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Relationships

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How long does it take to fall in love?

61 replies

NinkyNonk1 · 18/04/2018 12:51

Just that really. When do you know the difference between really liking somebody and falling in love with it them?

Is it possible to fall in love at first sight?

And does being in love with someone mean that you love them?

OP posts:
Humv · 19/04/2018 02:28

I’m similarly to sugarblossom82- I knew my DH was special on the first date, I remember telling someone he was going to be the guy that, if I ever got married, he would be the one I got married to. We were both very open, his parents told me after that he’d told them that. Said I love you within the first month, got engaged 9 months later, married another 9 months after that and found out we were pregnant 3 months after the wedding. It’s been 2 years of being married now and we still feel as certain as we always have. He’s my best friend and most definitely the love of my life! I think an important part of it is finding someone you’re open with and have no need to play games with; this was my first relationship that was so completely open and it was so much easier. So yes, I do believe love is different for everyone but I do believe it’s possible to know very early you’ve met someone special.

subswifesyndrome · 19/04/2018 03:19

Op, I don't think it's a naive question. I'm pushing 60 and still ponder the same type of question. I think we're all different. It takes me a long time to 'love'. The only couple of times I've had instant and strong attractions, they've been physical and destructive - in my case.

For me, love grows. For some of my friends, they've had the thunderbolt moment.

Socratease · 19/04/2018 04:30

Love is the involuntary response to virtue, when we ourselves are virtuous.

There is no time limit, but it usually takes some number of weeks or months to uncover someone’s virtues in truth.

OP, what do you love about him?

Virtues are typically things like courage, integrity, truthfulness, industriousness, temperance, and wisdom. These tend to be consistent across cultures and religions.

Things like “he makes me laugh” or “we like the same things” may be necessary but not sufficient for love.

We also then need to consider the difference between love and a relationship that is “happily ever after”. A lot more goes into the latter than just love. Assuming red flags and obvious problems aren’t present, if your partner is one to help and support your flowering into your full potential over the course of a life time, whatever that potential may be, and you can do the same for them, you can then grow together which is required to stand the test of time.

If that is what you are working on, you have something amazing; possibly the most valuable thing to have of all. It will require commitment, compromise and communication, and you will not be in love the whole time; it ebbs and flows and evolves. It is something that you work on, and is usually the most important decision of your entire life, by far. Be discerning and choose wisely.

JustOneMan · 19/04/2018 04:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andromeida59 · 19/04/2018 12:29

I met my partner through OLD. As soon as we met I just knew that if we were to have a relationship then that would be it. He also said that I seemed so different to anyone else he had met. Said I love you within a couple of weeks. Moved in together after a few months. Still happily together 13 years later.

NinkyNonk1 · 19/04/2018 15:22

He's not done anything to make himself out to be a 'nobend' at all. During the course of telling each other how we felt he said he was scared of getting that close to someone because he doesn't want to get hurt again. So it remains that we are just seeing each other and aren't in a relationship until a time that he feels he is able to.

Obviously on the other side of that if it it just him trying to keep me hanging then I'm not going to wait forever for him to decide if he can commit or not.

The day I met him and he started talking I just knew he was a very intelligent and understanding person. He has good morals which are in line with my own. The way he's made me feel comfortable and has offered reassurance to me has made me feel at ease with him very quickly. Physically he's very lovely and gorgeous. How do I differentiate between the things that make this in to love or just in love?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 19/04/2018 17:04

Just to make a change from all the "and now 20 years later we are still happily together" answers :)

First man I dated for any length of time after splitting up with my ex ticked all the boxes. Lovely green-brown eyes, great smile, funny, able to get enthusiastic about little things, empathetic, nice voice, good lively discussions ... and it was spring :) and it was great. Literally felt like I was floating as I walked around. We soon declared our passion for one another and sent constant icky texts about how great the other one was :)

It lasted a year, after which I reluctantly had to end it as he was acting like he had something to hide - the longer it went on, the more suspicious it seemed. He lived an hour away so could have been up to all sorts.

As time went by after that, the fever went away and I started to realise all the ways he wasn't right for me anyway, all the things I'd decided to ignore as I liked him. Looking back it feels like I was under a magic spell or something! It was great at the time, but I'm now a bit suspicious of that kind of intense feelings.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/04/2018 17:07

So it remains that we are just seeing each other and aren't in a relationship until a time that he feels he is able to.

How does that work? I'm guessing you see each other regularly, have sex, communicate when you're not together?

If that's what it's like, you're being taken for a ride, I'm afraid.

NinkyNonk1 · 19/04/2018 17:08

@WhatsGoingOnEh yes that is what is happening so why does that mean I'm being taken for a ride?

OP posts:
category12 · 19/04/2018 17:21

As I thought, code for nobend-ery. Wants all the things that go with a relationship but without calling it one because he's "been hurt before". (Big whoop, who hasn't.) In other words, you're great for now, but he's keeping his options open and he's already told you he can't be in a relationship so if you get hurt, it's your own fault.

NinkyNonk1 · 19/04/2018 18:19

Even though he made it clear from when I first started talking to him he wasn't looking for a girlfriend just someone to spend time with? That's what I wanted too but I have unexpectedly started feeling this way

OP posts:
category12 · 19/04/2018 18:29

Yes, because it clears his conscience. He can have the "girlfriend experience" as such, without taking any emotional risk or responsibility.

NinkyNonk1 · 19/04/2018 18:31

Fuck sake 😢 how do I get myself out of this mess

OP posts:
category12 · 19/04/2018 18:50

Welp, you've got a number of choices.

You could tell him you're starting to have stronger feelings for him and the non-relationship thing isn't working for you any more - and he either says "OK bye" or "I feel the same way!" (yay!) or "but I'm not ready yet, but if you wait..."

Or you can go on as you are, but more cynically and aware of the potential pitfalls. Or you can go on as you are, dismissing me.

NinkyNonk1 · 19/04/2018 18:59

I'm definitely going to be more aware of the situation now and be aware that it may not potentionally go anywhere. He says he misses me but I do still get the impression he's not as into me as I am him, or maybe I just need to give him more time to get there. I think I will have to give it more time as it's not even been a month yet.

I've got a horrible feeling inside me at the moment and I don't know what it means.

I really appreciate you making the time to respond x

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 19/04/2018 20:07

Ninky I felt like that about my ex. We weren't looking for any one else and he said he saw it as a forever thing. At no point did he ever mention love and when I split up with him he said he'd never been sure about love anyway. I loved him but wasn't in love with him and all those endearing not so perfect buts soon became fucking annoying. I'd say if you're not sure, it's not being in love.

Socratease · 19/04/2018 20:10

OP, what do you want? Are you interested in marriage (or equivalent) and children? I'm going to assume yes or probably, and I also don't know your age, which matters in terms of urgency and specific advice to give you.

What I would say is that one of your previous comments, "he was scared of getting that close to someone because he doesn't want to get hurt again" would be a red flag for me. Relationships that are even in the orbit of love and commitment would entail risk, by definition. This doesn't speak well to his courage, or his interest. He should be wanting to take you off the market and be willing to be hurt and accept the opportunity cost in order to do that, so that you can't meet someone else. If he was keen on keeping this relationship in the medium or long-term, I would expect him to do that. He may change his mind in the future, of course, but why doesn't he think you are worth that already? I suggest it's worth looking into that very closely. I agree with the other PP in that he seems to be keeping his options open because he thinks he might be able to do better?

You say this man is very good looking? Perhaps you are putting up with this situation to make up for a real or perceived difference in sexual market value?

It's worth noting, on average, women have the tendency to develop feelings for men they are sexually active with after some amount of time, regardless of the quality of the partner, and this is driven by biology and biochemistry, and is to some degree independent of the quality or sexual market value of the man. In other words, you can develop feelings for a partner who is not a good partner, provider, husband, father, etc. These are pre-civilisation, gene based triggers which promote reproduction. This is not the same for men, because the risk and opportunity cost of pregnancy and childraising is higher for women than men. This is partly why we developed values and culture including marriage contracts, no sex for before marriage, chaperones, more parent involvement etc. before we had the welfare state to care for mothers without partners providing the resources.

This is all quite obvious, I know - I'm just working through socratically to reach the conclusion, which is, that it's worth understanding what is going on with your hormones and biochemistry, so that you can make the best decisions possible and optionally override your "feelings" if you need to, and seperate them from the more holistic, intellectual decision of picking the best possible partner.

If you're only looking to have fun, you have one set of factors to evaluate, and it's less important, if you're trying to find a partner for life, I recommend giving your future children the vote and imagining what they want for their ideal dad. The latter approach usually delivers the greatest amount of happiness and fulfilment. Sex with lots of people is overrated, and has a very real cost. Lots of sex with the one person is so much more satisfying, if you pick well.

This ended up being an unexpectedly long reply, and I'm fully aware I've not focussed on your clear mention that you were fine with this being a casual thing, but I wanted to offer the wisdom that maybe you actually don't want a casual thing? I don't think it's ever too early to find the perfect partner, and wasting time with time wasters isn't worth it, in my opinion, becasue your choices will diminish over time.

Anyway, that's my offering Smile

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/04/2018 20:17

@Ninkynonk1 Yes, category12 has explained it perfectly. This guy is getting you to do all the girlfriend stuff with him - without giving you the status or security of being his girlfriend.

But he's cleared his conscience in advance by telling you he's not ready for anything more.

It reminds me of this scene from Friends:

(When Joey says, "This man is my God.")
LiteraryDevil · 19/04/2018 20:19

Just seen your update that must have appeared as I was typing. Big red flags there OP. He is using you as the ok for now girl. Set your sights higher and give him the boot. It's only been a month. I questioned for weeks on whether I felt anything as wasn't sure about it all but blamed it on bad past experiences. I wish I'd listened to my gut because it was telling me gut a year this wasn't good enough.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/04/2018 20:31

you can develop feelings for a partner who is not a good partner, provider, husband, father, etc. These are pre-civilisation, gene based triggers which promote reproduction

Interestingly, studies have shown that women in fact have very high standards for sexual partners. So while men can happily shag women with whom they see no future whatsoever (because they don't fancy them, respect them, or even like them much), women typically have sex with men they find attractive, funny, of equal status, healthy, desirable, etc. So sex-only relationships are never equal, right from the start, women have always screened men much, much more stringently.

And we get bonded: oxytocin is released during sex, which creates a very strong bond. Women typically release 8 times as much as men. Plus, men's testosterone and vasopressin can cancel out the effects of their oxytocin, leaving them much less attached.

Sex is not a level playing field. Women are biologically on the back foot when it comes to sex. You might as well accept it and adapt. Shag men when you KNOW they're not going to sod off. Not in case they do.

It's all here: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B002RI9K68/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Orlandointhewilderness · 19/04/2018 20:39

Was with my dp for a couple of months when we told each other we loved each other. I still look back now after years and realise I wasn't in love with him at that point. I had love for him but I am totally in love with him now and the 2 feelings are much different. Literally no comparison of how you feel when you love some one and being in love I'm my opinion( talking romantically here).

Are you me!?! my experience completely! I felt in love with DP a couple of months in (although we had been friends for years and i had feelings for him) but now it is incredible what it is like to really, really love someone. I've been married before but it was very intense and burned out very quickly. this feels strong and steady and I am so sure I will never want anyone else. i can't even think of anyone but him and it feels as certain and as reliable as gravity.

Orlandointhewilderness · 19/04/2018 20:42

ah, oh dear. just seen your update. Doubtful this is going anywhere i'm afraid.

cforte0 · 19/04/2018 20:54

It entirely depends what you mean by love. I heard that generally when people say they're in love, and when they're brains are analysed, the same mechanisms as addiction are seen. Apologies for being so anecdotal with no references, I think I heard it on a JoeRogan or TED podcast by a woman researching it. So if that's true, I suppose if you're already addicted to the idea of love than maybe it's possible to fall in love at first sight because you see a potential for love that you already crave. It's funny that I just reread your questions and saw that you wrote "falling in love with it them", so maybe you have fallen in love with what you think could be "it" (your idea love). Whether your idea of love is correct or not is highly subjective.

NinkyNonk1 · 19/04/2018 21:24

@literarydevil so is a month long enough for him to know whether he wants me as his girlfriend? We have seen each other 2/3 times a week since we first met but have only slept together on a couple of occasions and there was no pressure from him to do this. We didn't sleep together in the first couple of weeks.

@Socratease does this still stand even though he made it clear he wasn't initially looking for a girlfriend? He has said some really lovely things about how he feels about me. How is really happy and excited about the future and I do genuinely believe he just wants to make properly sure before he suggests we make it official. How do I get on the conversation about if he thought I was worth it then he would have done so already without coming across like a complete douche?

To me he is very good looking but he may not be to others? He has a cheeky smile which I also love. The way things are going seems just to be the normal course of dating someone but I haven't really had much experience of this previously. I'd be happy to wait another month or so realistically before either of us say we want to be in a relationship with each other. I think anything beyond that I would be inclined to agree that he just wants all the girlfriend benefits without making me his girlfriend.

It is always been him that travels to me as for various reasons/childcare I cannot travel to him very easily. He is more than happy to do this. I speak to him daily on the phone and via message. Always text in the morning to say good morning etc and various things throughout the day.

Because I was also looking for just someone to spend time with rather than a relationship it obviously took me by surprise to feel what I did when I first met him and how my feelings are developing since then. I already have a child and I am only in my late 20s so I am looking to keep career focussed for the next few years at least before I start thinking about more children. I am not even sure at this stage that I want any more.

While initially I was just looking for company/fun I have now realised that I would like to be in a long term committed relationship. I have never been one just to have ONS so that isn't really relevant to me.

Thank you to everyone else who has also commented as it is helping me to look at the situation more realistically. I do think I need to give him a bit more time as at this stage I feel that he is being genuine. All my thoughts are preoccupied on the future with this man though! Where it could go, how things will be x amount of years from now. I think I am borderline obsessed with him unfortunately and I don't think that will be going away anytime soon so I just have to hope that things go how I want them to.

Tonight I have made it clear that I am worried about someone else potentially coming into his life and that I am ready for the next stage so I guess I just need to see what he comes back with from that.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 19/04/2018 21:37

Ninky I think it's impossible to put a time on it but my gut says this isn't going anywhere and you'll get hurt. Due to childcare my ex travelled an hour to see me but was soon exposed as manipulative and abusive but was so subtle that I didn't realise for a long time and I just put it down to not being used to dating and having kids etc. Listen to your gut.

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