Can you ever forgive and forget this???

[Oneday5]

Hi there anybody

Firstly, just want to say thanks for reading my post, now where do I start?

I would just like to understand people’s opinions on the following please.

I’ve been with my Husband for 7 years and have a 3 year old boy.

My husband has always been critical of me since we started our relationship. He would say I was thick when he felt I didn’t do something right, that I shouldn’t wear a top that shows any cleavage, that we shouldn’t visit places we’d ever been to with past partners.

The criticisms turned into physical actions, he spat at me, pushed me against the stairs, pushed me to the floor, gave me a black eye,

I reported this to the Police after months of mainly verbal but some physical attacks. Then after months of him being on bail but pleading with me to retract my statement, I did, I desperately wanted to have a family and I didn’t want him to lose his job if he had been charged.

2 years on and we’ve been living together but we still argue, he still is controlling and at times nasty. I have become so distant to him as I cannot forgive those things he did to me. He has acknowledged they were wrong but thinks I was just as bad and I drove him to it!

He still tells me he loves me, that he wants our family to be together and when he does this I cry as that’s all I want too. I’ve gone back to him several times.

Can you ever move on from such a sad, horrible past and make this work?

Or is there no option and I must go alone?

Your thoughts would mean a lot to me.

Thank you

Talking from experience here. Many years of it and umpteen children .
You can stay and you will have some happy times interspersed in the shit you put up with . Those happy times are what keep you there. Like a drug almost. Along with the guilt of breaking up the family . Will the children blame you when older for leaving etc. There's a good chance they could turn to you one day and ask why on earth you stayed and subjected them to it for so long. What happens if you have more children. The feelings of being trapped will increase.

Eventually you will get resentful. Took me a long long long time but it will creep in and eventually you will start to emotionally withdraw even possibly seeking out emotional comfort elsewhere and then wishing you werent stuck in this situation

I could not and would not forgive much less forget.

The man is no right OP, in other words, he's fucked in the head; you sound pretty normal and decent, all I can say is please get rid and get away from him; he will never make you happy.

Can you make it work with a nasty, violent, vicious, controlling bully? No.

He is an abuser and you deserve better. Your son deserves to grow up in a house where this doesn't happen as it's not nice and it's not normal.

Please leave him and don't look back. Good luck x

To put it really simply - there is no option to stay in this abusive relationship, and yes, you must go it alone. I wish you strength and luck.

Please, do the Freedom Programme. Go along to a course local to you - look at their site to get a list of courses your way.

It will set you free

You need to get away from this man, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for your son. You are teaching him that this is the way men treat their wives, he learns from you, he sees you allowing this behaviour.

OP. I was in this position with Ds’s father.

I put up with so much believing it was best for our child, I could handle it etc.

As soon as I started to assert new and strong boundaries with each hideous curveball, arrange counselling and change things in the hope of a better future, he found a 26 year old work colleague and left.

You can imagine my anger at myself for having put up with it at all.

It’s difficult dealing with him now, but looking back it was all about him holding his job and income over me when I formally complained to the Police. We had no sex life because I felt exactly as you do - why would you sleep with someone who thought so little of you. I found the thought repulsive.

This has affected my judgement in relationships since.

You will never forgive him.

Get your plan b in place. Set yourself up and get advice. Then put that plan in motion.

He will leave you for his next victim otherwise is my guess. The new person will not get any different treatment to what you’ve had.

Expect him to get really dirty in his dealings, expect him to use your DS as a pawn in his control game. If you can anticipate his very worst behaviour, and they can pull out worse, you can stay strong and hopefully there will be no hideous surprises.

I imagine he will try to control every last joint teaspoon to get at you.

I recognise your position rather too well. I hope you find the strength to get you and DS out to have a happier life.

My only proper advice is get advice. Keep DS in his world because it is his father and unless he’s cruel to him or considered dangerous to him, your son is entitled to that relationship with his dad. But you do need to think about the games he will play around seeing your son.

You are going to need cast iron knickers, but you CAN cope. I imagine the freedom away from his regime will give you a new lease of life you never could imagine while you’re putting up with him.

I’m sorry OP. Stay strong.

He was worried you would tell the GP you are in an abusive marriage.

He can sense you are on the verge of leaving. He is preparing to engage a new strategy: "she's mental", "if you leave me, I'll report to SS for being mental and you'll never see the children again."

It's bullshit obviously. SS have seen the effects of an abusive relationship a thousand times and besides you aren't doing anything bad. Of course he doesn't intend for it to get that far. He intends to scare you into putting up with more abuse.

Quite simply, no.

Have you read the pinned post at the top of the relationships board called ‘right listen up everybody’? Please do.

This really isn’t a good environment for your son to grow up in and learn that this is how you treat someone.

You must only move on without your husband.

“You are going to need cast iron knickers”

Platter head you made me laugh with that comment, at a time when I really am struggling to find things to laugh about!

Thank you for such a wonderfully written and heart felt post.

And for all the other ladies who have posted too. I will certainly look into the freedom programme x

If you leave soon op, your darling baby will survive all this almost unscathed. They won't have had enough time to completely absorb how awful their father is.

The longer you leave it, the more your DC will suffer.

Wishing you courage.

My husband has over the last few months been telling me more and more I have Post Natal depression. I really don’t believe I have or ever had this. He told me I should go on some “mood” tablets as he was so worried about me. He said this to me several times and so in the end I did end up going to the GP and getting some. I felt pressured into doing it.

On one appointment when I was going to discuss coming off the tablets (as I didn’t think they were doing anything) he said he should come with me. I told him I didn’t want him to. He mentioned I should actually up my dose!

Again in the end he ended up coming (mainly because I didn’t want another argument) he ended up talking over me and telling the GP how I was depressed, wasn’t very sociable, struggled with OCD etc etc. I said I didn’t want him there and he was asked to leave.

I am so worried he is already trying to use this against me. He has recorded me in arguments with me and I know I don’t sound very nice. He’s trying to build up a case against me.

Has this happened to anyone else before?

No, you can’t move on from this, you may feel like you can at times but you can’t. I really feel for you but you need to try and be strong. I was in a very similar situation, several black eyes, bruises etc. My ex sounds very much like your H. It took my a long time to leave but I never looked back and now understand what true happiness is.

Thanks for messaging BlondeB83
It gives me hope to know that you can find happiness after this. I’m glad you have, I’m sorry you have been through such an awful time and good to hear that’s behind you now. x

There is no case really. He's going to try and frighten you into doing what he wants. He might think he can actually convince medical professionals that you are bonkers. He is wrong. Thousands of jumped up self-important twats of men have thought they could do this. They fail.

All the antidepressants and shouty recordings will do is to help prove that you are in an abusive marriage.

If you want to do something to feel like you are protecting yourself, maybe make a secret appointment at the GP, tell the GP that you have been feeling down because you are in an abusive controlling relationship, that you don't feel you need antidepressants you think you need counselling to help you escape. Having that recorded can only do you good, especially after his performance at the GP last time.

Thank you for your great, straight forward advice Run Rabbit. You talk a lot of sense! x

Thanks for recommending this post, a very positive and clear message is coming out of it! X

OP, don't walk. Run.

My ex husband also used to tell me I'm thick, spat in my face, broke my ribs, and lots more.

He also tried telling me I had post natal depression. They are all the same op and your little boy is next.

I know live my own life and have a lovely boyfriend.

I just read that you feel he is building up a case. Yes he is!! Oh god, get out.

Well he can't keep 'building his case' if you aren't with him!!!
Get out and do it fast.

I agree with runrabbit, don't tell him and go to the GP on your own. someone has already mentioned it but he is gaslighting you, google it and he fits the profile, it's very worrying behaviour and the impact on your emotional and mental health is what you're experiencing, you need to look after yourself and your son.
You are clearly intelligent and self aware as you know all of this isn't right, leaving any relationship is hard but you know you need to, that much is clear.
I wish you strength and love x

Has this happened to anyone else before? - Many, many. Too many.

Read the 'script' - it's stickied at the top of the Relationships board. The 'worried about you', the 'you're mad/PND', the insistence of Gp to listen to them - all part of the script.

It'll go on to 'sweetness and light' for a few weeks, and you will think 'phew! He's lovely, I don't need to think about leaving, this is what I want in my marriage' until BAM he's being abusive again. Then he will be possibly tearful, violent, abusive, wheedling, nice again - until you don't know what to think. But if you know what's coming (because the Script will fore-warn you) it's easier to just watch it unfold.

Def see your GP (make an appointment for when he is at work) and talk through as much as you can. Get as much help from WA, HV, SS, schools etc as you can. You don't need to do it alone.