how to deal with the Silent Treatment

[R3ALLY]

Here we go again - had a row with DH a couple of days ago. Fault on both sides, he says and I'm not going to argue that point now. But since then it has been the dreaded silent treatment. Text communication about the kids only. Low sad 'hello' when I come into the room then silence. Back turned in bed. I hate this and it pushes all my buttons - I know it's the wrong thing to do but I keep trying to make him talk, 'please talk to me I'm begging you' etc - and that just makes things worse. 'Why are you in my face, I need to be left alone'. etc etc. I cracked last night and said we needed marriage counselling because this is not the first time and there are other issues to be discussed to. And instead I got rage - 'you did something wrong, I'm upset about it, I need time to get over it and here you are making it all about you and turning it back on me'. All this with me whispering so the kids don't hear and his voice getting louder as 'if the kids are upset then its your fault becuase you started this, I just wanted to be left alone'.
Christ. It sounds worse written down. How do I cope with this? He says if I could just leave him alone he will come around 'eventually' but I hate living in this atmosphere. I'm sick to the stomach as well thinking of the effect on the kids but again he says that's my fault. Any advice? Please?

Thank you everyone. This is not the first time. I'm getting a few texts now about practical things... ground work being laid for us to talk again. But this will happen again. What's killing me is that I'm sitting here worrying about him... the effect this will have on him and his mental health (there are issues there). Yet he says I'm selfish and only think about myself. If I didn't have kids... but I do, so need to manage the situation as it is.

Silent treatment, stonewalling, call it what you will, it’s all about emotional control over you! He’s not ‘getting over it, or needing time so e’ it’s about punishing you!

Go and get councilling for yourself and hopefully this will allow you to see him for what he is, rather than to be worrying about him

I think you need to address the wider issues in your marriage however for the immediate issue:

Silent treatment is attention seeking and highly manipulative.

The person doesn’t want you to leave them alone. They want you to be miserable and desperate for them to talk to you.

The most effective response is not to play their game. So don’t give them attention and don’t be manipulated.

Plaster a cheerful smile on your face and breeze about happily as if everything was fine.

Ignore PA comments and respond as if they haven’t been rude.

Never mention the fact that they are ignoring you/grumpy/rude etc

If they mention it just shrug and say that their feelings are their own responsibility.

Be cheerful and smiley, breezy and brisk.

It drives them insane and breaks the silent treatment faster than any other approach I’ve found.

People who do this want attention and want you to be miserable. So cheerfully ignore them.

OP, please stop allowing utter dick of a man manipulate you into feeling sorry for him, does he feel sorry for you, no, he seems to enjoy breaking you down, this is not normal and not fair; you need to stand up for yourself and stop taking the blame for everything, he is using you as a punch bag.

" If I didn't have kids... but I do, so need to manage the situation as it is"

Do you? Children learn about relationships by watching their parents-do you want them thinking that this is how it is and carrying it on into their adult lives? Because they will.

My DH does this. Upset me for a long time until I wised up. Dont give a flying fuck now and just leave him to stew in his own juice until he decides to join the human race again.. I eat what I want, watch I want on TV and enjoy the space of being on my own in a king sized bed. I used to try and cajole, reason with him and try to understand. Bollocks to that now. He gets fed up before I do. Wouldnt be happy if children were in the house though.

Jusr carry on as normal - it really fucks them off because it means they are not manipulating you.

Agree that silent treatment is manipulative and meant to punish you. I grew up with it (from a parent) and can't bear it. It's not his way of dealing with conflict or hurt, it's his way of punishing you.

you can guarantee that the children will be aware of it too by the way.

I wouldn't personally put up with it I'm afraid - I hated it growing up and won't tolerate it now.

alternatively, as susan says, just give him a blow job

Some people are fiery (like me).When I get angry which is not very often I tend to really blow a fuse but when it happens it is BAD.A half an hour later I am fine and the argument or problem is dealt with because what needs to be said has been said.When my husband and I had our first arguments he could not believe how I could explode so much and then calm down so quickly .His mom used to use the silent treatment on him always and once when he was teenager did not speak to him for two months! I can barely manage five minutes
Its probably the way he learned to deal with arguments .Not too sure if its good advice to leave him just because you are getting the silent treatment.I would say just carry on as normal even if you end up in a monologue just as cotton gusset suggested.

Such behaviour like your H shows you is often learnt from one or both parents. Its deeply ingrained within his psyche and it is for your children that you should make plans to leave this man. What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?

My EA ex was like this. He couldn't communicate, discuss, face reality, negotiate or generally hold a proper conversation and was usually in denial. Refused any form of counselling, there was 'nothing wrong with him'.

My stomach would be in a not, my mind all over the place, couldn't concentrate on work/family life properly, so worried and anxious when he would not speak for 3-4 days at a time. It was awful. I had no idea what he was thinking, what he intended to do , what it all meant, what precisely I had done or said to start the silent rage. All the time trying to look after 2 small boys who had done nothing wrong...just knew they had a very angry dad, but not knowing why.

We divorced in the end. The black cloud lifted then and we had a happy normal family life from then on.

What do you do? how do you deal with it?

You give him the Silent treatment of a kind

Silently opening the door with a bin bag of his shit and point him in the direction of said door.

Close door and then start living a life where people show you respect and love, where nobody walks on eggshells, where your kids learn that it's despicable to treat anyone like that

Stop worrying about him, he's abusing you with this mental torture and your kids ARE suffering as a result.

Tbh sometimes I give my dh the silent treatment but I wouldn't for a second say I'm an emotional abuser. In just go very quiet after any argument, it's my way of dealing with it and I come out of it when I'm ready. I need time to process what's happened, what's been said, his views, my views etc. Dh is more of a 'forget it and move on' type of person. Sometimes we go to bed not speaking but the next morning he will act normal and I barely speak to him.

We don't argue often but this is the usual routine when we do. Then when I'm ready, we talk about it and move on.

I'm just way more sensitive than he is, I need time to get over the argument and whatever caused it. And I suppose while doing this, I'm giving him the silent treatment. But I'm not doing it out of spite or to make the situation worse. It's just the way I deal with things.

What do people argue about that’s so serious?

He has you very well controlled doesn't he? When things are 'good' you daren't bring up any of the issues, when things are 'bad' he just won't speak to you at all. So he gets to stop you from ever expressing any of your needs.

I think it's absolutely fine to say 'Look I'm feeling really wound up, I'm going to calm down and then we'll talk' - that's healthy and sensible, as long the person really does talk once they're feeling more stable.

But someone who just goes silent and acts like a stroppy toddler is just ridiculous, manipulative, immature and not worth being around.

The only way to deal with a sulker, IME, is to pretend you don't notice the sulking at all. My mother is a sulker and it got to the point when I was a teen when I just decided to act as if she wasn't sulking - I'd talk normally to her, pretend she'd answered me when didn't, act totally happy and unbothered around her. TBH it was a little bit too effective - it made her look like an enormous dickhead, it really made her seem ridiculous.

Now, she never ever sulks around me. She still sulks around other people though!

beachcomber243, very vivid description of the impact of stonewalling.

Everyone has their own emotional responses but its not healthy to ignore your partners emotions for an extended period of time.It leads to disconnection which impacts love.It's absolutely unkind at a minimum to ignore your partner.It would not be tolerated in a work situation so why at home?

bitzy12, if your partner was trying to talk to you do you continue to ignore?
I hear what you say but think it's selfish and fundamentally immatur as your focus is on you during this time not your partner.
We encourage children to not sulk and by a certain age it is frowned on as generally emotionally immature.

For sulkers out there, it's best to try to get yourself out of this habit..our thoughts impact our feelings so change your thoughts and you will change how you feel.

Ask the person directly why they clam up, and let them know how it makes you feel. If you are met with defensiveness or a lack of empathy for your feelings, you'll know you are dealing with a toxic personality

I agree with this.If a partner doesn't care about the impact on you feelings then they are likely to be toxic.

@lifebegins50 no I always speak to him if he speaks to me. I don't totally ignore him. I'll still make him a coffee on a morning and say 'bye have a nice day' when he leaves for work. I'm very aware of the dcs and don't make an atmosphere in front of them And tbf, I'd never speak to him like ops partner does. But I do find it hard to act normal when I still feel upset. So I won't be as 'lovely dovey' with him basically. I won't be rolling over to give him a cuddle first thing on a morning like a normally would do.

If you’re using silence as a way of communication, if you’re showing your displeasure with your partner by refusing to acknowledge them, if you’re starving them of your love/attention/energy in response to something you’re unhappy with as opposed to discussing it and dealing with your own emotions like an equal, then it’s higly manipulative and extremely damaging behaviour.

The effects on the relationship and the other person are real, they are irreversible and will eat away at them as people and their affection for you.

The silent treatment or stonewalling is one of THE most manipulative and effective emotional tactics of abusers there is.

Silent treatment is a form of control. I was in a relationship like this. I now have to co parent with him. It's frustrating to say the least. Counselling could help, even if it's just you that attends.

Ignore Susan. She/It has already started on the prosecco...