Advice needed about sexless relationship with older man who has lied about things

[springduck]

I would just appreciate some advice or some similar stories. I'm 23 and been with DP who is 42 for nearly a year and half. Things are generally very good and we have some similar interests and he's kind and generous to me and treats me well. However, since being together we have only had sex about 9 times. He partly blames this on his Christian faith but generally avoids the conversation at all costs. He knows I would rather not be celibate but he is awkward about it.

On top of this, there have been a number of incidents where I have discovered that he has been giving large amounts of money to a female friend who he has known for a long time. She is unwell and often sends him messages asking for money. I have looked at his phone and seen these messages and he continues to lie to me about it. Recently I discovered that he had given a very large sum of money to another woman who currently owes him a lot of other money. I came clean and admitted to him that I had seen this and he was full of apologies etc. However we have both avoided the situation and haven't discussed it properly.

Just looming for advice on how to go forward and deal with these issues.

Date someone who wants to have sex with you and doesn't lie to you instead

Going forward you need to dump him.

Does he have children with these women? Is he paying them for sex? You're entangled with someone you don't know.

What are you getting out of the relationship?
Can you manage with little to no sex?
Why did you look at his phone? It’s his money why does it bother you who he chooses to give it to?

This relationship is a total waste of time. Do yourself a favour and get rid.

Find someone younger who can perform in bed and have an enjoyable sex life!
Just re-read your post.
What would you tell a friend?
This guy is old enough to be your dad. Now if he could perform and was young in many other ways, then not so much of an issue, but.... He can't. And he's helping out other women.
Please run and don't look back.
Why are you staying???
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
RUN - DON'T WALK!!!!!

Stop burying your head in the sand.
Walk away and get out there and enjoy your young young life!!!
Stop wasting on this creep!

End it. He either doesn't want you sexually, is having sex with these women, or is possibly gay.
He's also a liar.

Raise your standards and enjoy being in your twenties.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I know looking at his phone is wrong but I have trust issues and he knows this. I have apologised to him. He has generally been very good to me but things have felt a bit different til I found out about the recent monetary gift. Part of me thinks we should talk about it but the other part of me thinks there is no point as we won't get anywhere and he will continue doing what he wants regardless. He says he feels awful and he just separates me from it.

With regards to sex, he has made comments before about sex being for procreation etc and saying he isn't ready for children.

To be honest, its his money, he can do what he likes with it (appreciate the idea of him bailing these other women out must be frustrating - but at the same time you said he is very generous to you.)

Re: sex, if he's not ready for children at 42 he probably won't ever be. If this is important to you I'd start rethinking the relationship and date someone closer to your own age.

I'd end it.

It's all a bit weird, isn't it. You won't have peace of mind with him. Or a warm bed...

@springduck

"With regards to sex, he has made comments before about sex being for procreation etc and saying he isn't ready for children."

He's talking shit. Have you asked him what he thinks would be acceptable if you were having children? Once a month when you ovulate? Get pregnant and then have no sex for 10 years?
You know you can have things that are dealbreakers for you, like a sexless relationship.
You are so young. I really think when you are older that you will look back at this and wonder what you were doing with a 42 year old man who you weren't intimate with.

You have trust issues and he lies to you, think of yourself here and dump him asap.

He's dodgy and you've got low self esteem it seems!
Why would you put up with all of this?
He isn't ready for children at 42?! Please don't have any with him if he does decide he's ready.
There is nothing good about this.

Seriously, listen to what everyone is saying to you. You deserve so much better - you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Love should be joyful, uplifting and happy. He is not the right person for you. Please leave him.

Re-read your thread title - it says it all! Just get rid. You're 23.

End it, he doesn’t sound trustworthy to me, seems a bit suspicious to be honest

His lies indicate he is not invested in a relationship with you. He is using you.

Normally this would be for sex...I mean someone 19 years younger: hell yeah!

But he isn’t doing that- so this jumps into headfuckery zone with both feet.

You do not need to know why, or how, or what will fix it, or moving forward. You just need to have your boundary of what is acceptable to you. This is not acceptable, therefore end it and find someone who is compatible with your expectations.
You can expect sex. Yes.
You can also expect to not be lied to. Yes. You can expect at some point to be exclusive. Yes.
If you want children then you do. If he doesn’t then that is a no and you find someone else. “Not being ready” is a “no”. Any answer that is not a yes- is a no. (It isn’t the right time...I need more money...let’s move house first...etc) Do not expect to change his mind; just move on.

This relationship isn’t working for you. Good Bye.
That’s all you need to say.

This is unlikely to improve!

I'm 30 years older than you with an older boyfriend & having a lot more sex than you are!!!

The lying is the big thing though - worse than the sex thing.

If this is something he’s done continuously, and lies to you about (giving money to other woman) perhaps there is a form of sexual gratification or gratification of some sort???

I understand he treats you very well otherwise, so it must be very difficult to take on and so hurtful.
You don’t have sex, he has no desire to, he’s lied to you, he’s 42 and not ‘ready for children’ .... you’re 24 with your whole life ahead of you. I regret not grabbing my 20s by the horns, make sure yours is one to remember!
You obviously want a relationship and seem fully committed, your 20s doesn’t need to be a string of men for it to be fun (not suggesting that’s what you want) , but your 20s , as with any other decade of your life, can be fun without a man, or with a man with whom you’re not afraid will lie to you again, and a man who wants to have sex with you

This is a terrible, terrible relationship. It doesn't have to be such hard work. It's okay to break up and hope for something better in the future.

I think 1.5 years is quite a common timeframe for things to wrap themselves up naturally. I think a lot of people will recognise from your post that this is exactly what's happening here.

Love how being a Christian allows him not to have sex with you, but instead to lie to you

Dump

Lies are bad. Weird attitude to sex is bad. BUT I am curious why you think he should be answering to you regarding giving his money to his friends? Do you have joint finances? You confronted him and he is probably not comfortable so he lies (which is not good), but I still think you are overstepping here.