Views please: Online dating disappearing act or typical bloke behaviour?

[Grobagsforever]

Hi all

Apologies was going to post this on dating thread but couldn't find it.

Been online dating on and off for six months. No dates in last three months due to massively raising my standards. Good.

Was chatting to a bloke on dating app who seems exactly my type. Very smart, articulate etc. Gave him my number and said he could text me next day, He didn't but then actually called me the following day - took me completely by surprise as most ppl text. We actually had a lovely, 1.5 hour chat and he asked me out. We discussed this Thursday (this was last Sunday). I texted him on the Tuesday following the phone call and confirmed Thursday was fine for me childcare wise. He texted back on Wednesday saying that would be great and that he was having long days (v busy job). So I texted the following day saying he should text me nearer time to make a plan.

Silence since then. So is this online dating disappearing after secured the ego stroke of a date agreement or just being a bloke as in, we've made a plan, no need to talk until nearer the time?

I guess the fact he didn't text me first to confirm post call (he'd also said he'd send a couple of back up suggestions through) and the fact he hasn't replied to my last text is making me think he's lost interest.

It's obviously not the end of the world. It's just online dating is bloody annoying and I wish he'd just cancel if he'd changed his mind. We're both in thirties - not kids!

And yes I know I could just ask him. But I dammed if I'm chasing him. Would like to know whether to cancel sitter etc.

Fuck's sake. What's wrong with me? Why do I even care. I would tell me to text him and cancel. Sigh. Problem is he's the first guy clever enough to catch my interest in ages.

Ring him off guard like he did to you and have some good conversation like you described in the first telephone call he made to you. Most people speak to several people at a time on dating sites so chances are someone is intriguing him a bit more at the moment but that's not to say that he's not interested in you... I just think if you liked him don't give up yet. Obviously if he doesn't pick up or call you back within a day don't bother again xx good luck!

I wouldn’t write him off just yet if you’re supposed to be meeting this Thursday? I don’t think he’s really needed to communicate with you between confirming the date and the actual date and it sounds like you already have a little connection with him, it doesn’t sound like he’s much of a texter so maybe he wants to wait until he sees you. I think if you don’t hear from him tomorrow send a breezy text on wed evening/thurs am to confirm the date time and where you’re meeting. Good luck!

@StrawberryJelly00 - ha. No. I actually hate the phone.....hence why I was surprised and intrigued by our great chat. We spoke for a hour and a half - really unusable for me to speak on the phone longer than five minutes unless it's work.

Hmmm. I specifically asked him to text me to make a plan. If he doesn't do so by Wednesday eve I shall cancel sitter. She won't mind overmuch.

Bleagh. Really not sure why I bother dating. Don't need a man, they are mostly more trouble then they are worth, And dull.

And dull

^ made me laugh. he doesn't know what he's missing. too bad for him!

@SingSongSing - yup, I'm funny. I can make a roomful laugh out loud. Yeah, it will be his loss. The uncertainty and game playing drive me bats...

I hate online dating for this! Had one man hound me with messages I agreed to meet up and he cancelled on the day never to hear from him again. My best bet is he is chickening out and nothing to do with you what so ever. Give him more time but if nothing the night before then cancel the sitter, block him and shout next!!!!

i think some people just change their minds, or realise they arent that bothered about meeting you.

ive felt this way about people ive been speaking to, and it can seem rude to just end things before meeting, but really you dont owe anyone a date.

the “ghosting” is a bit harsh for people who dont know how to take it. but if you havent met yet, i dont really see it as ghosting. when its happened to me i just think he wasnt that interested and move on with my life.

i was SO ill with flu the past week, i wasnt replying to anyone, even family. on the 3rd day i decided to check whatsapp - i had 6 messages “ok i can take a hint” “just out if curiosity, did i do something wrong?” etc etc

no, im ill & we haven even met yet! i dont owe you anything! it got me confused as to why someone is so hung up on me, and we
havent met irl.

@esk1mo - I disagree. He is aware I will have booked a sitter as I am a widowed parent. And we have made an arrangement to meet. Therefore he does owe me the common courtesy of cancelling if that is his intention. I assume you hadn't made firm arrangements you needed to cancel with the nutters on your whatsapp...

oh i agree with you, thats rude!

i more meant general chatting, but making plans then disappearing is rude. have you heard from him?

Nope. My last text asked him to contact me 'nearer the time' to make a plan which would be tonight or tomorrow latest, as we are due to meet Thursday.

It's fine, I'm not hung up on a guy I never met, I'm just baffled by the long phone call, the insistence he'd like to go out and then the disappearing act, why bother? Waste of time. Never mind. Such is life

This is so bloody annoying! Seems to happen a lot... a majority of the men I’ve spoken to, so far, have done this after arranging a date to meet. I wonder if a lot of them are after having their ego boosted or perhaps are more interested in somebody else they’re talking to

Probably both@Binxee. I'll probably send him a text on Thursday reminding him that as a widowed parent I booked childcare and that his disappearance is therefore particularly rude.

It’s the multi dating
The 1.5 hour conversation literally means nothing.
In fact nothing is set in stone until you’ve actually got to know the person. Some guys are transparent and that doesn’t take long whilst others less so.
He is probably talking to other women and someone else has caught his interest more or not entirely wanting to meet. If his plans for that falls through you may then hear from him. I don’t buy the too “busy” theory as it takes 1 minute to send a text.

My DP was like this a little- texting did not work with him, replies would be delayed and stilted, if they arrived at all! But get him on the phone and we would chat for hours. I wouldn't write him off at all. If you know his rough working hours then give him a call, checking you're still on. A connection is hard to find.

We are now 3 years down the line by the way. He still hates texting, but makes more effort as he knows it pisses me off.

Phone him if you want to know. Or just cancel the sitter if you're already not going to enjoy it either way because you already feel slighted. It's not chasing him, it's taking his lead.

@Onemansoapopera - we'll I'm meeting a friend early in the eve anyway now so sitter will not be wasted. But he doesn't know that.

I wouldn't text him. There was nothing stopping him from texting you back when you had text him so its up to him now. He's either started talking to someone else or he's chickened out of meeting you, but either way, it is rude to give you mixed messages especially as you're widowed and need to sort childcare.

That's fair. So now we wait 😁

No I would text him actually to remind him at least- that will give you answer he will either make firm plans by getting back to you usually immediately or not respond which says he is not interested really.

Why fret over this, you are both adults anyway. Honestly the second guessing in modern dating is relentless!

@GameChanger01 I know it's ridiculous. Makes me sad. I wasn't meant to be in this position, husband died four years ago. I'm only 37 so don't fancy a life alone but frankly modern dating is a joke, meh. I have a great job, friends, kids, house. A man is basically superfluous anyway!

If you think a man would be superfluous, maybe its not time for you to be dating, in the nicest possible way. I can't think of anyone who would want to be thought of as 'spare', male or female. For what its worth I hope you do have a date and I hope its ace.

@Onemansoapopera well it is society that programs us to date. Large scale studies show women are happier without men, long term. Most men can't cope with not being needed and I don't need one.

No text - I've written him off. His loss. I'm awesome

Have you texted him or decided not too

I really think dating behaviour is long overdue an upward paradigm shift. OP, you deserve better, where has good manners and treating people with a basic level of respect gone?

I