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Original poster

How the hell am I going to sort this out with my friend/ex FWB?

31 replies

FWBcomplexity · 18/04/2018 22:33

It's a long one I'm afraid. I met someone on Tinder 3 years ago and we immediately hit it off. We slept with each other that night and for a year after but he was just coming out of a marriage and I was traumatised from my DV marriage, so FWB suited us both.

I met someone else after a year and got into a proper relationship with him (although he turned out to be a twat) so obviously stopped sleeping with FWB. FWB did say after I'd been seeing twat guy for 3 months 'I can't give you 100% but I can give you 50% be with me' and a couple of drunken 'I love you' via WhatsApp. But I didn't want 50% I wanted 100% so stuck with twat. FWB eventually got with his friend of 20 years. We remained friends (we like the same music and go to the same gigs) but didn't meet up much individually as it all felt a bit awkward. FWB best friend then committed suicide a year ago and he leaned heavily on me for emotional support (my job is related to this).

A month ago I finally managed to pluck up the courage to end it with twat, encouraged by FWB friend who saw how unhappy I was.

Anyway all fine until tonight when out of the blue I get a question from him and he's clearly trashed (spoke to him earlier about a gig as he's friends with a famous band and he was drinking then). The question was 'Do you want me to fuck you again? Because I want to.'

I immediately replied 'You will regret that in the morning, delete it' and he said 'Yes or no?'

I've not replied. WTAF am I going to do? He's emotional and drunk because it's the anniversary, he's my friend and I don't want him out of my life BUT I don't want to be that single woman who is in contact with someone else's boyfriend in an inappropriate way. If she reads that she would (very rightly) go mental. I don't know his gf and we have never met so she doesn't know what kind of person I am.

Am I going to have to stop contact? It's such bad timing because he needs my friendship. But I can't do this to another woman. It feels yuck. And he's my only other lone parent friend so we use each other's friendship in that capacity because we are often home alone with our DC's so talk to each other as a bit of companionship. Fucking hell. Men. I already know I guess...what a shit situation. Help!

OP posts:
pudding21 · 18/04/2018 22:54

Id tell him that he shouldn't contact you unless he's single and ready to give 100%. Sounds like you have a stronger bond and depth of feeling than a casual friend with benefits would.

He's in a relationship. I'd not go there, I wouldn't be that woman no matter what. He's reaching out because he's knows you're there.

Astarael · 18/04/2018 22:55

So you were with someone else when he got with his girlfriend?

And he is drunk and emotional tonight?

I’d say don’t do anything dramatic like blocking him. Just don’t reply. The way I see it there are three possibilities here:

  1. he wants to be with you and your new singleness has ‘opened the door’ for his feelings.

  2. he’s drunk and emotional and being inappropriate and will regret it massively when he wakes up.

  3. he’s considering having his cake and eating it.

You will know which it is by his next messages. Even if it is the first option, you don’t want to mess around with someone else’s boyfriend so that is his situation to sort out without input with you.

If it’s the second and he apologises then hopefully you can move forward with a friendship but be on your guard for future overstepping of the line.

If it’s the third then blocking and moving on with your life is the way forward!

Gemini69 · 18/04/2018 22:56

Sorry I'm lost... it's not you it's me... Flowers

Cuppaoftea · 18/04/2018 23:00

Do you have romantic feelings for him? Because I don't fully understand why you're tying yourself up in knots over this.

Ignore any further messages from him tonight and make it clear when he's sober you are now just a friend.

You call your ex a twat, this guy is too for treating his girlfriend like this (and also for his 'I can give you 50%' comment to you in the past).

Astarael · 18/04/2018 23:03

cuppa makes a good point - I’d glossed over the “50%” comment when I read your OP

Alienspaceship · 18/04/2018 23:06

Well he’s not offering much is he? 50% and you can be his shag on the side. Move on.

TheMonkeyMummy · 18/04/2018 23:18

I'd give the lad a break and not read much more into it at this point. He is feeling nostalgic.

If the messages continued, I would be very clear and kick him
(Gently but clearly) into touch.

CelticSelkie · 18/04/2018 23:25

The boundaries between friendship and a relationship have been really blurry in the past.

It sounds like you are friends, not just shagging. The 50% bit would not work for me if the relationhsip was physical. Maybe you can be friends, platonic, non physical friends.

But fgs knock the blurry boundary shit on the head.

Nitpickpicnic · 18/04/2018 23:49

Wasn’t the 50% comment made when he was single, but OP was with twat? I’m guessing the offer will have fallen to the middling 20% or less, now that he’s got a girlfriend.

I’d probably treat his drunken text as a joke, that is, don’t respond now and rib him about it next time you catch up in ‘real life’. It’ll send the message that you assume he wasn’t seriously suggesting an adulterous FWB setup, which is a million miles from what you did when you were both single.

If he presses you on it (rather than retreating gracefully) tell him he’s ruining a friendship, and he must realise that you rate yourself better than a 25% option, even if he doesn’t.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/04/2018 00:05

Definitely don’t reply now unless it’s to say ‘no’ and nothing else, but I wouldn’t joke about it at any point because it’s not funny at all to his girlfriend - not your fault but you’d be complicit if you joked about it.

I think you’ve done the right thing but you definitely need to pull back unless you get a wholehearted ‘oh god I was a drunken twat’ apology in the morning. Even then I’d be hurt if I was the gf and he carries on going for coffees/extensive messages etc with you.

To be honest I don’t think I could be friends with this guy anyway - he could only offer you 50% but presumably the current gf gets 100% (unless you’re not the only attempt at a bit on the side!) why is she worthy and you’re not?

Sakurasnail · 19/04/2018 03:38

You need to text back that it's not on, in no uncertain terms. Imagine what the gf would think if she saw the texts so far. You've done nothing wrong so far, but he's acting like a sleaze. Don't know what's wrong with so many men nowadays, thinking it's fine having a bit on the side. I've experienced it (from the gf perspective) and it really messes up the relationship for good. Actually, she'd be better knowing what he's thinking and dumping him.

FrancisUnderwood · 19/04/2018 03:44

Ugh forget it. He sees a vacancy and thinks he'll slide into your inbox with a smooth 'fancy a fuck?' on the side?

That and the 50% thing?? Honestly?....... Fucking creep.

FrancisUnderwood · 19/04/2018 03:46

He keeps showing you who he is OP. Believe him.

GreenItWas · 19/04/2018 04:13

Just send, "Nah, yer alright" and then just carry on with the friendship. It's not a big deal surely. He will regret it in the morning. You will both forget it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 19/04/2018 04:14

Friend zone does not have a shag on the agenda. “Of course not”

TammyWhyNot · 19/04/2018 04:25

Just say ‘no! We’re FWOB now, friends without benefits!’ And stuck to it clearly and assertively, but carrry in being friends.

He is obviously dodgy relationship material (50% / unfaithful to gf / ‘do you want me to fuck you’ ffs) but if you want to be friends, be friends.

Isetan · 19/04/2018 05:08

Since when does going through stuff excuse you for being a twat. When he’s sobered up tell him that his behaviour was out of order and if he pulls that shit again, you will block his ass. Make it very clear, don’t let him off the hook because you feel sorry for him.

However, this should illustrate that your past with benefits relationship isn’t as far in the past as it should be and I’d be very wary of continuing a ‘friendship’ with someone who’d proposition someone else while in a relationship. My sympathies are with his real gf.

Graduate223 · 19/04/2018 05:13

He sounds like a real prize... not. He doesn’t think you’re worth more than sex and only when he’s drunk apparently. Block and move on.

Original poster
FWBcomplexity · 19/04/2018 09:37

I didn't reply and he has breezily sent a 'I'm soooo hungover' message this morning.

I can't even bring myself to reply to that. I really feel bad for his gf. I'd be gutted if I knew my partner was saying that to someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
FWBcomplexity · 19/04/2018 09:38

Oh, he just said 'I deleted you for some reason'

Nice.

OP posts:
Alwaystired122 · 19/04/2018 09:47

Agree 100% with FrancisUnderwood

isthismylifenow · 19/04/2018 09:47

I think just ignore that message and put it down to drunken text.

If in a sober state he refers to it again, then just say right out that that FWB relationship is over, and that if he want to remain friends, it is purely on a just friendship basis.

That is if you still want to remain friends.

Adora10 · 19/04/2018 14:14

FGS, what is he offering you, sex on the side whilst he betrays his partner, that's lovely, he sounds absolutely awful, clearly only wants you for shag, up your game OP, in fact, tell him to fuck right off, and btw, it's not all men, it's just some sleazy fuckers who can't stay faithful.

Adora10 · 19/04/2018 14:14

I can't even bring myself to reply to that. I really feel bad for his gf. I'd be gutted if I knew my partner was saying that to someone.

Block him then.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2018 15:02

I think you were right to ignore. You seriously want 100% with someone who will cheat?

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