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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Work crush... When will it stop?

44 replies

Marmite43 · 18/04/2018 11:32

Hi. I am married with kids and for the past 2 and a half years have been battling with my feelings for a guy at work. He is also married with kids, knows my feelings for him. He deals with the situation by ignoring me most of the time but the feelings will not go away. I even tried counselling last year but here I still am in this never ending rollercoaster. I kept a blog at one point thinking writing it all down would get it out my system. If you are interested in seeing how messed up I got over him you can read it www.workcrush.wordpress.com. Help... When will my feelings for him go away 😣

OP posts:

Littlechocola · 18/04/2018 16:24

You are a stalker. You need help.

Oogle · 18/04/2018 16:28

So 2yrs on you're still obsessed? Wow.

Block him on social media, block his number, focus on you and focus on your husband. Go back to counselling.

TakingItInMyStride · 18/04/2018 16:28

Op I have requested a invite so I can read your blog my username on there is croftk95

yetmorecrap · 18/04/2018 16:43

Do you hate your husband with a vengeance? Because if you don’t, I would like you to imagine him sitting and reading this and how you would make him feel ?

JiminyBillyBob · 18/04/2018 16:47

I can’t see it despite signing up. Is it worth persevering?

StormTreader · 18/04/2018 17:48

I was also going to suggest you look up Limerance. I've had it once and its scary in the way your brain just will not be rational, it's like a mania or mental illness.

jayne1044 · 18/04/2018 17:55

You’ve been told some home truths on here and I can see you have set your blog to private.
Although I sympathise you have to realise your behaviour isn’t normal and is unlikely change without some sort of professional intervention.
Stop reaching out to this man for any form of validation or answers, as how you are feeling has nothing to do with him. Any friendship you may or may not of had with him was based on your needs alone and you haven’t once considered his feelings or your partners.
What you are feeling for this man is not love.
Try some marriage counselling and consider being honest with your husband.
You have a lot of work ahead of you but you can get over this, also see your GP as you may require medication.

Hernameisdeborah · 18/04/2018 18:23

I had a big crush on a work colleague and know how shit limerence feels. I never let on I thought of him like that though, the man would have been mortified. I've found the best way to deal with it is cut the object of your obsession out of your life completely. No contact, no texts, nothing. Seriously, change jobs asap. You don't need to be in touch with him.

seventh · 18/04/2018 18:34

You're NOT a nutter @Marmite43 because you are aware of what you're doing and you are trying to stop.

And the guy isn't helping by contacting you. He sounds like a cockwomble to me.

This is an addiction and it's just like alcohol or any drug.

You need help to wean yourself off the picture of him which you've created

The best thing would be to get to know him warts and all. You'd soon go off him because your addiction picture wouldn't be real any more - you'd see his twattish side

But you CANNOT go near him , so you need to find someone - a therapist - who can help your mind dissolve the addiction.

You can do this. Please believe me. You can.

TangledSlinky · 18/04/2018 18:57

I feel like I was a tad harsh in my initial reply to you, so wanted to quickly follow up.

When reading your blog posts, the one thing that stood out to me above all else was your way of excusing yourself of all accountability by blaming him for not being explicit enough in telling you to back off, by saying you're flirty and to hell with how that makes him feel etc.

For most people, no reply is a reply, whereas in your case I fear his politeness only helped fuel your fantasy of him. For example when you asked should you contact him whilst he was away on the training course you took his lack of response to potentially be a yes but not wanting a paper trail of encouraging you, or him not wanting to say no to you as he didn't really want you to stop. Hopefully you can see in hindsight that's an illogical thought process?

From the parts of your blog I managed to read before you set it to private you've driven yourself half crazy trying to find hidden meaning in what to an outsider was a very obvious message. I really feel you're doing yourself no favours by being in touch with this man, and as PP have suggested, you need to go completely cold turkey where he's concerned and make no further contact with him. You need to treat it like an addiction. It won't be easy, the first step is always the hardest and all that, but I feel the mere fact you've posted in the first place shows you're ready to make that change.

FriendlyOcelot · 18/04/2018 19:02

I think that by knowing it is limerence, not some ‘unrequited love tragedy where you were meant to be but can’t be’, can help you to see it for what it is; an imbalance in the brain I guess, and as others have said, an unhealthy addiction to someone who at some point along the line ticked a massive box in your search for self-validation.

Please, take the romance out of it and speak harshly to yourself. You have to go through a period of being so strict with the part of you that wants to fall into the fantasy, by drawing a line under it all. Tell yourself it meant nothing, means nothing, and never will mean anything! You have to reset your cognitive thought patterns now, because it’s become a habit. Good luck op

FellOutOfBed2wice · 19/04/2018 17:15

I’m a bit of an expert on limerance having been in a relationship where at different times we were limerant on one another and then we got together and it was bloody dreadful. Would love to read your blog and offer advice but it seems to be locked/private now?

Original poster

Marmite43 · 19/04/2018 18:09

Thanks everybody. Yesterday I was thinking what an earth have I done sharing this deeply personal stuff on my first ever post on a forum. Today I am so glad I did. Some of the comments made me feel physically sick and ashamed however I have looked into limerence due to a couple of your comments. It so fits what I am experiencing... I have read others experiences and feel that I can get over this. I have blocked him on social media, deleted the text messages and his number. The only way it seems is absolutely no contact. I am determined as I definitely don't want to spend any more time feeling like this. Onwards and upwards 😊

OP posts:

seventh · 19/04/2018 18:27

Well done. Very proud of you 🌟

Hernameisdeborah · 19/04/2018 21:52

Excellent. It will be hard at first but you'll be well over this soon and life will get easier xx

OldBook · 20/04/2018 01:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laurel543 · 20/04/2018 03:28

Sounds really positive. Good work Marmite!

OldBook · 20/04/2018 05:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuentinSummers · 24/04/2018 16:43

@fellout I would like to know too

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