Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Work crush... When will it stop?

44 replies

Marmite43 · 18/04/2018 11:32

Hi. I am married with kids and for the past 2 and a half years have been battling with my feelings for a guy at work. He is also married with kids, knows my feelings for him. He deals with the situation by ignoring me most of the time but the feelings will not go away. I even tried counselling last year but here I still am in this never ending rollercoaster. I kept a blog at one point thinking writing it all down would get it out my system. If you are interested in seeing how messed up I got over him you can read it www.workcrush.wordpress.com. Help... When will my feelings for him go away 😣

OP posts:

AshOutside · 18/04/2018 12:52

Surely this isn't real?

Leave the poor man alone. You're very lucky he hasn't reported you for harassment.
I feel so sorry for your husband!

EweDoEwe · 18/04/2018 12:53

Change jobs.

UndomesticHousewife · 18/04/2018 14:15

Does your husband know any of this??

scampimom · 18/04/2018 14:42

You are not in love with workman. You are in love with someone who only exists in your head. Real-life workman is trying to be a decent human being, but you are wandering into bunny boiler territory. It's not all about you, this isn't a romance, this isn't anything except an obsession based on a profound lack in your life. Leave real life workman alone, the poor sod. Don't be begging for the crumbs of someone's affections, and don't be giving the crumbs of your affection to your own family. You don't need counselling, you need a wake-up call. Believe me, as I was in a very similar place for about 3 years and it took me a long time to get out, but now that I have I can see it for what it was: nothing.

Springtrolls · 18/04/2018 15:02

Move jobs. Honestly.
I had someone like you in work. At first, I just laughed it off and said not interested, thinking this would get the message across.

My mental health has taken a battering because of this and lots of times I questioned my own behaviour and sanity wondering wtf I had done. Which was nothing. Dodging and avoiding is really, really draining. I even stopped talking to people because I was so scared of some other nutter becoming obsessed with me.

The stress of this spilt into my personal life and has had a massive impact. Obviously, there's a lot more going on behind the scenes, but that's just it, you don't know what's going on in his life and how it's affecting him.

Our bosses know, we are kept separate but still isn't stopping me from leaving.

Fiirefly · 18/04/2018 15:07

Your blog reads like an obsessive stalker. Not a lot shocks me, but I'm gobsmacked.
I think you need to find a new job and get some counselling.

He doesn't want a friendship with you. Stop trying to force someone into a friendship.

TangledSlinky · 18/04/2018 15:14

I haven't read your blog fully but you seriously need to get a grip. Your blog comes across as unhinged and stalkerish. If you continue in this way I wouldn't be surprised if you end up with a restraining order. In honesty I'm surprised he hasn't spoken to someone at work about your harassment. You need to completely leave the poor guy alone and focus on your own family who are no doubt being neglected whilst you continue to obsess about this guy.

XJerseyGirlX · 18/04/2018 15:17

Just read your blog OP. You need to change jobs and stop torturing yourself. This isn't healthy

ShesSoUnusual · 18/04/2018 15:22

Your blog makes you sound fucking batshit. I feel sorry for this man that you are harassing and for your husband.

annandale · 18/04/2018 15:23

Stop talking and writing about it and change jobs. I've just come out of a 2 month crush having utterly humiliated myself and intruded on someone's private life. I'm bloody lucky he didn't make some sort of complaint.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/04/2018 15:26

My first thought: you've written blog about this?!

Now I've read some of it my second thought is that you are lucky to still have a job.

Third thought: oh my god that poor poor bloke.

Really op I think you need some professional help with this.

enjoyingscience · 18/04/2018 15:30

Yikes mate. You need a great deal of distance from this before you end up in a lot of trouble. I'd expect to be sacked for behaving like that towards a colleague.

thetigerthatcamefortea · 18/04/2018 15:35

Assuming you are in fact real and not a troll making it up for attention.....
I can not believe you still have a job. You need to stop. You are going to find your self out of a job or arrested.
I stopped reading when you said the poor man had been given a link to read it.
You need help

Time40 · 18/04/2018 15:36

Bloody hell. You need professional help. Seriously. And you need to change jobs, and leave that poor man alone.

I hope you can get this under control, OP.

Original poster

Marmite43 · 18/04/2018 15:37

Ok so blog was written 2 years ago and I agree with all your comments. I am utterly ashamed and humiliated by my behaviour. 6 months ago I requested a transfer and have not physically seen him since. I have also had counselling. However I still think about him daily and am not going to lie still contact him but in my defence he also contacts me... Only last week he messaged me on social media. When he isn't ignoring me he still tells me personal things about his family life. I am constantly battling with my feelings. No my husband does not know. I know how it comes across and I have made huge steps to get a grip on this. I was just posting on the hope someone else had been through this but now feel even worse!

OP posts:

Addictedtohavingbabies · 18/04/2018 15:40

I couldn't read all that it's too long, but you come across unhinged. You're harrassing the poor man when he's made it obvious he couldn't be any less interested in you. I'm surprised you still have your job after all that.

XJerseyGirlX · 18/04/2018 15:49

I don't think he is being fair to you still making contact. Well done for getting a transfer and counselling. I think you may need some time on your own, your marriage doesn't sound happy and maybe you need to feel appreciated and loved and that's the reason for the obsession.
I feel sorry for you OP, it must be draining.

ShesSoUnusual · 18/04/2018 15:52

I think you sound deeply unhappy and that you have made this man the focal point in your life, to distract you from having to deal with what the real issues are.

Come on now, you are not in love with him. You don't even know him. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He doesn't want to even be friends. He just wants you to leave him alone.

Imagine what his wife would think if she read your blog? Or your husband? Or your employers?

I'm glad your having counselling. I think that's a good idea. You are clearly unhappy in your relationship though. So much so that you've created a fantasy relationship out of nothing with someone you don't even know.

You've made an arse of yourself, we all do, but it's time to stop and draw a line under this. It's time to move on. This must have had a terrible effect on your self esteem. Spend some time thinking about what it is that you're trying to escape from and what changes you'd like to make in your life to take back control of it and to move on in a healthy way.

SuperSkyRocketing · 18/04/2018 16:10

I think you sound deeply unhappy and that you have made this man the focal point in your life, to distract you from having to deal with what the real issues are.

This ^^^ with bells on. 2 and a half years trying to get over someone who you've never been in a relationship with?! You need to stop contacting him, stop indulging this fantasy, work out what the real problems are that you're hiding from, and set about fixing those problems. You're wasting your life.

ohtheholidays · 18/04/2018 16:11

It's your poor Husband I feel sorry for!

Be honest with yourself it wasn't just this man,you mentioned other men that you would flirt with,you even mentioned that as much fun as it was flirting with one man it was much better with the poor guy you've been stalking.

This is not love,it's obsession,have you ever thought about how you would feel if your DH was doing the same as you are?

Do you have an addicitive personailty Marmite your blog reads like you do,people with addictiver personalities can have intense feelings for other people without that person ever having shown any interest.

You can walk away from this and start to feel better but you need to see a specialist that has a good track record with people that have been through what your going through.

StormTreader · 18/04/2018 16:12

Well, remove him and block him on all social media is the first step.

jayne1044 · 18/04/2018 16:15

Have you researched limerence?

I hope you manage to get some perspective on your situation through counselling.

halfwitpicker · 18/04/2018 16:16

Just shag him

ElizaDontlittle · 18/04/2018 16:16

Where did you get to with your counselling? Any techniques? As if you are still messaging him there is clearly more to learn.

Is this fair to your DH? I personally think you must leave him on account of this being deeply unfair to him, the deception that is living a lie.
And you need to block all communication with this man. Admittedly he shouldn't be contacting you but I imagine he doesn't know what to do! You are very lucky not to have been arrested!
If you can't stop contacting him you need further counselling. And at least a couple of years on your own, re learning some self esteem. Good Luck OP.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 18/04/2018 16:22

I did not read your blog, but I get the just from the responses to it.
How did counseling work for you? If you still need help then perhaps find a different counselor?

When I have had obsessive thoughts about (whatever) I realized I was wasting a lot of time/brain space on it. You could try weaning yourself off the subject by allowing only a certain amount of time per day to think of him. Then gradually decrease that time. A key to make this work is to have something else to think about to fill that void. Ah hem...not another guy but perhaps a new hobby, work tasks, new recipes/menu. Exercise can give you the feel good endorphins that might dislodge any kind of psychological reward you get from thinking of him.

Other than that- can you perhaps coach yourself to just get bored with it? The same thing over and over and over (roll your eyes at yourself)...iyswim?

Flip

1 2