the line is just a little step and too late he's arrived where he said he wasn't going!!

He says now how he cringes when he hears workmates "flirting" as he knows so easily how you get swept up in the fantasy and put the lid on reality- inhis mind me and the children had nothing to do with this fantasy world he kept dabbling in.

It sounds to me as if your dh is on that road and is playing with fire. I would say IF you are strong enough make reality hit hard, don't tiptoe round the issues say it like it is. Say it to her too- I did- it's 1 thing knowing he has a wife and kids somewhere in the background- it's quite another when the wife is sat infront of you being civil but very clear about what's going on. Fantasy is what he's after at the moment- he needs a reality check and to realise what he may lose if he's not careful. Try a bit of counselling together- it helped us. Don't despairthough- I'm absolutely convinced lots of men go though some sort of inner crisis at some time in their lives- touble is "she was there at the right time with the right smile"- "don't let her steal his heart away you have that keep it fight for it!

Maturer, you are so wise. And kind for persistantly sharing your hard-earned wisdom.

(And that was a bit gushy for me!)

Ta very much shp!
I just get so cross at men and their complete stupidity- why can't they see what's right under their nose and appreciate it with all their energy.
I also so want to stop anyone else going though thee pain I went through if at all possible.
There are so many strong lovely mums out there and so many stupid men!!!!!!!!
I amde my dh laugh today he offered me a chocolate digetsive and I said " no thanks they always seems so nice and tasty but when you have one they are a disappointment" he said...." just like men then!" he's learning!

I so agree with you about men. Yours seems to have "evolved".. which is great. And hope-inspiring.

i agree with the others re couple councilling - best to sort things out now rather than hope it goes away.

i would also contact this woman 'sarah', i would be quite firm with her and say that you have found the email & how disgusted you were with her for sending it to a married man who is about to become a dad to another baby soon and if she tries to pull another stunt like this you will come down on her like a ton of bricks. i would not mention speaking to her to dh.

have you asked him how he replied to this email?

I am going to be the odd one out and say not to ring her under any circumstances. A) what would it really achieve? The issue is with your husband, not her. If he's going to do whatever it is he's doing, he could just find another person. B) It could really really backfire. If you back her in a corner she may well tell people in the office about this guy's "crazy wife" who rang her up when "nothing's even going on" whether it's true or not. You could well be portrayed as hormonal and off your rocker - not that you are EITHER but she doesn't sound like the nicest person in the world to say the least, and I would have some concern about what she could do. Go to couples counseling and see if there's any way you could encourage your husband to change his working practices in terms of where he goes for projects. I realise this may be easier said than done but my SIL works for a big consultancy firm and it IS possible I would say in most cases to try to sort this out. After all, you will need the support with a new baby.

I love this website! The advice is always thought out and balanced. Thank you all so much.

We spent most of the daytalking yesterday and my DH is clearly very sorry, he realises that he overstepped the mark and I regard it as a complete betrayal. He also knows he has got to go a long way to regain my trust.

I still really don't know what to do about contacting Sarah. Part of me wants her to feel as shi**y as possible (she is married too apparently) but a bigger part of me thinks that she's not the one I am married to and have built a life with.

My DH said he didn't respond to the very inappropriate email she sent about sexual positions/conquests etc but at the moment his word doesn't mean that much as I am sure you can imagine.

I have asked him to send her an email (bccing me) saying that I have seen the inappropriate content of the emails and it has made him realise how off limits he is and how their "relationship" has got to become professional again. He has promised to forward her relpy. My concern is his IT skills are much better than mine and he could edit it. If I'm not happy with this then at least I could still contact her

What a mess

it sounds to me like you're both handling this the right way, he is making it clear to his colleague that he doesn't think her email is appropriate. On a professional level - does he really need to send her emails that are not work related?

He has no reason whatsoever to send her emails that aren't work related.

I have just seen the email he sent which completely hit the right note but her response was not so good.

She says she can't say it meant nothing to her, it will be a shame to stop as it was "fun" getting to know him. She knows it couldn't have gone further because of "both their situations" but if he wants to stop emailing her she will understand.

I feel so angry towards this woman. Is now the time for me to step in or should I let DH deal with it?

Why are there women in the world that would do this to another woman? Especially a very pregnant one who isn't at her best to fight back. Indeed, I don't feel I should have to fight for my DH, if he wants to keep me and our children I feel he should be fighting for me

What a bitch!

I'd have to say something to her if it were me. That road they were going down would have only led to one thing - misery and heartache for all involved. I'd want to make it clear how out of order she is.

And yes you're completely right, it should be your dh fighting for you. Why can't these men bloody realise that!

She sounds like a nutter. I know that it may be really tempting to let off steam by having a go at her, but I would really stay out of it, although in touch with what your DH is doing. It sounds like he made the right first move. Her reaction is pretty scary though. Steer clear of her - it's only worth speaking to someone if you think you can have a "sensible" discussion with them, but with her i don't think it will have the impact you hope.

think Genidef is right. your dh does sound like he's dealing with it.

but my irrational side says women like this need to be put in their place!! but ignore me - i'm in a bad mood today anyway!

!!
Does this 'Sarah' have children?
What would her DH say or feel if he were to read their emails?
How much has she got to loose? My guess is nothing. She must have a sad crap marriage if she's willing to risk theoretical infidelity.
It sounds like your DH has been fair and responded well to his stupidity but it must be hard to trust and fully believe it all.
{{{hug}}}

AF (like the name btw), No she doesn't have children and tbh when I planned to contact her my message was going to read something along the lines of
"I realise I am very pregnant and may be acting irrationally so I would apprectiate it if you could let me know what your husband thinks to all this"
I hate the thought of not having control of my own life, of something like this happening and not being able to decide what to do about it. Personally, I think he has the right to know about this "emotional affair" so he can also decide how to deal with it. Not my call though.

M2N2 IF you contact her DON'T say that.. if makes it look as if YOU may be being irrational in some way, which is very far from the truth.

It's up to you if you contact her on not. I think it might just shock her enough to have an impact, to have direct contact from you. But I what I would do is not necessarily the right thing.. and to be honest I would probably waddle (in view of advanced stage of pregnancy.. yours not mine.. but if I was you!) into the work place and ask to see her, especially if I could do so at at time when DH was not in the office. I'm sure THAT would cause her some alarm!

Thinking of you. I know this is hard but your DH's responses sound promising and SO many men are "stupid" in this way.. they just don't get what they could lose, and how much hurt it could and does cause. I hope this can be a "blip" that you will be able to look back on as such, from a long and successful marriage.

agree with shiny!

((((hugs)))) to you MLS. I read your threads and just want to hug you (and shake your DH!) I hope that you too will be able to look back one day on a (very big!) "blip".. but a blip nonetheless that you recovered from xx