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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU to feel resentful?

36 replies

PoppyMK · 17/04/2018 05:06

Our first child has just turned 2 and just before she was born we moved house to a much more expensive area, taking on a much bigger mortgage. DH subsequently resigned from his job (which was reasonably well-paid, providing about a third of our household income) quite suddenly, and without any detailed discussion with me. He was always very stressed out with his job and therefore had previously made some throwaway comments that if he hated his job that much he should resign and look after child (I meant temporarily until he found another job). At the time he promised that’s within a year he would have another proper job. It’s now over a year since he resigned and although he has some part time work it is irregular and not well paid, it probably makes up about 1/6th of what he previously earnt. As a result of not being able to rely on when money comes in, I have to pay for everything for the household from my wages. This leaves us with very nominal amount (less than £50) per month left over, and we have no savings. I would prefer to sell the house, but a smaller one (or in a worse area) and be able to reduce the stress. DH flat out refuses to sell the house and has threatened to break up the relationship if I force it. My ultimate dream is to be able to work 3 or 4 days a week so I can spend time with our children, as I spent my 20s and 30s working hard to earn good money so I could one day do this. DH has now announced he wants to retrain (uni course for 4 years) which leaves no prospect of any extra income from him for that time, and he will earn less than he did before once he’s retrained. I feel let down that I am forced to maintain a house which we cannot afford (there’s no way I’d get our existing mortgage on just my wages), and that there appears to be no recognition of the sacrifice I have been asked to make (work a stressful job for 40 Hrs a week and commute for 10, miss out on my kids). This makes me so down and every time I try to talk to DH about it he just flies off the handle. I’m at a loss as to what to do. Do I just make myself unhappy for the sake of keeping the family together?

OP posts:

Situp · 17/04/2018 05:11

Do you have all the figures written down so he can see what comes in and what goes out? This is usually a good starting point for a conversation about money.

Present it as "Let's look at how to make this work for you to do your course"

He can't have it both ways but you just need to find a better way of saying that.

Mind you, if he is threatening to leave you over downsizing, maybe he is just a twat?

category12 · 17/04/2018 07:42

He can't have it all ways. I'd say we'll downsize and split up, or we'll downsize, up to you.

Beaverhausen · 17/04/2018 07:47

You are definately not being unreasonable, I think your DH is being very selfish and if it was me I would be sitting down with him. Telling him he has a decision to make the house gets sold and the two of you go your separate ways.

By the sounds of it it is either his way or the highway.

I do hope you get it sorted and get to talk some sense into him.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 17/04/2018 07:52

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
His position makes no real sense. He seems to be saying “I don’t want to sell the house and if you try to insist on it, I will leave you and we will sell the house”. There is no magic scenario where splitting up leads to him keeping your existing home so I don’t see how he thinks that is a point worth making.
What would happen if you called his bluff and said that you simply cannot keep paying the mortgage under the current circumstances and, if he feels that this is a reason to leave you, up would with sadness accept his decision?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 17/04/2018 07:53

*you would, with sadness, accept his position.

Phillipa12 · 17/04/2018 07:57

Hes being a massive selfish twat....whats the worse that happens? You force the sale of the house, he leaves you, you get a more afordable home and more time with your dc and less stress and he will have to get off his arse and get a job to pay for his own house. Hes banking on you not having the balls to do it and just towing the line, why do this to yourself, he has no respect for what you contribute and never will, this is not how a family works.

pog100 · 17/04/2018 08:05

No one is going to see his point in this, because he is being a ridiculous immature idiot, either with his head in the clouds or deliberately using you. Either way, take charge, sort things the way you know they need to be and let him decide whether to fuck off.

Cricrichan · 17/04/2018 08:08

He's being completely unreasonable and selfish! If you sell the house and split, you could work on the days he has the kids and be off with them on the days you have the kids.

venusandmars · 17/04/2018 08:10

But if he is SAHD with a small child then maybe the OP will see less of her dc, and have to pay for spousal support and child support - it's what would happen if the genders were reversed.

He is being unreasonable if the house is unaffordable but presumably when he was working you were paying childcare costs? If dh went to uni are there childcare provisions? Could he get a part-time weekend job? Is there a compromise where you could support his career change if he accepts a house move?

Quartz2208 · 17/04/2018 08:10

He can’t have it both ways and the house would have to be sold if you split up

Mamabear12 · 17/04/2018 08:10

I would also wonder how invested he is in the relationship if he threatens the relationship because you want to downsize? How would you feel if you stayed in this expensive house, working all these hours, while he attends Uni again for four years, while you are paying for EVERYTHING and then he decides to split after all that? These types of scenarios are not unheard of....I would go with the - "You can not have it all ways, marriages are about compromise. Here are the suggestions, which are fair - if you want to attend Uni again we must down size as we can not afford this. Or you can get a full time job again and we stay in the house. You can not have your cake and eat it too."

LongWalkShortPlank · 17/04/2018 08:14

Someone who would threaten to leave over a house isn't bothered about the relationship anyway. Cut your losses and do what's best for you and your children.

category12 · 17/04/2018 08:15

Also you say first child - that suggests more dc are a possibility? You really need to come to a compromise about how this will all work before you do anything foolish (like having a second ).

Probably offer to be supportive over his course, as long as the stress of the too-large mortgage and reducing your hours are given the same support by him by downsizing.

stayathomegardener · 17/04/2018 08:16

I think he may want to split and is setting himself up for maintenance from you.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2018 10:32

Your husband has become an anchor around your neck and both of you are going to drown. How nice for him that he gets to totally duck all financial responsibility while you bear all the burden. I would be telling him to straighten out and get a decent job or the relationship is over.

Adora10 · 17/04/2018 10:48

I cannot believe your husband is expecting you to keep carrying him, he's an adult no, he sounds like a petulant child and you are his mother and provider; he seems to see you as a cash cow OP and has no respect for what you are doing, I'd bin him just for that, never mind the fact he's a cocklodger and has been for a long time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/04/2018 10:56

I think you need to call his bluff and say downsizing isn’t negotiable. But depending on how old your child is and how established him being the primary career is I’d be pretty worried, as others have said, about him going for being the resident and you seeing less of them and having to support him financially. Is your child school age?

Start to look at alternative houses and let him know you mean business. Are you willing to divorce if that’s where it’s heading? Get your ducks in a row and go and see a solicitor so you’re informed about what to expect. It’ll be an investment in your future knowing what’s possible.

He’s being bang out of order. Really very unfair. You’re absolutely right to be livid.

Onemansoapopera · 17/04/2018 11:00

Lots of women post the reverse of this on MN ie the uni courses and not earning etc and the men are told to be supportive. I think everyone has a right to pursue their own goals in life but not all goals work well with family life and financial responsibility. You should downsize either way and he either stays or goes - his choice.

EveningHare · 17/04/2018 11:03

It's expensive to move
Could you rent out a room?

trojanpony · 17/04/2018 17:49

this must be awful...
he has really lied to you and betrayed your trust.

Are you considering ending the relationship? I ask as probably would be the selfishness attitude and shirking of responsibility is pretty awful. You must feel very blindsided

yetmorecrap · 17/04/2018 20:18

How ludicrous, total cocklodger except married. I would sit him down and spell it out, this is the income, this is the expenditure and it isn’t working. So you give him 3 months to find a job that brings in at least double what he is now and ideally more or you will be downsizing because at the moment it’s all on your back. However factor in if he isn’t around so much any extra childcare costs that may entail.

Gemini69 · 17/04/2018 20:43

He wants out right? and doesn't care of you leave.... he has in effect said as much... the house means more to him than you do OP...

I reckon if you left... he'd suddenly be back in full time employment.. with big bucks... paying all the bills ....

Shizzlestix · 17/04/2018 21:43

Is he depressed? Either that or he’s lost confidence in himself or he’s become so comfortable at home that he doesn’t want to go back to work. Either way, he needs to face up and look at the financials.

Appuskidu · 17/04/2018 21:48

Is he thinking he’ll get the kids and the house and you’ll have to pay for it if you split up?!

What is the degree that takes 4 years to train for? Are there jobs at the end of it?

Guiltypleasures001 · 17/04/2018 22:26

Previous poster beat me too it op

He's set himself up as principle career fir your child, and you'll have to give him the house and maintenance

I think he's been playing a long game, and gas shafted you

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