What does she look like ?

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In our early days of our relationship my husband had a friendship with a woman at his work that he never mentioned . The first time he ever mentioned this persons name was when DS1 was born and he returned home with a gift from her.

This didn't bothered me until recently as I discovered ( she popped up on my LinkedIn ) that she only worked at the company for 3 years , my DS was born 4 years later and he gave me the impression that she was still working at the company .

He then mentioned her a few times over the past 20 years. Which I never raised an eyebrow to as it's quite common for us to have regularly caught up with old colleagues for drinks and lunch over the years .

He hasn't seen her for the past 5 years .

I have asked him why he has kept the friendship secret ( he met her mid 20s when we moved to The city for work ? We are mid 40s now ).

He maintains that it has always been a professional relationship . I asked if she was in a relationship , had boyfriends etc he says he doesn't know . I find it odd that he kept the friendship a secret , has maintained this friendship until the past 5 years .

I don't know what to think .

The worst thing about this I am desperate to know what she looks like , he says that's irrelevant . Him not telling me is driving me round the bend . I don't know why I am desperate to know what she looks like .

I told him last night that it is still playing on my mind what she looks like and he has said that it's doesn't change anything . He says that he recognises that it was wrong not to mention it and he doesn't know why .

Why am I so desperate to know what she looks like ?

You want to see what the “competition” looks like but what will it actually tell you? If she’s prettier than you then you’ll feel threatened.

If she’s less attractive (in your eyes) then you’ll wonder why “he’s sniffing around that.” It’s a no-win.

I have plenty of female colleagues and ex-colleagues that my DP has never met, seen pics of or even has any desire to discuss. Does he know all your male work colleagues?

Google and you're bound to find something. At least then you'll know.

I'd suggest it's because you don't believe that it's only ever been a professional relationship . I asked if she was in a relationship , had boyfriends etc he says he doesn't know And I don't blame you for not believing it because it simply doesn't ring true. She knows that he's had a child and feels comfortable enough to buy a gift, but she's never shared any aspect of her private life with him? Not even if she was married or co-habiting with children of her own? It doesn't sound credible.

I'm not suggesting in any way that he's been unfaithful to you at all. But I think he has been, and still is being, dishonest about his friendship with this woman and, understandably, you want to know why.

Changed name - actually he has met pretty much everyone I've worked with , male and female ... my workplaces have always been very sociable and partners regularly came along ...plus because I worked locally it was easier for husband to come along. Plus I've always been very inclusive .

Husband works in the city so socialised there quite a lot , however when we first moved to the city , we regularly socialised in the city with our other friends who worked in the city . It was quite common for us all to meet up in the early years but husband never pointed her out or mentioned her ...I even went to his office quite a bit in the early days and it was quite common for everyone to go straight to the bars and clubs for drinks after work on Thursdays and Fridays .

I've never objected when he mentioned he had seen her or pumped him for information . He did once mention that he went to lunch with her and her father , her father worked ( he died 4 years ago and she informed my husband about the outcome of the funeral ) in the same field as my husband and husbands boss apparently had recommended him as a possible mentor . She works in the same field and started at the company as a graduate .

Buttery muffin - have googled , nothing , no pictures , no articles , no social media ...I've even considered standing outside her office ( but obviously as I don't know what she looks like it would be pointless ) Ive started to consider a private investigator ... bloody bonkers , I know

Snotnose , well this is it, if it's professional , why keep it a secret? Why would she send a gift ? It seems very one sided , she knows his personal situation but he knows nothing of hers .

It's just curious .

It doesn't sit right with me . Why not tell me what she looks like ? I

What are you after from him - Height/build/hair colour? Can’t he even tell you that much?

And did she not have a photo on linked in?

It seems she's just a colleague. So probably not something it occurred to him to mention but he has occasionally mentioned her. Does he show you photos of his male colleagues.

I think you're jealous. Do you think he had an affair? Is that it? Do you have issues with work friendships with other women? Do you need to see them?

In the kindest possible way, I think her appearance is completely irrelevant and that you're fixating on the wrong thing. It wouldn't matter if she looked like a supermodel or an Orc. What you should be asking him is why he's kept her a secret and why he's still trying not to reveal any information about her. I'm assuming he hasn't kept any male colleagues secret?

Him going for lunch with her and her father is inconsistent with a purely professional relationship in which he claims to know nothing at all about her private life. He's met her parent in a social setting but doesn't know if she has a partner?

Your attitude to this is a bit odd OP.

I haven’t met all my DH’s colleagues and he hasn’t met all of mine.

He mentions female colleagues and I mention male colleagues from time to time without issue.

I have colleagues who I’ve known for 20 years where I’m friendly but not personally close to.

I’ve certainly picked up baby presents for colleagues that I’m not particularly close to - a baby present is hardly a marker of deep friendship.

Women in senior positions in male dominated industries don’t always discuss their personal lives in the office. They don’t want to be known as a mum, or a wife or that lesbian girl - they want to be thought of strictly in professional terms.

My closest colleagues know I’m married with kids but others don’t and there’s certainly no family pictures on my desk.

Why does is matter what she looks like? You either trust your DH or you don’t.

If she’s unattractive that doesn’t mean your DH hasn’t cheated with her.

If she’s beautiful it doesn’t mean that her has.

You are going to destroy your marriage over nothing.

Him going for lunch with her and her father is inconsistent with a purely professional relationship in which he claims to know nothing at all about her private life.

Not if they worked in the same organisation or industry Sn0t. I’ve worked in companies where I know someone’s Mum/Dad/sister/cousin because they are also colleagues but nothing about them.

If she is very private about her personal life it may be that she’s gay and not out at work.

Again it’s not uncommon for women in male dominated industries to want to avoid salacious gossip.

I am also a bit confused as to why this is suddenly an issue for you .
basically your dh met this colleague 20 yrs or so ago, you possibly met her amongst his friends but dont recall it.
he has mentioned her in passing once or twice and has not seen her for 5 yrs
she sent a present for you ds 4 yrs ago...

why exactly is all that unsettling you ?
it doesnt amount to much
and your DH is probably thinking you have lost the plot or he can't really recall much about her either...he is a bloke they generally dont ask all the personal details you want to know like whether she has a partner etc ...and it sounds like he hasn'tt seen her for years and wouldn't know now anyway.
if my dp was doing this questioning of me over some vague colleague i'd be pretty fed up .

Sorry , I'm probably not making any sense as to why it's bothering me now so I'll try to put it in time order :

Husband starts working at his company in 1995

Colleague starts in 1996 leaves company in 1998 . No mention of this colleague at all ( bearing in mind I've been in the office a few times and socialised with his colleagues on some Friday night drinks )

Have DS IN 2003 , husband takes DS to office to meet colleagues , comes back with solely this one present and mentions this colleague for the first time ( bear in mind this colleague left the company in 1998 )

2003 - 2010 mentions meeting up for coffee , lunch with this colleague a few times and the father ... I assume colleague is still at the company based on our conversations at this time

2011 husband moves company , mentions colleagues father died .

No mention of colleague since .

The reason I am unsettled by this is his outright lie that he took DS to his work to meet his colleagues and he clearly met her ( he has confirmed this )

He gave the impression that she still worked with him when she had moved on and maintained this friendship since 1998 but has downplayed it .

Why fail to never introduce or mention her when I had been in the office when he has introduced others .

My need to see her is , I need to see what is so special about her that the friendship has been secretive .

Pink Calluns - my attitude is odd , I agree , this situation has thrown me . Even I think I'm bonkers but it's unsettled me for some reason .

If he hasn’t seen her or mentioned her since 2011 why is it upsetting you particularly now?

Meeting her with the baby isn’t necessarily odd? If someone organised a group for lunch/coffee to meet the baby it would be easy enough for someone to invite ex colleague along if she worked nearby. I can think of several similar completely examples from my own workplace.

Look at it this way, she is seriously unlikely to buy a baby present for her lover.

oh ok..that makes more sense
but still think your worrying yourself over nothing.
the not introducing her..maybe she was not in the office the day you went in, or was in meetings or busy etc
maybe she never came to the friday night drinks etc.
Maybe she heard through grapevine about baby and popped into office to pass on gift, maybe she is nice person, maybe her and dh were good work friends ?
he hasn't hid anythign from you , except he didn't explicitly tell you she left company , and you didnt ask explicitly ..
so he has told you when he has met her for lunch and coffee...not hiding anything ...
hasnt seen her for yrs.
maybe he knew you'd overreact if he did say she had left and he still kept in touch ?
the meeting her and her father thing..didn't you say the father was in the same industry and had thought dh might be good mentor for her ? so maybe dad was trying to get your dh to agree to this or wanted to meet him ettc..sounds like nothing came of that .

i really would advice leaving it..what the hell does it matter what she looks like ? she is a distance old work colleague/friend you dh has intermittent contact with

Seeing what she looks like won;t tell you "how special" she is.

You could ask your DS - he has seen her.

If she's gorgeous, you will feel jealous.

If she's plain, you will wonder what she has about her that he likes - and feel jealous.

Why do you need to know?

There must be something online about her.

But aside from that, what will seeing her give you except more to question? The answer to all your questions can be answered by your DH and he won’t answer. That’s your most pressing issue.

OP - are you suspecting he’s been having an affair?
Why is this all coming out now - has anything changed in your relationship?

On the simple matter of her looks - just google her. Look on FB, etc.
And you said - she poped up on LinkedIn - was there not a profile pic?

I'm really struggling to understand why you're unsettled.

She was part of his professional network. When she left in 1998 it didn't mean she died, she just went somewhere else and they still knew each other and I'm sure still had mutual professional interests. There may have been no sense in regaling you with the tale of her leaving...?

And every professional network has times when folk dip in and out. You may not see someone for years but then think of them and think "ooh so and so might be able to help on something I'm working on, I should ask what they think" and so you get back into contact.

Is he generally untrustworthy? Is he shifty or disengaged?

How do you feel in the marriage generally?

Your reactions are honestly sounding as if you are developing a psychiatric disorder so I'm scrambling a bit to work out whether there are other factors at play that would make your reaction seem proportionate

Oh gosh , I really am sounding bonkers .

The reason it came up now is , she came up as recommended link on LinkedIn . There is no picture of her just a pic of the company name she works for .

I noticed on her linked in she left the company my husband and I worked for in 1998 but my husband made out he took the baby who was 6 months at the time to his work , he came back with one gift from her . He made out she was still working there and she was just one of a number of colleagues who met the baby .

It has turned out ( he confirmed this ) he didn't actually take the baby to work , he solely met up with her for lunch , just the two of them .

When he returned with the gift , he mentioned her name for the first time .

I find it odd that he has known this colleague for 7 years , she met my 6 month old son and that was the first time he mentioned her .

I guess I am thinking something went on with them , otherwise why would you not mention such a friendship for 7 years , then lie about taking son into work and then continue to give me the impression for continuing years that this acolleague who is still in his work place , but he has been meeting her one on one .

It's very strange he took the baby to meet her, and lied about it. Potentially he did it because he was concerned about your reaction if you're prone to jealousy and there was nothing going on.

It would be very unusual for two lovers to meet for lunch and one to bring their new baby. Very unusual indeed. So my bet is it's innocent.

Do you have a history of jealous behaviour around other women?

Do you have a history of jealous behaviour around other women?

This^^ Because that would explain everything.

This all sounds totally batshit in my personal opinion!

There are 2 reasons that he met her for lunch with his newborn child and then a few times intermittently since then,

A: because he’s been having an affair with her for 20 years and is secretly deeply in love with her

B: because you’re clearly someone who can’t deal with any kind of jealously or him having a relationship with a colleague and he can’t deal with the fallout of said irrational jealousy

Only YOU truly know the answer to which one it is

No history of jealous behaviour . However we were dating for 4 years before we moved to the city , in that 4 years we had a 9 month break . I dated somebody else for a few months in that 9 month break ... he was pretty angry about that . I think he held that against me for some time ... I wonder whether keeping the friendship was a bit of the two fingers up at me .

We've just had a conversation ( very strained ) about it just now .
I've asked him again to tell me what she looks like. He says it shouldn't matter as it was just a work colleague . He's told me what she looks like .

He says that he doesn't remember all the details that far back , why he kept it secret , why he met her for lunch . He said when they met up they just talked about what the mutual people they knew were doing , talked about her dad as he worked with him on a few projects .

We've had our ups and downs over the years. When we moved to the city he worked for a place that pushed the whole work hard, drink hard culture . He did get a bit overtly flirty with girls in front of me and way back then , I let it be known he was overstepping the boundary of what I found acceptable . That caused some resentment on his part as he thought I was being overbearing and jealous . That pissed me off that he called me jealous as I wouldn't play the 'cool wife/girlfriend' role .