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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband calling me Fat

50 replies

Thenappyassistant · 14/04/2018 20:35

We have 2 children ( a 2 year old and a 6 months old) and I gained a total of 5.5 stone over both children. I have now lost 3.5 stone since the birth of my second child 6 months ago and have another 2 to go. The problem is my self confidence has been totally shot and I feel so fat still. I used to be ashamed to bump into peopl I used to know pre children because I keep thinking they will think “ what happened to her”. I’ve accepted now that I am doing something about it and I shouldn’t care about what people think. I feel stronger mentally because I know I can lose the weight and he gym helps with anxiety and stress....

The problem is my partner can be so mean about my weight. He isn’t affectionate at all to me and yesterday was my birthday. He got me lovely gifts and nice card snad flowers from him and the kids. He took me for a fancy meal and drinks. Coming home he was so horrible. He kept being mean and then when go home called me a fat mess totally out of the blue for no reason at all. When our baby was a week old he woke me up screaming at me that I’m so fat and my snoring is keeping him awake.

It’s so awful and nasty but I don’t know how to stop him from doing it. He makes jokes about how much I ate when I was pregnant and often snipes about my weight and size! It’s really knocking all the confidence I’ve built. I have told him but he just says stop going on about it I’ve said sorry. I just don’t know how to process this and wonder if I’m being over sensitive?!

OP posts:

leighdinglady · 14/04/2018 22:14

Yo be managed to loose 3.5 stone in six months after having a baby?!?!?! That is AMAZING. You should be so proud of yourself. I'm four months and haven't even managed 1 stone :-(

misses point of the thred

RandomWordsandaNumber5 · 14/04/2018 22:29

My goodness, he sounds a nasty piece of work.
You’ve done incredibly well losing 3.5 stone - well done!. I would concentrate on feeling better and keeping on with the weight loss and then decide what you want to do with your relationship.

Oly5 · 14/04/2018 22:33

What a nasty piece of work he is. I’d be asking him to leave!
I had a baby six months the ago and also still have 2st to lose. It’s freaking normal!! It takes time.
My partner is nothing but loving to me.. just so you can see the contrast with the arse your partner is. I’m so sorry OP

TheScottishPlay · 14/04/2018 22:33

What a nasty piece of work he sounds.
I think you'll shed him soon, just like the weight.
Good wishes to you in this op, and your little ones.

KarmaStar · 14/04/2018 22:43

So sorry your birthday was ruined op,although it wasn't just your birthday was it?he has been bullying you for years.
You're doing great on your diet and fitness,your body has produced two beautiful babies...He should be absolutely thankful to you and impressed by your guts and determination to do something about your baby weight.
And what has he done?nothing but abuse you.
Time to get rid of him,you are worth far far more than this.
Please don't let him destroy your new found confidence.instead continue to build it and enjoy life as a successful single mum.
🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

rainbowlou · 14/04/2018 22:55

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, what he has done to your self esteem is unforgivable
My ex (note ex) asked me how long it would take me to lose the baby weight when our dd was just a few weeks old and I will never forget that feeling.
You are worth so much more and can lose a substantial amount of weight in days if you tell him where to go!x

SleightOfMind · 14/04/2018 22:56

Nappyassistant that’s upsetting to read.

This isn’t really about your weight, I bet you look wonderful. Your DH is being incredibly unkind.
You should both be enjoying this time with your other young children and 6month old, instead, he’s bullying you into looking like a pouting celeb in a bikini!

DH and I met over 20 yrs ago. Since then we’ve had four DC and my body has changed out of all recognition.

He’s never made me feel any different from when we were teenagers
(annoyingly, he’s going a bit silver fox, while I get ever so little Witchier with every passing year 😡)

Sit your DH down and talk to him about what he expected from a marriage. Are you growing together or apart?
Tell him how much his comments hurt and ask him how he sees the bigger picture for both of you.

If he carries on being cruel then he’s not a man I’d want to grow old with.

SleightOfMind · 14/04/2018 22:58

PS, we haven’t been together since we were teens, he just fancied me since then

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 14/04/2018 23:16

Tell him he has a tiny dick, then to feck off.

Cheeky bastard after you carried and gave birth to HIS kids and have obviously worked your ass off to lose that much weight already.
Sorry op, he really is not worthy to lick your boots, lose 18 stone of useless twat asap and dump this ungrateful turd.

TiredMummy18 · 14/04/2018 23:26

He’s obviously not a nice guy at all, nice guys who love and respect you don’t talk like that to you. You’ve had his baby 6 months ago!!! You’ve also lost 3.5 stones, has he even said well done??
You should be proud of yourself by the way.

I agree with everyone else, when he starts this shit again tell him if your such a fat mess he can fuck off and go find a supermodel who I’m sure would want a guy who talks to them like shit 🙄 meanwhile you can find a decent guy to spend your life with who loves you no matter what you look like.

ChickenMom · 15/04/2018 05:55

You could easily lose 12/13 stone...by showing him the door! He called you a fat mess on your birthday!! Nope. Just nope. You deserve better OP

HerSymphonyAndSong · 15/04/2018 06:08

“5 stone is a massive amount of weight to put on though, regardless of pregnancy.
Keep up the weight loss and hopefully you'll get the confidence to stand up for yourself. ”

What an absolute dickish thing to say, seriously. Think about what you’re saying here.

OP you have had excellent advice here, and it would do your confidence wonders to be distanced from such a cruel man

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 15/04/2018 06:17

Sorry your birthday was ruined by a horrible arsehole, i would be having words with him today and also I would make him pick up the slack of everything today and to weight on you hand and foot for spoiling your day and being a wanker and tell him if he says anything like that again he is out and divorced as you don't want to be married to a dick, you can and will find someone better who will treat you right so if it comes to it ltb...well done on your weight loss so far and you keep doing it in your own time as and when you are ready as it's your body but well done for what you have lost as that's amazing, take care.

Ullupullu · 15/04/2018 06:29

This isn't about him calling you fat. That's a red herring. It's far worse than that. He thinks he can insult you like that. He is unkind and controlling and domineering. He is awful for being so unsupportive so soon after you've had a baby. Useless.

What would you do if a friend told you her partner says this to her? Heck, what would you do if a friend of yours said this to you?! You wouldn't put up with it I bet. Please make plans to leave. He won't change - it's not about your weight, he sounds spiteful and unsupportive.

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2018 06:42

He sounds really unkind
You're losing weight but he'll always be this ugly in his attitudes
Would you consider leaving him?

Lanaa · 15/04/2018 07:12

@HerSymphonyAndSong Thank fuck someone pulled @lattewith3shotsplease up on her cuntery. What an awful thing to say.

DumbleDee · 15/04/2018 08:25

Mine told me I was obese. He said it during an argument about me doing nothing for him.

He said it was fact not abuse.

That was 6 months ago.

He wonders later why I didn't want to have sec with him.

We've just separated. Looking back I can't believe what I put up with.

Men like this instinctively know what buttons to push. He'll carry on. It's about control. He'll find another button and if you're honest you could probably already write a list

Moxiebelle · 15/04/2018 08:36

When I used to do Flylady she would say if a husband was nasty to his wife about the state of the house, even if she got it sorted and organised he wouldn't change and would find something else to pick on. This is similar, if a loving partner had a concern about your weight they would approach it in a sympathetic and supportive manner.

AhYerWill · 15/04/2018 09:16

I don't think talking about your partner's weight should be taboo, but like anything else in a relationship it should be done with kindness and support. this bloke is just a bullying arsehole. if it wasn't your weight, he'd find some other way to grind you down and make you feel shit. You can't get him to treat you right by changing yourself. You can only choose not to stay in a relationship where your kids grow up thinking abuse is normal.

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 15/04/2018 09:45

I agree with previous posters who say this is nothing to do with your weight, it's a way for him to bully you.
I was in a relationship years ago where I was called a fat cunt on an almost daily basis. The size of my forehead was also ridiculed and passed off as him "just joking".
I felt so low and unattractive. There were many other abusive behaviours occurring too.
I left him over 4 years ago and it was like a weight had lifted. I spent time working on myself as a single person and building my confidence up. Making new friends and trying new things.
Just over a year ago I met and fell in love with a wonderful man who has never once put me down. I'm told I'm beautiful, I'm sexy, I'm clever, I'm talented. I'm still the same size I was when I was with the awful partner but I'm treated with respect and love. I'm told I have a beautiful body and he loves every bit of me. This is how a real, decent man behaves.
You deserve a decent man too.

kikashi · 15/04/2018 10:12

I agree- he is a bully and he does not cherish you. I feel he is not your friend and at heart resents and/or dislikes you. Perhaps your weight gain had more to do with his treatment of you and how miserable it has made you feel than just straight baby weight gain.

You deserve a lot better as do your DC.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 15/04/2018 13:25

“I don't think talking about your partner's weight should be taboo, but like anything else in a relationship it should be done with kindness and support.”

The “taboo” thing re partners and weight often come up on these threads. And the people whose partners are kind and supportive tend not to start threads about it - because it’s not an issue

Dvg · 15/04/2018 13:34

What a horrible man, i'm sorry but nice people dont do that to others.

He should be supporting you to lose the weight and feel confident not making you just want to give up and think why bother, he should be pleased with the weight loss and congratulating you/ spurring you on without being a dick about it!

Cricrichan · 15/04/2018 13:43

What a wanker. If he was supportive about you losing weight, he'd book you pt sessions, but you a gym membership etc whlist he looked after the kids and cook the whole family healthy meals etc. What he's done is abusive. But yes, I'd get a gym.membership and be telling him that he's looking after the kids 5 night a week whilst you go to the gym. And then I'd leave him.

NoFanJoe · 15/04/2018 13:52

He needs to grow up and start being a decent father and husband.
With a couple of young kids, any day you manage to get through without falling to pieces is a major achievement.
And he thinks he can add to the load? That's just being cruel and mean.

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