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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband calling me Fat

50 replies

Thenappyassistant · 14/04/2018 20:35

We have 2 children ( a 2 year old and a 6 months old) and I gained a total of 5.5 stone over both children. I have now lost 3.5 stone since the birth of my second child 6 months ago and have another 2 to go. The problem is my self confidence has been totally shot and I feel so fat still. I used to be ashamed to bump into peopl I used to know pre children because I keep thinking they will think “ what happened to her”. I’ve accepted now that I am doing something about it and I shouldn’t care about what people think. I feel stronger mentally because I know I can lose the weight and he gym helps with anxiety and stress....

The problem is my partner can be so mean about my weight. He isn’t affectionate at all to me and yesterday was my birthday. He got me lovely gifts and nice card snad flowers from him and the kids. He took me for a fancy meal and drinks. Coming home he was so horrible. He kept being mean and then when go home called me a fat mess totally out of the blue for no reason at all. When our baby was a week old he woke me up screaming at me that I’m so fat and my snoring is keeping him awake.

It’s so awful and nasty but I don’t know how to stop him from doing it. He makes jokes about how much I ate when I was pregnant and often snipes about my weight and size! It’s really knocking all the confidence I’ve built. I have told him but he just says stop going on about it I’ve said sorry. I just don’t know how to process this and wonder if I’m being over sensitive?!

OP posts:
BodgingThisMumThing · 14/04/2018 20:39

You tell him the next time he makes an abusive comment towards you, he can pack his bags and leave.
Stand your ground and make sure he knows your serious.
If you can’t manage that, tell his mother.

GertrudeCB · 14/04/2018 20:41

No, your being under sensitive. Tell him to go the next time he starts this shit. And congrats on your 3.5 stone weight loss Flowers

CaMePlaitPas · 14/04/2018 20:46

OP, no one has the right to make you feel so small, and certainly not the man who's children you've bore. He's ruined your birthday, your confidence, the enjoyment of your post-baby body, what else are you going to allow him to take? This isn't about the 2 stone you have left to lose, it's not about the 5.5 stone you've put on since your babies, this is about your partner being an unsupportive, malicious, manipulative person. I would seriously look at the nature of your relationship and whether you can continue living with someone who emotionally bullies you.

AllStar14 · 14/04/2018 20:47

You've said sorry? Wow, he is not a good person.

Don't let him treat you like this, what he is doing is fucking awful! He is fucking awful!

LucyMorningStar · 14/04/2018 20:47

Fuck him. Just fuck him. What a nasty pathetic prick!

Mine told me I'm twice the size I've been pre-children. I've gone from size 8/10 to 12. Told me I can't eat myself slim. Told me I'm a fat-ass saggy-tits bitch. All that he achieved by that is that now he's as good as dead to me and his opinions are irrelevant to me.

Stop wondering how your reaction will make him feel and tell him to go fuck himself.

Joysmum · 14/04/2018 20:49

Image be your dp had gained 2 stone, would you ever be able to be comfortable in behaving towards him as he has to you?

Of course you wouldn’t because it’s nasty. That’s your answer and he’s not good enough for you. Time to recognise you deserve better.

Glug44 · 14/04/2018 20:50

Is he perfect then? If telling him to leave won’t work, fight dirty by calling him out on his insecurities and then take the kids and leave yourself. You are in a toxic relationship.

LovingLola · 14/04/2018 20:52

Make sure you have no more children with him.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/04/2018 20:54

Among other charming behaviour, my ex-husband used to go on about my weight. He once said, untruthfully, that my stomach was so large he couldn't get close enough to have sex. I said if I'm so revoltingly fat how come you're worried someone else will be attracted to me? "Some people are peculiar," he said.

Note the "ex".

Blerg · 14/04/2018 20:55

OP congrats on getting to a place were you are doing wha you want and are happy with your progress. It's really hard, especially 6 months after a baby.

I totally agree with CaMe - there are wider issues that are nothing to do with weight here. Has he always been so cruel?

Emma198 · 14/04/2018 20:59

Don't wait for him to do it again - just leave him. What an awful man.

Newerversion · 14/04/2018 21:01

He is a nasty bastard.

Aw12345 · 14/04/2018 21:01

You gained that weight carrying HIS children right? And he thought that wouldn't have any impact on your body? He's an idiot. Stand up for yourself, you're doing a great job losing weight and your youngest is only 6 months!! He should give you a break :-)

Okaynowimconfused · 14/04/2018 21:02

He sounds fucking awful OP.

Do not let him bring you down. You are doing amazing and really taking control of your life.

He however will remain a spiteful turd for the rest of his life.

Bluntness100 · 14/04/2018 21:02

God almighty, this is awful, I am genuinely shocked these men exist. Mumsnet has been an eye opener for me.

Tell him you'd rather be over weight than a piece of shit like him.

Can you leave? What is causing you to stay? And why would you ever apologise?

Bluntness100 · 14/04/2018 21:05

Op, I don't know if it helps, but to put it into perspective, if my husband called me a fat mess, it would be thr last thing he'd ever do in this house and he would live to regret it. I mean that sincerely.

So what's causing you to permit it and stay? Do you have a financial restriction on leaving?

Branleuse · 14/04/2018 21:08

Hes a bastard and hes cruel.

BarbarianMum · 14/04/2018 21:08

He thinks he has you where he wants you (ie trapped, no confidence, 2 children) so now he can take his mask off and show you who he really is. The nice/nasty is just another abusers tactic to keep you off balance. Luckily for you, like most abusers, he's not that smart. You are not trapped, you can do so much better than him and you can dump his sorry arse. I hope you realise this soon. Flowers

Voice0fReason · 14/04/2018 21:11

Nasty and inexcusable behaviour.
You deserve better.

DamsonOnThisDress · 14/04/2018 21:14

Oh OP. None of this is you. It's all him. He's horrible, cruel and a bully. Don't put up with it.

That's not how treat anyone, let alone someone you love.

I'd be inclined to tell him, "Yes, I think I would be happier if I lost weight. About 12 or so stone. Leave."

I'm sorry, OP. He's not a nice man.

statetrooperstacey · 14/04/2018 21:18

I very much like lucymornjng stars post. Also the fighting dirty advice.
Don't be meek op stand up for yourself and don't apologise to him!!! He is being horrible.
Tell him as soon as you have lost the weight and are looking fucking awesome you will be leaving his despicable ass.
Leave him with the kids at every opportunity to run/ go to the gym/ swimming/classes/ slimming club etc you get the gist. He can hardly complain considering his comments. Of course you don't have to do all or any if those things.
Really lose your shit with him next time he does it.

Beautifulbridie · 14/04/2018 21:24

Sorry but this is emotional abuse. It’s not about you it’s about him feeling good about himself by putting you down all the time. I put up with the same for years and five years ago broke free and now feel amazing. Don’t let him treat you like this also he is not being a good role model for your children. Get out of that abusive environment you don’t need him if he treats you like that.

Flisspaps · 14/04/2018 22:01

He's a headworker.

lattewith3shotsplease · 14/04/2018 22:08

OP,
Good on you for losing the weight.

5 stone is a massive amount of weight to put on though, regardless of pregnancy.
Keep up the weight loss and hopefully you'll get the confidence to stand up for yourself. Flowers

privateporcupine · 14/04/2018 22:11

What a horrible excuse for a human being. You have done amazingly well to lose the weight you have, but I think you’ll feel the benefit even more if you lose that piece of shit husband. Seriously, he’s a disgusting bully. You are worth 100 of him Flowers