Can you ever forgive and forget this???

[Oneday5]

Hi there anybody

Firstly, just want to say thanks for reading my post, now where do I start?

I would just like to understand people’s opinions on the following please.

I’ve been with my Husband for 7 years and have a 3 year old boy.

My husband has always been critical of me since we started our relationship. He would say I was thick when he felt I didn’t do something right, that I shouldn’t wear a top that shows any cleavage, that we shouldn’t visit places we’d ever been to with past partners.

The criticisms turned into physical actions, he spat at me, pushed me against the stairs, pushed me to the floor, gave me a black eye,

I reported this to the Police after months of mainly verbal but some physical attacks. Then after months of him being on bail but pleading with me to retract my statement, I did, I desperately wanted to have a family and I didn’t want him to lose his job if he had been charged.

2 years on and we’ve been living together but we still argue, he still is controlling and at times nasty. I have become so distant to him as I cannot forgive those things he did to me. He has acknowledged they were wrong but thinks I was just as bad and I drove him to it!

He still tells me he loves me, that he wants our family to be together and when he does this I cry as that’s all I want too. I’ve gone back to him several times.

Can you ever move on from such a sad, horrible past and make this work?

Or is there no option and I must go alone?

Your thoughts would mean a lot to me.

Thank you

Hello again,

Yes the recording, the case against me.

Seriously, he’s trying to level out his behaviour.

In my experience, as you split - he will do nothing like it. Mine had all sorts of mails he never used against me because they were more or less pleading for him to be decent.

Seriously, don’t worry about any of that and plan to get away from him.

It’s all hot air. And frankly, he has a Police complaint against him for violence. His stats won’t add up.

He’s a controlling nasty bugger and he’s doing it to scare you.

Don’t let it. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Leave him, leave him now.

You will not regret it. I stupidly worshiped the ground my abuser walked on for a long time but when I finally made the break I felt free and it was bloody amazing! You will need a good support network around you and there will be bad times but you will get through them.

xx

He has already threatened to me over the last 2 years he will try to get our DS 50/50 and that he is a much better parent than me.

His job takes him away a lot but he has said he’s prepared to cut down his hours to achieve this.

I’ve been a stay at home mum since my DS was born

He said he will play the recordings of me “ranting” at him and belittling him in the house which show I am a bad mum. I feel terrible because I’m known as a nice caring person but to him after all this abuse and nastyness I have started to shout too. It’s all ground me down and made me feel even worse about everything

I’m so frightened he will win as he is one of those successful people who normally do

He will only win if you believe him. He is talking nonsense. The fact that you reported the physical abuse to the police would count against him in court anyway. Much more that anti depressants. It doesn't matter that you didn't press charges there will be a record of it. No amount of provoked secret recordings can counter physical assault. He knows it. He thinks you don't so he's trying to get the upper hand.

What is your financial situation like? Do you jointly own the house? You need to start planning your escape.

Is there a family member you can confide in to help You?

Go to doctors appointments alone and in secret. Confide everything in your GP especially his threats to use mental health issues against you. Get it all recorded.

Speak to women's aid and start digging your tunnel. Go grey rock on him and don't engage in arguments not matter how much he tries to pull you in. Anything physical call the police.

Start planning your new life with your son.

He is not the slightest bit interested in 50:50 care. He is interested in keeping you in line and punishing you if you step out of line.

He might think to himself that he will go for 50:50. Well, here's the thing, contact arranged by the court doesn't take into account what is "fair" for the parents, only what is in the best interests of the children.

Also, this is a common threat. You know well already that he has fuck all interest in caring for his children, the reality of that will rapidly outweigh his desire to hurt you. Children are hard work. Wife work is draining. He won't like it. I doubt he would even do it for a month, if at all. Most don't ever stop working and take over childcare. That's their worst nightmare.

The fact that he's talking about using the children to keep you in line, instead of talking about what is the best option for the children, tells you everything you need to know about that threat. It is an empty threat.

Do not believe him.

Leave him!

Leave him. He is not going to go for 50:50 care - that would involve sacrifice on his part. Leave him now while your little one is unaffected.

He is abusive.

I bet, if you leave him, your mental health will be much, much better.

You should go it alone. You can’t change him. If he wanted to, he would have changed.

WalkaboutWendy your post was so helpful and so well written! It feels like he’s been trying to get me since he was arrested and he’s been building this case against me.
I will try and stay strong and not let his comments get to me.

We are financially stable with a house but he controls all our financial situation and juggles things about a lot. He is very money orientated.

Luckily I have a great friend I have confided in and parents but I still worry what the future will hold.

To forgive and forget those things is to disrespect yourself, and make them something your son sees as ‘ok in some situations’.

The things that a family should be are not what is happening here despite your best efforts and all the time you are decreasing the chances of meeting someone fantastic that you can have a positive healthy family life with.

So are you a SAHM mum? If so can you look into applying for work but using your friend or family's address? You can start lining up child care in secret as well with everything going to the alternate address.

Start getting hold of financial paperwork whilst he is out and take copies. Is your name on the house?

You need to know how much he earns per month. Current savings and debts. Plus mortgage details if applicable.

You can figure out how much financial support you would get through online resources.

Get yourself a solicitor and start talking to them to get an idea of the best approach.

Get all your key docs to your family for safe keeping (marriage certificate, passports for you and your son and birth certificates).

When you are ready then you can make your move but make sure you have someone else there to protect you and drive the point home.

He's going to be nasty so the more ground work you can do the better.

Keep your chin up and think about this time next year

I totally agree, I was brought up in a loving family with parents who loved each other and still do after nearly 50 years!

I’ve always aspired to that, I haven’t got it but I certainly don’t want my DS to witness such a terribly unhappy home life.

I am a stay at home mum Wendy. I will certainly follow your advice. He locks the cabinets with all the important documents when he is worried and has hidden some of my sons key documents from me as I have left serveral times.

Where does he keep the key? Does he always lock them?

He sounds worse and worse the more you post you have to get out of this it's not healthy.

You may have to wait until he is at work on the day you leave and break in. Nothing illegal about getting access to your son's documentation in your own home. A crowbar should do it

Hides the keys as well. He doesnt lock them all the time. I totally agree this has been a totally unhealthy relationship from the get go. I feel foolish to think I’ve put up with it for so long.

Don't beat yourself up. It's what you do now that counts.

Thank you Wendy, I am very surprised and touched that people bother to make such caring and sympathetic comments on here. You have helped me, thank you x

Thanks everyone for such kind messages.

I’m going to go alone and make a new future for my DS and I. X

Good luck with everything OP are the friends who can help you move out and break into those cabinets? Xx

I am lucky I know I have the support of a close friend and parents who will help me through this and try our best to get everything I need x

That's brilliant OP. You can do this and come out the other side.

So first step tell them everything so they can help you plan, but keep your powder dry. Leave in a strong position, he won't be expecting that

Call his bluff on the 50:50.
Him. I'm having 50:50.
You. Brilliant. I can finally get a life. A decent job and start to go out and make friends. Have hobbies. Go to the gym.
Having thought about it, that would all work very well me.
He will soon back pedal.
Good luck op.
So glad you have support now.

Ha ha thanks HellsBells.

I’ve been accused by my husband of having “no friends” “no hobbies” etc and yes I’ll have to say now I can do all those things I’ve wanted to do!

Funny how these sort of men say all this but then effectively use you to look after their child while they make time to go to the gym for 3 hours, lie in in the morning and occasionally go out for drinks with 40 year old “lad” friends! While women like me soldier on with all the day to day stuff involved with having a baby/toddler like playgroups, shopping, bathing, developing good routines and never supposed to moan about it.

My husband said to me once....”what do you do? It’s not all about coffees and parks! I do all the BIG stuff like the finances”

x

He's not clever, a lawyer would chew him up for breakfast.

They get your self esteem so low that you start to believe they are clever and can do anything.

He's nothing, OP. Make an appointment with the GP, tell them you didn't have PND, it was the effect of an abusive husband. Don't tell H about the appointment.