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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What does it mean when someone says this...

66 replies

WheelyCote · 15/04/2018 15:12

That they're not in love with you but they love u more than a friend and don't see u as just a friend

Long story which I won't bore u all with.

Talks to me 3-4 times a day and see me once a week. He lives an hour and half away. It's not about sex as I've put a pause on that since Feb

Please be gentle...my insides feel like vomming at hearing he's not in love with me😧

OP posts:
moodance · 15/04/2018 17:06

He loves you but he isn't in love with you .... he doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you ... easy for me to say ... don't pick up the phone when he rings ... you need closure not false hope.

littlepill · 15/04/2018 17:07

Move on, my love. You are worth more than this. There are so many other men out there who will cherish you and be more supportive to you.

He is probably too scared to commit, and too scared to let go. By staying friends, you are letting him have one foot in the door. What will you gain from that? Nothing!

Close the door. Firmly.

When I was in your situation, I joined a No Contact (NC) thread and one lovely poster write this, which I think will strengthen you:

  • I am liked, but not enough for me
  • I am valued, but not enough for me
  • This situation would have continued for as much as I would have let it, and while it continued it would have held me back
  • He will miss me, for I was the better friend and filled a hole in his life for support. He will miss me, but as a friend, not a woman.
  • Once the fog clears I will not miss him one iota
  • There was no "perfect time". When things were bad I was hurt, when they were good I was over-invested
  • The effect of NC won't be felt by him for at least a month, as I've broken the last two times and he'll likely expect it again
  • The effect of NC will be felt when his relationships fail, but that doesn't mean he'll reach out to me

And last of all:

I am no-one's wing woman

OP, I put this in an email to myself and when I felt tempted - when he phoned repeatedly, like yours, I re-read it, and remembered.

Power to your elbow!

Sunflowersforever · 15/04/2018 18:28

@littlepill has given such a good statement to use.

Sorry OP. Must be so hurtful. He has you exactly where he wants you and can do what he wants. Be so careful as he will probably be exploring other options elsewhere. I don't say that lightly as know that thought will hurt.

Pinkvoid · 15/04/2018 18:31

That he doesn’t love you at all and as others have said, is stringing you along. Sorry OP, I would ditch him.

SoapOnARoap · 15/04/2018 18:33

Player alert

letsdolunch321 · 15/04/2018 18:34

Block his number, if he turns up at the door tell him to feck off you are not interested and find another mug.

gamerchick · 15/04/2018 18:40

He’s making sure you don’t move on before he does OP. What you do with that is up to you.

Zebra31 · 15/04/2018 19:41

11 years is a long time. Yo must feel like a part of you has been cut off. Unless you have DC I would seriously advise that you cut all contact. You clearly still love him. You will keep looking into everything he does nd says in the hope he may change his mind.

Give yourself some time to come to terms with the split and give yourself time to heal. His not coming back. I agree with those that think his stringing you on until someone else comes along.

Original poster
WheelyCote · 15/04/2018 21:43

I'm more annoyed I opened up to him again. Then wonder if I'm going mad but the he texts me this

U know I'm into u.

u know I care
u know I want u to be safe
u know I want u to be happy
u know I respect u

OP posts:
privateporcupine · 15/04/2018 21:45

But you can find someone else who will also say

U know I love you

And you’ll know it to be true.

purplefox · 15/04/2018 21:47

You're his 'safety net', he's out looking for someone else right now and if he can't find anyone he'll be running back to you because its better than being alone and the small talk means you're giving him headspace rather than moving on.

Original poster
WheelyCote · 15/04/2018 21:49

Don't have the headspace to reply.

I haven't had chance to read all posts just finished a shift but I can see a theme.

I'm sat in the car with the plan of going in having a bulmers cider and read and get real about this.

I keep saying I've closed the door on him but then I end up back here again. Can't do this anymore it's not healthy

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 15/04/2018 21:52

He enjoys playing with you OP. It’s a control/power thing.

Original poster
WheelyCote · 15/04/2018 21:53

Crossed posts, thanks. I know your all right. I'd be saying the same thing.

The text before that one was

I do love u.

Think it's actually me encouraging him, not the way round.

Right getting out of car and heading in before my neighbours think

Yep she's finally lost it

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 15/04/2018 22:02

Just another voice here to say he's playing cat and mouse with your feelings. Hope you find the strength to drop him altogether.

C0untDucku1a · 15/04/2018 22:03

He is controlling you. He is looking for someone else but ensuring he stops you from moving on.

chocolatesun · 15/04/2018 22:04

Sorry. He is being unfair to you and causing you pain. Don't settle for someone who says they aren't in love with you. You deserve and will find the right person for you.

Cricrichan · 16/04/2018 01:48

He's a massive wanker who doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you and likes you always being there for him. 11 years!!

Go nc and have fun. Be aimed and fined by other men who do want you.

Cricrichan · 16/04/2018 01:48

Wined and dined

Onemansoapopera · 16/04/2018 13:03

I think he knows he isnt in love with you anymore but still has love for you ie doesnt want to hurt you. By withdrawing slowly he's actually drawing out the pain. I have done this to someone myself thinking it was kinder, it isn't. I think you will have to take the initiative and be the one to end it completely. Doesnt make him a dick. Some vicious women on here. Means you're not compatible despite 11 years of trying

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/04/2018 13:08

I think he doesn't love you (and may well have someone else in mind, if not in actuality), but that he likes an element of control over your life - not letting you move on and find someone else/turning up at your door/demanding you answer the phone?

Was he a bit controlling during those 11 years?

If he doesn't want to be with you and has any respect for you, he should be dialling down the constant 'U4me' type texts and letting you have space to find yourself.

Cricrichan · 16/04/2018 13:44

Onemamsopera I'd agree with you except he keeps stocking the fire by sending these texts telling her he loves her etc. So no, I disagree that he's trying to let go.of her gently. He wants her hanging around but his freedom to do what he wants.

lifebegins50 · 16/04/2018 14:15

Sorry Op, he is keeping you dangling.

His list felt like a cut & paste, not sincere at all.

When we are hurting we want to feel better but his responses are just delaying the healing.

I think you should go complete NC as it's likely to impact him and drive him crazy that you are not around to be picked up when he wants.

Onemansoapopera · 16/04/2018 15:26

cricrichan agree, but we don't know what text the OP might have sent to solicit his, if any.

PinkCalluna · 16/04/2018 15:32

I’m sorry Wheely.

He wants attention and affection from you.
He wants sex if he can get it
He wants you to hang around at his convenience and not move on.

But what is he giving you?

Not commitment, not certainty, not a proper relationship.

Ignore that he says.
Look at what he does.

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