AIBU to feel resentful?

[PoppyMK]

Our first child has just turned 2 and just before she was born we moved house to a much more expensive area, taking on a much bigger mortgage. DH subsequently resigned from his job (which was reasonably well-paid, providing about a third of our household income) quite suddenly, and without any detailed discussion with me. He was always very stressed out with his job and therefore had previously made some throwaway comments that if he hated his job that much he should resign and look after child (I meant temporarily until he found another job). At the time he promised that’s within a year he would have another proper job. It’s now over a year since he resigned and although he has some part time work it is irregular and not well paid, it probably makes up about 1/6th of what he previously earnt. As a result of not being able to rely on when money comes in, I have to pay for everything for the household from my wages. This leaves us with very nominal amount (less than £50) per month left over, and we have no savings. I would prefer to sell the house, but a smaller one (or in a worse area) and be able to reduce the stress. DH flat out refuses to sell the house and has threatened to break up the relationship if I force it. My ultimate dream is to be able to work 3 or 4 days a week so I can spend time with our children, as I spent my 20s and 30s working hard to earn good money so I could one day do this. DH has now announced he wants to retrain (uni course for 4 years) which leaves no prospect of any extra income from him for that time, and he will earn less than he did before once he’s retrained. I feel let down that I am forced to maintain a house which we cannot afford (there’s no way I’d get our existing mortgage on just my wages), and that there appears to be no recognition of the sacrifice I have been asked to make (work a stressful job for 40 Hrs a week and commute for 10, miss out on my kids). This makes me so down and every time I try to talk to DH about it he just flies off the handle. I’m at a loss as to what to do. Do I just make myself unhappy for the sake of keeping the family together?

Has not gas

Actually, i think you sound like the selfish one OP.
It's all about what you want and how you feel with no real consideration for his feelings or the underlying cause behind this drastic change.

My ultimate dream is to be able to work 3 or 4 days a week so I can spend time with our children, as I spent my 20s and 30s working hard to earn good money so I could one day do this
Errrrrm....has he not 'earned' this choice too?
Was he not working hard in his 20's and 30's/during your mat leave? Maybe he wants to spend more time with his kids too instead of just being seen as a cash cow?

there appears to be no recognition of the sacrifice I have been asked to make (work a stressful job for 40 Hrs a week and commute for 10, miss out on my kids
What about the sacrifices he has had to make too?
Or do they not matter simply because he's male?

He was always very stressed out with his job and therefore had previously made some throwaway comments that if he hated his job that much he should resign
Where was the concern for his mental health? His wellbeing?
Where was the communication re this alarm bell that was ringing loudly and quite often?

Sounds like he's had enough of running himself into the ground and losing out on time/relationship with his dc.

You both need to be open about what kind of work/home lifestyle you want and then share that responsibility as equally as possible.
He needs to address his stress/mental health issues and then find a regular paying job - even if it's a lower wage than previous.
Then you can both decide whether you need to downsize in order to achieve the lifestyle you both dream of.

Welcome to what every man has to deal with....

I must admit that if the roles were reversed it would be a very different story

Woman works part time and is a sahp, they live in their dream family home in a great area for schools and friends that they’ve worked hard for and can afford on her husbands wage, but Ashe wants to go back to uni to retrain in her dream job, husband won’t allow it unless they give up the dream home, move to a crap area all simply because he wants to work part time...is this unfair???

I mean, you can spin anything if you want to

OP no court is going to order you to maintain your DH in the house if you split, it's very clear the mortgage is unaffordable long term on your wage alone. As you said you'd never have been awarded the mortgage on your income, your DH's former salary secured it.

My advice is to speak to a solicitor so you are absolutely clear what your options are with forcing the sale of the house if you split then speak to your DH. Tell him the house will have to be sold. If he rants or threatens to end your marriage I'd say calmly something like 'That's your decision but whether we separate or stay together the house will have to be sold, we both know it's unaffordable on my wage'.

Stand firm, I really think you need to act immediately before he tries to establish you as supporting him financially as a student. With the appalling way he's treated you I'd be looking to buy somewhere smaller alone after the house is sold.

Good luck

Definitely get some legal advice as it does look like he has been setting this up. It is entirely unreasonable of him to expect you to give him everything he wants and have a paddy if you try to have a grown up discussion. Best of luck with everything

@heebiwjeebies op is earning pretty much all of the money because her DH has refused to contribute. She has been very understanding and suggested reducing their expenses so that they can cope with his decision to not work properly. He has flat out refused and is making ultimatums. OP has been very reasonable and us considering g taking a hit to her lifestyle to accommodate his little issues (which everyone else seems to be perfectly capable of dealing with). But her husband does care that OP is stressed or that their finacial position is precarious. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

OP does it matter if you split up? It doesn't sound like he us making any contribution to your household anyway. I say call his bluff. 'DH, we can't afford this house on my salary. Either we sell, or you get a real job or, we split up and sell anyway. Up to you.

Oh and don't let him take too much of a caring role for your DC. The jess he does for her the harder it will be for him to argue that she should stay with him or that you owe him maintenence. Re forcing a sale simply inform your mortgage lender if your change in circumstances. They will be the ones pushing you to sell.

Re forcing a sale simply inform your mortgage lender if your change in circumstances. They will be the ones pushing you to sell.

That's good advice. I wonder if you could arrange to reduce the monthly payments or pay interest only while the house is on the market.

Are you on a fixed term mortgage or a tracker? We have to renegotiate our fixed term every couple of years and to provide proof of both our incomes. If you had to do the same, what would he say?

This type of man will not listen to reason. He's got his cushty arrangement and now it's his way or the highway. Calling his bluff is always highly effective.

Drop or pretend to drop your hours at work because you wish to follow a more fulfilling part time role. It's been offered to you and starts in August. You're going to accept. Your salary will halve. Tell him you've done sums and here's the shortfall. Solutions you can think of: selling house and downsizing. Then say absolutely nothing more apart from concerned nods and leave the ball in his court. Oh and tell him you've got estate agents coming for valuation purposes to help the planning.

Something will hAppen. And it will be better than what is now I guarantee- although what it is who knows.