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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed about sexless relationship with older man who has lied about things

47 replies

springduck · 17/04/2018 11:33

I would just appreciate some advice or some similar stories. I'm 23 and been with DP who is 42 for nearly a year and half. Things are generally very good and we have some similar interests and he's kind and generous to me and treats me well. However, since being together we have only had sex about 9 times. He partly blames this on his Christian faith but generally avoids the conversation at all costs. He knows I would rather not be celibate but he is awkward about it.

On top of this, there have been a number of incidents where I have discovered that he has been giving large amounts of money to a female friend who he has known for a long time. She is unwell and often sends him messages asking for money. I have looked at his phone and seen these messages and he continues to lie to me about it. Recently I discovered that he had given a very large sum of money to another woman who currently owes him a lot of other money. I came clean and admitted to him that I had seen this and he was full of apologies etc. However we have both avoided the situation and haven't discussed it properly.

Just looming for advice on how to go forward and deal with these issues.

OP posts:

Justaboy · 17/04/2018 14:42

It ain't the age gap men can haved sex right into their 70's these days if they want to, there are some other issues here that need adressing seems a very odd relationship to me you have there.

Hills etc are thataway! >>>

Wadingthroughshit · 17/04/2018 14:42

I don’t know if OP is overstepping, depends if he declares his discomfort about it? It is his money of course, I think OP aware, however I think the reason partly that she is posting is because she feels that he may get some form of gratification that he does not with her? I have a friend who, when she was in her very early twenties had a guy give her money, he wanted to as a form of gratification. She hardly accepted anything so the guy soon moved on

Crispbutty · 17/04/2018 14:45

You are wasting some of the best years of your life here. Get rid of him and you will meet someone who makes you much happier.

backsackcraic · 17/04/2018 14:47

I'd dump and run. You can't trust him. You've no physical relationship and you don't seem to get much out of the relationship. You're too young to settle for this.

Slievenamon · 17/04/2018 14:48

How many times are you going to post about this guy OP? You never listen anyway.

AnaViaSalamanca · 17/04/2018 14:48

Wadingthroughshit you are right, hadn't considered that angle at all. Thought he was just helping out an old friend or something and OP was being controlling about it.

Wadingthroughshit · 17/04/2018 14:57

@slievenamon you jumped the gun a bit there, this has nothing to do with me...I’m posting on others to help where possible if I have some experience . And I did listen...I’ve been NC nearly a week (albeit a slip today) ... so let’s focus on OP.

Slievenamon · 17/04/2018 14:58

so let’s focus on OP

I clearly was, I have no clue who you are or what you even said.

Daifuku9 · 17/04/2018 15:02

You’re young, he’s not old but is at an age where he’s settled in his ways.

Really, with what you describe, ditch him as a partner. Stay friends, perhaps, and enjoy single life and eventually finding a new partner with more in common with you, who doesn’t lie to you.

UnderTheDesk · 17/04/2018 15:06

I clearly was, I have no clue who you are or what you even said.

Sorry, but I'm loling.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/04/2018 16:30

There is literally no point whatsoever in this 'relationship' unless your life's ambition is to waste it on a lying, fairly useless partner.

trojanpony · 17/04/2018 17:43

My advice when I read the title only was “stop having a sexless relationship”

Having read the post my advice is
“stop having a sexless relationship”

The hill are this way —> —> —>
RUUUUUNNNN

Platterheed · 17/04/2018 19:01

OP you are so young to be wasting your time on this man.

I too would be curious to know why a partner of any age was quietly giving money to women, unless he had children with them. Because it would raise questions that relate to your trust if you couldn’t put the act in context. Why do these females ask him for money? I wouldn’t even try to find out for now. The truth usually finds its way to you anyway.

Do you know his friends? Are they normal? He doesn’t really seem to be. A 42 year old man would expect a 20 something to want sex. To expect you to continue without it is a bit much. Is he controlling in any way?

Trust me on this please - once you start glossing over his lies yourself, you are in serious shit.

Ditch. Ditch him now and don’t ever assume the age of a man equates to any form of wisdom. An old player is an old player.

Do not give him any more of your glorious 20’s. There are a lot of adventures to be had. Looking at his phone to work out what is going on is not one of them.

Josuk · 17/04/2018 19:05

OP - did you post about money lending before?
There was a thread on something similar.

It’s his money and he doesn’t have to justify anything to you.
As to sex - this isn’t a relationship.

With that age difference and no sex - there is not really a relationship

Whocansay · 17/04/2018 19:13

Honestly, what is the point of this 'relationship'? You don't trust him and don't have sex. His money, is his business, tbh, but it is weird! It's even weirder that you haven't talked about it.

The sex thing is not about Christianity. The horse has bolted. And as a PP mentioned, his Christianity isn't stopping him from telling you lies.

There is lots wrong here. Why haven't you dumped him already? This really isn't normal.

Greenyogagirl · 17/04/2018 19:15

His name doesn’t begin with M does it

Original poster

springduck · 17/04/2018 19:27

Nope.... it doesn't begin with M.

OP posts:

Greenyogagirl · 17/04/2018 19:28

Phew that’s alright then! I know someone of the same age who gives money to different women, he’s a soft touch!
For the record I think you deserve better

Swallowfalls · 17/04/2018 23:41

Aside from everything else you and he dont appear to communicate well at all. He avoids talking about things he knows bother you and is 'awkward' and you are reduced to looking through his phone because you don't feel you can ask him what's going on. Doesn't sound great does it OP, sorry

AnyFucker · 17/04/2018 23:47

Last time I checked, Christian faith doesn't condone dishonesty

Disingenuous fucker, ain't he ?

mm2one · 18/04/2018 03:46

Hi OP, your story doens't make a lot of sense to me.

Re: the money. Its his money and you are not married. Whether he chooses to donate him money to a rescue dogs or gives it to some women -- its his money. He can do what he wants with it. Are you two married? If not, then he owes you no explanation what he is doing with his money.

Why is he giving money to these women? I have no idea. You could confront him and ask him. I am sure there is a good reason. It could be all sorts of reasons, only he would know.

Re: the sex. There is no hard and fast rule of what is normal amount of sex. Every relationship is different. Some people have sex once every other day, some people have sex once every month, some people have sex once every 6 months, some once every few years.

His story that he believes sex is only for procreation sounds strange, but maybe that's what he believes. Its next to impossible to judge him based on someone elses criteria of what is normal because ,quite frankly, there is no such thing as normal when it comes to attitudes towards frequency of sex.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 18/04/2018 04:19

You’re 23. Why are you wasting your time on this boring old twat? Trust me, any 40+ guy who is interested in a woman half is age is very likely to be a useless dishrag which is why women his own age aren’t interested.

You’ll have more fun with guys your own age.

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