How the hell am I going to sort this out with my friend/ex FWB?

[FWBcomplexity]

It's a long one I'm afraid. I met someone on Tinder 3 years ago and we immediately hit it off. We slept with each other that night and for a year after but he was just coming out of a marriage and I was traumatised from my DV marriage, so FWB suited us both.

I met someone else after a year and got into a proper relationship with him (although he turned out to be a twat) so obviously stopped sleeping with FWB. FWB did say after I'd been seeing twat guy for 3 months 'I can't give you 100% but I can give you 50% be with me' and a couple of drunken 'I love you' via WhatsApp. But I didn't want 50% I wanted 100% so stuck with twat. FWB eventually got with his friend of 20 years. We remained friends (we like the same music and go to the same gigs) but didn't meet up much individually as it all felt a bit awkward. FWB best friend then committed suicide a year ago and he leaned heavily on me for emotional support (my job is related to this).

A month ago I finally managed to pluck up the courage to end it with twat, encouraged by FWB friend who saw how unhappy I was.

Anyway all fine until tonight when out of the blue I get a question from him and he's clearly trashed (spoke to him earlier about a gig as he's friends with a famous band and he was drinking then). The question was 'Do you want me to fuck you again? Because I want to.'

I immediately replied 'You will regret that in the morning, delete it' and he said 'Yes or no?'

I've not replied. WTAF am I going to do? He's emotional and drunk because it's the anniversary, he's my friend and I don't want him out of my life BUT I don't want to be that single woman who is in contact with someone else's boyfriend in an inappropriate way. If she reads that she would (very rightly) go mental. I don't know his gf and we have never met so she doesn't know what kind of person I am.

Am I going to have to stop contact? It's such bad timing because he needs my friendship. But I can't do this to another woman. It feels yuck. And he's my only other lone parent friend so we use each other's friendship in that capacity because we are often home alone with our DC's so talk to each other as a bit of companionship. Fucking hell. Men. I already know I guess...what a shit situation. Help!

I don't want him! He's got a gf and I haven't slept with him for over 2 years. I had got to the point where he was a dear friend, who I was bothered and concerned about. I guess underneath I have always held some emotion for him as I have never really reached that level of emotional intimacy with a man before but I've really thought it through and I've kept that contained. He asked if he had upset me this morning and I replied that I thought our friendship hit a low last night due to the content of his messages and the fact that he deleted me. I haven't heard from him since I sent that and I imagine he's overwhelmed with his hangover, he's away with work, he WILL feel bad for doing that to his gf and he's struggling re his best friends anniversary.

I'm not going to initiate contact again. As a pp said the boundaries were more blurred than I anticipated or was really honest with myself about. I feel quite shit about that and I will learn from it. I hope he does too.

I think in this kind of situation, often people PRETEND they were drunk in order to conceal manipulative behaviour?

(not saying he wasn’t “somewhat” drunk, but I think he’s consciously grooming you to be his bit on the side and hence)

He just sounds like a load of drama at this stage of your interaction. I’d drift away and make better friends.

It’s sad to lose people you’ve known for a long time, but if they’re nothing but a destructive influence and create drama and don’t have your best interests at heart then it has to be done?

Incidentally when I jettisoned a lot of unpleasant friends, I found that the quality of BOTH the guys I dated and my other friendships went up? He’s going to drag you down with him if you stay in touch.

If he is trying to groom me to be his bit on the side he won't get far. My interaction with him regarding his best friends death has been bloody useful and convenient for him and I thought he'd have had a bit more respect and affection for me for that. I don't want to have such a negative view of men as I'm a mother to boys and a girl and I really think about gender carefully. But unfortunately I'm a bit brow beaten by it all at the moment.

Not much help...
But I would hate to be the girlfriend, I'd kick his arse to the curb for that comment alone. But tbh. I wouldnt date a guy who was still best mates with his FWB...or EX..

You both deserve better.

Rewrite this entire post and send it to him, in any relationship, communication is key. You should be discussing this with him, not us. There you'll potentially find clarity, not assumptions and speculations.

It was a tough one for me to accept that male “friends” I’d had for a long time were basically not friends but users (as in either they wanted sex OR they expected me to compensate for “not giving them sex” by doing all the organising/ emotional support etc so they were very one sided friendships! )

Especially as like you I believed “in principle” that men and women could be friends, etc,etc.

I still do believe that, but I think the context in which you meet people also makes a difference?

I think if you meet a guy through study or work or you’re part of the same solid social group it’s different to meeting someone via a dating context?