Thank you @WhatsGoingOnEh for the details - that is exactly the set of studies I had in mind with regards to my comments.
Also, studies show women who go through the bond - break cycle too many times are psychologically damaged by it and struggle to build healthy relationships. Men don’t face the same trade-off. It’s not fair, but that’s just how it is.
So @NinkyNonk1, where does that leave you? Well, it sounds like it’s still early days, so it’s great that you thinking about this now.
Yes it does still stand. You also started off not wanting a boyfriend. Things have changed since then, so now we’re working with that, and so is he.
The history you have given in terms of logistics sounds OK to me, and offers legit motive for his caution. I believe this could be the better of the two possibilities, and he is being genuine.
I think it’s just going to be a matter of communication, and it sounds like you two are intelligent and should be able to just talk about it. You should be able to say, in your own words (after a wine or two?) “I feel ready to make our thing exclusive. Do you?” See what he says. “What is it that you are looking for to be sure about this?” etc.
Personally, I do the process of “making properly sure” whilst in the monogamous “relationship” with the other person. You only get to test-drive one at a time with me. I don’t want either of us to be distracted and I don’t want diseases. With me, I would demand exclusivity after a few weeks. The relationship doesn’t need a formal label, or involve discussing futures together, or moving closer (since you live some distance apart), but also I’d want to know it’s only me he’s trying to be sure about after a month, or two at most.
If not already, I’d also do all the investigation for dysfunctional behaviour about what happened with the ex or exes, how he got hurt, if she was actually a mega bitch then why did he pick her, why didn’t he notice her dysfunctional behaviour, why didn’t she want to keep him, what did his friends/family think about her, what did he learn from it, etc. If you uncover anything that makes you feel uncomfortable there, be super careful. Are you being as careful and discerning as he allegedly is?
Honestly, healthy, sane, people love it when you are deliberate about your wants, needs and desires. It’s an absolute breath of fresh air in a world full of broken dysfunctional people living in extended adolescence. I don’t mean clingy and obsessive l, but just saying what your expectations are straight up. I have never faced rejection for being really direct or digging for details. The place where the mistakes usually happen is when you dig up the unprocessed red flags and dysfunction and proceed anyway despite them - it never works out. And you always know it won’t in your gut, but you do it anyway, because exciting or feelings or hot. If you do find red flags, you need to make sure they’ve processed that stuff and understand what happened.
I hope that helps. I’ll leave it there as I seem to have gone overboard with the long reply again. 