What does she look like ?

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In our early days of our relationship my husband had a friendship with a woman at his work that he never mentioned . The first time he ever mentioned this persons name was when DS1 was born and he returned home with a gift from her.

This didn't bothered me until recently as I discovered ( she popped up on my LinkedIn ) that she only worked at the company for 3 years , my DS was born 4 years later and he gave me the impression that she was still working at the company .

He then mentioned her a few times over the past 20 years. Which I never raised an eyebrow to as it's quite common for us to have regularly caught up with old colleagues for drinks and lunch over the years .

He hasn't seen her for the past 5 years .

I have asked him why he has kept the friendship secret ( he met her mid 20s when we moved to The city for work ? We are mid 40s now ).

He maintains that it has always been a professional relationship . I asked if she was in a relationship , had boyfriends etc he says he doesn't know . I find it odd that he kept the friendship a secret , has maintained this friendship until the past 5 years .

I don't know what to think .

The worst thing about this I am desperate to know what she looks like , he says that's irrelevant . Him not telling me is driving me round the bend . I don't know why I am desperate to know what she looks like .

I told him last night that it is still playing on my mind what she looks like and he has said that it's doesn't change anything . He says that he recognises that it was wrong not to mention it and he doesn't know why .

Why am I so desperate to know what she looks like ?

I'm going to leave it now , I'm satisfied with what he told me .

Last few years I've suffered from anxiety and have started to overthink situations .

I think you should really get a therapist to talk things through. None of us know you’re relationship, but honestly talking about things that give you a anxiety with someone will help you no end
If you’re husband makes you feel constantly insecure so you end up questioning everything then that is not good

Seriously. It will help you, right now everything is clearly exaggerated in your mind

It's ancient history, so letting it go is the best idea, especially if some mental health issues. I suspect it was totally innocent. I also suspect you do have a bit of previous for jealousy, not being jealous is not the same as "playing The cool wife". So I think you're being a little defensive there.

I suspect it was totally innocent. People who have affairs tend not be behave as they have. Meeting family members, meeting the new baby, it seems like it was just friendship and no more to me, but he was worried about your reaction so hid it. It's not a good way to behave, but if you're worried about some fall out, it is understandable.

Sounds like he was seeing her or at least having some kind of emotional affair. Sorry but my friend was OW and met her OM’s baby in similar circumstances.

I think there is an awful lot of 'ancient history' here which you have possibly attached too much importance to.

As a general observation, women (colleagues or otherwise) tend to give baby gifts where male counterparts don't. It's not sinister in itself. It's just something that a male colleague is less likely to do.

Secondly, work networks aren't confined to the here and now. Former colleagues may stay in touch in the expectation that their paths will cross again (professionally) some time in the future.

Well done on acknowledging that you tend to overthink things. Does your dh know you do this? If you say it explicitly, he may gain a better understanding of how jarring you may find it if something doesn't add up and you are wrestling with it. Particularly if your own network is not very wide.

I hope you find peace of mind

I agree it’s ancient history now and worth letting go. But I do get what you mean and I don’t think you are/were being unreasonable - it would have made me ask questions too.

I understand op. It's the fact you've never been introduced and yet she knows all your goings on and personal info.
I think you are slightly jealous that he is maybe giving this lady attention; that you should be deserving and you feel she has a bond you don't with him?
It's odd you've never met her, that would be a big red flag to me.

I think the meeting solely with her rather than with a group of work colleagues and then lying about it is the odd bit.

I think it's normal to.go and visit your old team to.meet a new baby though. I went back to my old workplace last summer because an ex colleague who had been pregnant when I left was coming to the office to show off her new baby. I took along a little gift.

he didn't actually take the baby to work , he solely met up with her for lunch , just the two of them

I'd suspect an affair. He lied then and he's lying now.

I think your plan to leave it now is very wise OP. It doesn't sound as if - during your relationship - there has been anything more than friendship.

It's a bit (quite a lot actually) unreasonable of you to be so desperate to know what this woman looks like. Would you be so determined if it were a male friend? I think not. You're threatened by this woman but there's nothing in your posts that makes me raise an eyebrow.

I know what my husband's friends look like because I used to work with them, I wouldn't know any new starters and wouldn't care. He doesn't know what my friends look like, we don't socialise with each other's friends and that works for both of us but not everybody is the same, I know.

If you are happy that he's not been unfaithful then truly put this out of your mind and never, ever stand outside the office, that is stalking and way beyond what is acceptable behaviour.

It's his secrey over the friendship not your thoughts that are the problem, OP. If he'd been upfront in the 1st place this wouldn't be playing on your mind now. He made you think she'd met your son at work amongst other colleagues when really it was 1-1.

Not a nice thought but a friend's DH had an affair - he was a SAHD for a while and took baby with him. When she found out about affair a couple of years down the line there were pics of them on days out looking like a little family.

Who can say if your DH had an affair? You won't know unless he tells you. It will be hard to let this go no matter how long ago it was, because he lied consistently. It could have been something and nothing.

I wouldn't want to know what she looked like but I absolutely would want to know why he lied.