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Original poster

How do you even begin to unpick how life went so wrong?

30 replies

Prusik · 19/04/2018 09:50

Second baby has killed my marriage. My DH has turned selfish and angry. I'm angry and resentful. Neither of us get any time to ourselves - either separately or apart. I don't have it in me to dedicate enough to my boys. Ds1 is having a few minor health and development issues. Ds2 is just hard hard work - won't be put down, ever. I'm tired, lost, resentful and confused. DH even complains if I ask him to get up at 6.30 so I can have half an hour to get showered and ready for the day. On the other hand, he's shattered because he's busy making the house safe for the boys and does cook dinner most days.

How do we find what we had? I just think if we can find that connection again then we can go a long way towards fixing things.

And my boys? I don't even begin to know how to stop failing them. I just don't want to do any of this any more.

Ps - I know this isn't pnd

OP posts:
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 19/04/2018 11:30

You aren't failing your boys, please don't think that.
You don't say how old they are but if the youngest is still only a baby & they are close in age then please give yourself a break as it is hard fucking work. I'm not going to lie & gush about it getting easier but you'll learn to cope better as the issues change with them growing.
As for your marriage-it is important, IMO, to remember you are a couple-not just parents. Make time to do things together, get someone to babysit & go out, even if it's once in a blue moon.

WS12 · 19/04/2018 11:36

You both sound like absolutely shattered parents with two small children... from my experience what you are going through is very common, we went through a patch ourselves, and I've seen my friends go through it too.

Your marriage is not dead! It is just a moment in time when you are struggling - but things can and will pick up. You won't have two small children for ever - they will grow and get bigger, start sleeping and being more independent. This is just a moment in time, and won't last forever, so please stay hopeful.

Do you have family to babysit? Can you put them in childcare for a few days a week to give you a break?

WS12 · 19/04/2018 11:41

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/04/2018 11:46

How old is the baby?

HadronCollider · 19/04/2018 11:49

How much sleep are you getting? Are you working as well? If so how long are your hours? Are there any other compounding issues (finances etc) that could be adding strain? Do have any support GPs etc? A little bit more detail would be helpful. Sorry you're going through a shit periodSad

pallisers · 19/04/2018 12:39

for many of us having a baby (or two) is like having a bomb go off in your marriage. Hence the anger, resentment etc.

I suggest that you start by sitting down with your husband and telling him you love him and this bit of life is really a bit shit in many ways and you know he is doing his absolute best and you hope he thinks the same of you. Then try to see if there are ways you can divide up the responsibility so both of you get some space. For example, would you each like a lie-in at the weekends? If so take one day each and agree what that means (no babies coming into the bedroom etc). Could you do mornings if he does bedtimes - and you have your shower then? or vice versa. That kind of thing. you need to be in it together and you need to feel that each of you is pulling his/her weight.

The best advice I gave myself at this stage of life was to presume the best of my dh. So if he didn't change a nappy, I presumed it was because he hadn't noticed. Not that he wanted me to do it. It sounds silly but it really did help.

Second best thing was "embracing the suck". So instead of trying to have the life we had before children we just went with it. Made friends with people with children the same age, went out together on a saturday to a park or a zoo or whatever. Didn't expect to have a quiet cup of coffee and the newspapers on a sunday (or every sunday anyway) but expected to have a coffee out feeding the ducks instead. It made life much easier. When kids were in bed we would have a takeout and a glass of wine.

Original poster
Prusik · 19/04/2018 16:29

More details, sorry. I'm currently on maternity leave (maternity allowance so naff all money), DH on minimum wage. Baby is 3 months and ebf. Toddler is 15 months. Toddler sleeps through. I co sleep with baby,DH on sofa and refuses to sleep upstairs to protect his sleep. He's on toddler night duty if needed

Pils come once a week for the afternoon, 45 minutes away. My own parents are two hours away and come for a day every month or six weeks.

I'm just fed up of DH feeling so angry with me. I know he feels unappreciated but life is just so bloody relentless, I just need some help

OP posts:
Original poster
Prusik · 19/04/2018 16:30

He is always on toddler duty when he gets home from work but pretty much refuses to have youngest. He always naps on the weekends when toddler naps

OP posts:
trackrBird · 19/04/2018 17:49

What is your husband angry about? Why is he directing anger at you ?

knickerelastic · 19/04/2018 18:11

It'll get easier when nursery kicks in & you'll have more time.

My daughter was very needy a few months before starting nursery because she is very intelligent & was bored.

Quartz2208 · 19/04/2018 18:22

I dont think he has turned selfish I think before you allowed him to be and now your time is taken up he is getting angry his needs are not being met

Original poster
Prusik · 19/04/2018 18:30

I think it's possible that I'm a bit too critical

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/04/2018 18:31

What does he have to be angry with you about? What does he do that is selfish?

3 month old and a toddler. That's hard. That stage is always hard.

FWBcomplexity · 19/04/2018 18:46

I don't know if you need to read and think on this or you just want to sound off on this thread but I use a website called The Couple Connection (google brings it up) in my work (massively outing myself here ha!) look at the section 'Raising children as a couple' and 'A psychologists view'

Some of it can be a bit worthy as it's directed at relationship conflict and couples who are thinking of marriage. But it's a national tool that family services are starting to use in their toolkits.

gemsparkle84 · 19/04/2018 18:53

Is there any possibility of getting you oldest in nursery even for an afternoon a week to give you a break?

Original poster
Prusik · 19/04/2018 19:14

I think he gets angry because I get stroppy with him for not doing what I need/want. Eg on Tuesday we negotiated that he would take little ones at 6.30 if necessary so I could shower but I needed to feed ds2 so then he got ready at 7 and I got missed. Even though it was out of his control, I got annoyed. And then this morning I asked for 6.30 again but he said no as he was tired. Tbf we have both been ill this week and I'm guessing he said no because I got grumpy with him the day before. It's like we have a battle going on.

I guess I just think if we can bring the connection back we would be a little nicer to eachother.

Eldest in nursery is a bit of a weird one. He pretty much wouldn't cope. I might see about putting him with a childminder. He's not been identified as having any sn but he is pretty demanding in terms of his needs.

I'll have a look at the website, thankyou.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 19/04/2018 19:21

I think you need a medal. 3 month old baby and a toddler is enough to make anyone want to get in a car and drive off into the sunset. Seriously.

For the time being I would try to encourage the baby to take a bottle (if this isn’t something you’ve already tried) so you can pass the baby to dh and say bye and disappear into the shower without getting missed because you’re having to breastfeed.

I would get everyone up at 6 or 6.30am and say that’s everyone’s wake up time. You deserve a shower every day and if the only way you can get it is with dh waking up at the same time as you then that’s what has to happen. 6.30am is a perfectly normal wake up time when you have small children! We have been waking up at 5.30am with non sleeping 5 year old ds who has autism for all of his life and we are still alive and nice to each other.

As the children get older and start nursery etc things will become MUCH easier. You are right in the middle of the worst parts of it all- a young baby and a toddler! This will pass. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Original poster
Prusik · 19/04/2018 19:25

I wish they could start nursery. DH and I will be working opposite shifts when I go back to work. He works days, I'll work evenings. Then he starts uni part time in sept on top of his full time job. I could cry at the thought of it. No way would DH agree to getting up at 6am - he gets up with the toddler which is a good deal really as he's not always an early riser. In the early days divide and conquer worked well. I had baby, he had toddler. These days it's just divisive

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 19/04/2018 19:29

I think that is part of the problem you present it as him doing you a favour and get upset when he doesnt want to.

He needs to realise that he needs to be part of the family and be your partner and take responsibility

Original poster
Prusik · 19/04/2018 19:36

That's a really good point. I'll tackle him again about having a shower tomorrow!! I'm pretty sure it's something I'm doing. How I'm approaching things. Eg I always do the dishwasher while toddler is having breakfast but I expect him to do it that way on the weekends. Why do I do that? Me nagging, and it is nagging, is only discouraging him to do stuff.

I feel if I can sort myself out then he'll be better. But equally he's so frustrating and although amazing with the toddler and the enormous amounts of DIY, he's so disengaged with me at times. But then we do chat.

Ah I'm so confused

OP posts:
belhamwalk · 19/04/2018 20:39

tell him you love him. just stop being angry with him for a bit and just give him a goddamn pass for always being angry with you and tell him you love him and that you are finding this fucking hard. and you know he is finding it hard too. reading between the lines he is doing stuff. he's cranky, you're cranky... but it can go on in a downward spiral.... see if he softens when you give him a chance to. xx

melissasummerfield · 19/04/2018 20:48

We had a 15 month age gap and it was absolutely horrendous, seriously thought we would end up seperating.. its the sleep deprivation and the demands of what is basically two babies.. we managed to get through it, hang in there op and try to talk to each other rather than stewing on stuff ( what i did then i would explode over something trivial)

Namechanger1404 · 19/04/2018 22:14

15 months between your toddler and youngest..you need a medal! You’re both exhausted mentally and physically, it will pass, but needs managing in the mean time.

I think you both need to discuss the practical things you can do to make life a little easier for you both. Having one baby is hard enough, but a baby and a young toddler, my goodness that’s very very hard indeed.

Maggiepryor · 19/04/2018 22:29

Hi op I think what you are going through is normal for this stage. I hated DH when I was at your stage age and wanted to divorce him! And it was literally just the sleep deprivation and the hard work of two babies talking.

TwentySmackeroos · 19/04/2018 23:02

If your finances can stretch to £10-20 a week, do you have a teenage neighbour who would come to play with toddler for two afternoons after school? I found this a godsend; 5 minute shower, one day to cook/tidy, one day to nap. I found a lovely girl of 16 who was glad of the few quiz and would take eldest to the swings or on a short nature walk or watch Peppa Pig just so I could regroup. Otherwise it is really really hard to be on the baby-treadmill and fighting over 6.30 wakings when resentment is high. Him sleeping on the sofa cannot be good for his mood.

Try to plan the days when you have the PILs that that is the day you go to bed for two hours, (would they bring you a dinner dish?), and you wash up. Maximise what little help you get and try to find extra assistance; use it wisely, and if it means postponing a shower for a few hours, do so.

I don't envy you; I remember it well. I hope you work out a balance that reduces the resentment Flowers