how to deal with the Silent Treatment

[R3ALLY]

Here we go again - had a row with DH a couple of days ago. Fault on both sides, he says and I'm not going to argue that point now. But since then it has been the dreaded silent treatment. Text communication about the kids only. Low sad 'hello' when I come into the room then silence. Back turned in bed. I hate this and it pushes all my buttons - I know it's the wrong thing to do but I keep trying to make him talk, 'please talk to me I'm begging you' etc - and that just makes things worse. 'Why are you in my face, I need to be left alone'. etc etc. I cracked last night and said we needed marriage counselling because this is not the first time and there are other issues to be discussed to. And instead I got rage - 'you did something wrong, I'm upset about it, I need time to get over it and here you are making it all about you and turning it back on me'. All this with me whispering so the kids don't hear and his voice getting louder as 'if the kids are upset then its your fault becuase you started this, I just wanted to be left alone'.
Christ. It sounds worse written down. How do I cope with this? He says if I could just leave him alone he will come around 'eventually' but I hate living in this atmosphere. I'm sick to the stomach as well thinking of the effect on the kids but again he says that's my fault. Any advice? Please?

I'm like you, I really struggle when someone locks me out. I know people will immediately scream abuse and I know many people do use it as a punishment but I also think there are a lot of people who just genuinely don't know how to handle a disagreement and need time to digest it and probably bury it never to be spoken of again. Obviously not healthy. My ex used to disappear for four days into the attic bedroom. I saw that as cruel. My dh also does it but for a couple of hours maximum to sort his head out and he will reassure me beforehand that we can talk after he's come out of it and discuss a way forward. Lots of people won't agree that a man has a right to thinking space, but I think its healthy and fair.

If your relationship is otherwise good. I would suggest a conversation where you decide how to deal with disagreements that allow you to feel safe to leave him to it and him to expedite his time segregating himself from you. The atmosphere will completely change if you both feel safe to disagree.

My advice would be leave (or ask him to go), no-one should be subjected to the silent treatment for days on end and the family should not have to tiptoe around him until he feels like speaking again. There is a world of difference between needing a bit of thinking space and acting like a bully and your husband is definitely in the latter camp.

Fair point oneman but what is wrong here OP is that your DH is blaming you for everything. You were 'wrong' in the first place, it's you that's upsetting the kids, you started it, you're turning it all onto him.. this is abusive bit.

People argue. Generally both are at fault if it's usual domestic / kids stuff. It's not right or healthy to maintain this silent punishment. I think you're right to push for counselling.

I am guessing you actually did nothing wrong and he is just an abusive man.

Thanks everyone. There are unresolved issues in the relationship which I'd like to have counselling for anyway but it's such a rollercoaster - when things are good I don't want to rock the boat by suggesting it and then when things are bad I can't! I just feel like I'm being treated like a naughty toddler right now which pushes my buttons even more

Was the row about something fundamental, serious and potentially life changing?

Urgh! I hate the silent treatment. It’s what toddlers do because they havent yet developed the language skills to express how they’re feeling. Adults have no excuse for silent treatment other than to punish and hurt their partner.

Having said that, he has actually told you he is upset and needs time to get over it which is fair enough isn’t it? Most of us take time to process things.

In your shoes I would tell him that you respect his need to process his feelings but that it is unacceptable to emotionally punish you for having a disagreement. He is an adult and he is capable of treating everyone in his life respectfully whilst also requesting some time to deal with his upset.

I would be telling him to grow up i couldnt be dealing with that , would he do it at work if a colleague disagrees with him i doubt it so why is it ok to do that to you

He asks to be left alone and he tells you that this is the way of dealing with things.

Let him be.

Can you get counselling for yourself?
Understand why you put up with this sort of treatment.
I see you have DC so this is probably why you put up with it but you shouldn't.
It's stonewalling abuse and it's a horrible form of control.
Some people do need to calm down - totally.
But for days on end!!???
No way - that's just punishing you and putting you in your place.
Get some counselling for you. If you need to stay, learn from the counselling how to handle it.
But for now, just ignore him totally.
Do nothing for him at all.
He's not communicating and you don't need to either.
Childish as it sounds - he needs a taste of his own medicine.
Can you go out for the evening to get yourself away from it all?
Plan to have this weekend away from him with the kids and really think about what your future looks like.
Think about the impact on your DC and their future relationships.
They learn to model from what they see at home.
Would you be happy if they were with a person like this?
If it's not good enough for your DC then it's not good enough for you either.

I would contact Womens Aid in your particular circumstances.

No do not put up with this, cope with this and do not try and cajole him out of his sulk either. It will not do your children any favours for them to keep on seeing their dad do this either. Would you want them to have a relationship like this; no you would not. You should not either.

Joint counselling with such an abusive person is really a waste of time and is infact not recommended. If counselling is to be done at all you would be far better off going on your own to gather your thoughts properly. Things are likely to be rarely good nowadays in your house anyway and when they are good these are likely to be solely on his own terms.

His sulkiness which is really another form of emotional abuse towards you is his responsibility alone. Its not yours and never has been.

Certainly do not beg him to talk to you!!

Ignore him. Leave him to it. Carry on life as normal. when he decides to blessing you with his company again ask him if he is done with his little toddler tantrum

Why are you begging him to talk?

Try something different. Tell him to ‘fuck off elsewhere until you’re over yourself you passive aggressive twat’ and just get on with life.

This sort of this is hugely damaging to children. When he’s talking again have a sit down conversation about how your relationship isn’t working in it’s oresent form and it needs intervention or a discussion on splitting up.

I had a boyfriend who used to do this to me back in my younger days. Was only several years later that I realised he was emotionally abusive (thanks to an ad campaign).

My ex was like your husband ... he'd blame me for his moods, insult my vocabulary and thinking processes.

Odious bloody man.

This needs addressed OP - i wish you all the best. Dont be too hard on yourself.

Yeah just give him a blow job. That’s all that’s wrong

Susan - if i'd tried that with my ex, it would have escalated his bad behaviour unfortunately - he resented me spectacularly and to the point where there was no sex.

3 years married at that point with two small children....

No answers, but lots of understanding. My DH didn’t speak to me for six months, bar things like ‘Are you collecting DD’ . He only started again because the DCs were clearly upset, not because he wanted to speak to me.

He has aspergers and I find it so difficult to draw a line between ASD and abuse. We are still together and things are good at the moment but we have had some shit times.

Susan I seriously hope you are taking the piss!!???
If not, then please read up on 'stonewalling abuse' and the effects it has on households, other halves and children.
It's abuse.
No amount of bedroom antics will change the fact the OP is with an abuser!!!
Wow - the sheer lack of understanding of some people is astounding!

Please don't stand for this type of behaviour - my parents (usually prompted by my dad) did it frequently. At one point when my brother and I were in our early teens they didn't speak to each other for nineteen months. It was absolutely hell. My dad also did it to me for six months when he didn't like a boyfriend I was going out with. It's the one lasting memory of my childhood, and it's been really damaging. I've never been able to sustain a relationship and a weird relationship between my parents probably hasn't helped.

Susan lives under a bridge

OP it’s stonewalling. It’s abusive control at the level you describe.

He sounds like a nasty prick.

Silent treatment is childish and any adult displaying it is worthy of the highest contempt. It is extremely unattractive. I had an ex like this. It was a major factor in the breakup

Awful, it's passive aggressive and yes under the banner of abuse, you are both showing your kids that to resolve any kind of conflict you punish the other person by ignoring them, it's not right and he is treating you appallingly, this is not how adults who respect each other behave.