*trigger warning* child abuse, offender release looming

[Superlost]

Hi, I've dithered about posting or not for weeks so if you're reading this I've finally managed it. Sorry it may be long.

In 21 days my daughter's abuser will be let out of prison after half his sentence. We have been liaising with our VLO and were asked for things we would like considered for the time he is on licence.

We asked that he be excluded from our postcode (we live in it, dd goes to school in it) and the one we're on the border of (work is there, parents home, local park, other family) but have been told he has requested to be allowed into the border postcode to visit parents. We've still asked for that to not be allowed, they can visit him elsewhere.

The problem, is that his parents are my parents. I asked them if they would even allow him there because if they wouldn't, he'd have no reason to come into the area and we'd most likely get the exclusion approved. But they would like him to be able to visit them. They know it's selfish. I don't even know how to explain how I feel about that - I did explain to them, to make sure our feelings were understood and could be properly considered, that if he were ever there I couldn't be and couldn't bring the kids there with dd wondering where he sat or if he was looking at her photos on the walls or what cup he drank from (maybe that's just projecting what I would be thinking, I don't know). That changed nothing.

I feel like this is the last straw and I have to cut contact with them now, but they're so "nice" I feel like I'm the one who's out of order like I'd be punishing them for just not understanding enough. But I can't see how they can have contact with us both. I already don't like giving them updates on the kids anymore because I feel like they'll talk about us and I don't want him knowing ANYTHING about us.

I just feel...drastic. I have a great job, kids in decent schools, and love our house to bits, but I would move to the opposite end of the country in a heartbeat to get away from all this. I'm dreading the next few weeks and the random crying and feeling like it's the end of the world has started creeping back in. It's like it consumes my days. I'm not bothered about him, as long as we never see him again that's enough for me. What I'm dreading is the fallout with my parents and why that feels so difficult. And how could his "human rights" (to be allowed to visit parents) possibly be considered more important than those of my daughter, for ONE more measly year.

I don't know if I'm asking anything or just ranting, I just don't understand anything right now. Dh and I can talk but he "gave up" on my parents some time ago and doesn't get why I haven't - to be honest I don't get it either, but it hurts.

Plus telling our daughter that's how her grandparents feel about things... I feel like they could've helped, for her, but refuse to and instead just sit and wait to see how things pan out because that way they've not taken sides either way. I'm sure that will hurt her. Right now she just wants things to be as they were before this happened, and to be able to visit them whenever she likes, but she knows none of this yet and I suspect it will change her mind.

I have no advice to offer, but I didn't want to read and run. You're in an impossible situation, and you need to do whatever is best for your DD, and yourself. I really feel for you, and I hope someone can come along and offer something more helpful.

Thank you Repeal, I half hope not. It's nice not to feel alone but it's a crap club.

I'm in a similar but not identical situation. My mother is sympathetic to my abuser. It's a complicated situation but it does untold damage to my mental health. Go low or no contact for the sake of your dc.

Very difficult scenario but I think I would go NC with parents if they chose to have him visit their home. This is their granddaughter after all..

I'm so sorry Thesecondtoast. That's awful. I'm not sympathetic for him in the slightest, but I see my parents are. It's taken me a while to really acknowledge that. We are already low contact but I think non contact is the only "solution".

Exactly AChangeOfName, I get unconditional love for your children, but the next generation will always be the more important for me. And I can't understand why the innocent party wouldn't be the one who was put first.

Many people find it hard to let go of their parents even after they treat them appallingly or do things that are quite frankly evil.

I'm not in your very unenviable position but I personally think NC is the only way.

I would however write down what I wanted to say to them but actually see them and tell them. I would write it down because I think in such an upsetting situation it would be easy to forget something.

With the assumption that your parents know that they are signing the death warrant on their relationship with their granddaughter by accepting this person into their home, I'd have to go NC. They have chosen the abuser over the abused.

If you do go NC, is your DD old enough to understand why you have made this decision?

They're aware, unfortunately, I'm sure of that. Sadly she is old enough. I'd rather she wouldn't understand and would be mad at me than know she's less important and valued than him.

Is the abuser at all repentant? If so could you get a message to him asking him to withdraw his request to visit your parent’s postcode? If he refuses I would make one last attempt with your parents and if that fails remove all pictures of your family and go NC with the lot of them.
💐 for you and your daughter.

I work in this field and am constantly amazed how parents will choose the offending child over the one who was victimised. Sadly its not uncommon. You need to
decide what your limits are and stick to them. Your parents have made their choice so you now need to do the same. If practical would a move help your family to make a new start and a new normal? You have to do whats right for you and your child.

I understand your feelings, but I disagree. It's far better that her hurt or anger is directed at the right parties. Eventually she'll know the truth and I think it could be damaging for her to learn that she directed her hurt or anger towards an innocent person (you). Better that she should through her feelings towards her grandparents with you supporting her feelings.

"Work through her feelings "

There's a saying: if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

I'm so sorry: but you have to recognise that by wanting to support the abuser, they are now part of the problem. You cannot trust them. They will do all they can to minimise and accommodate their abusive child, and you have to do all you can to prevent them causing further damage to your daughter. This means not allowing them to have contact with her unless it's supervised, because you cannot trust them to have her best interests in mind.

It's so difficult. But you can do it. I'm so sorry.

Yes I think the most important issue here is that your daughter is going to have to hear how utterly disloyal (and frankly, fucked up) her grandparents are.

However, that will be a million times more bearable if she knows she has your support on everything. Which she has. Make sure she knows this. It is your love and loyalty and support which will get her through this.

NC with these dysfunctional, extremely harmful people is the only way to go. Best of luck looking after your daughter.

I've been through this, my brother abused DSis and me when we were all children. It's more complicated in our case because our F was a member of a paedophile ring, he himself abused us though not our brother. He was abused by others though. My F died a long time ago thankfully.

My brother has serious MH issues, and is therefore very vulnerable. So it's understandable DM looks out for him. But when we reported it to the police a year ago, her only concern was about him going to prison, not about DSis and me. So we're virtually NC with our brother and LC with DM. Life is a lot calmer as a result.

It's horrible but clearly often happens.

I think you're feeling drastic because the situation is certainly drastic. Don't worry about your "nice" parents. If you need to go no contact then go no contact. I certainly would and I would revel in the flames of that bridge burning.

I can understand them wanting to support and have contact with their son - but NOT at the expense of their grand-daughter (and daughter - this is tearing you apart, too).

As you so rightly point out they could meet him his own home or in a neutral place. The abused individual is ALWAYS the one whose feelings should be considered first and foremost - how it will affect them emotionally and physically to know that they could accidentally encounter their abuser, or even to enter a room knowing that he may have been there recently (I don't think you are OTT regarding cups etc - my revulsion would be so great I couldn't bring myself to use anything he had "corrupted" either). - okay, so it's a totally emotional response, but it is how you feel, and you are entitled to your own feelings, however irrational they may seem to others).

Unfortunately, I think you will probably have to go NC with your parents. Either they will prevail and he will be allowed to visit (in which case, they have made their preferences known and effectively told your child she is not worth ), or your wishes will prevail, and they may well harbour resentment that their son can't be free to visit them, and may even put pressure on you to change your mind. The likelihood is that either way it will be an impossible situation.

You are an amazing mother, defending your daughter to the hilt like this. Your determination not to let her down will be what gets you both through this. You are deeply hurt on behalf of your child - how can they turn their backs on their DGD in favour of her abuser? I don't know either, but you will be doing the right thing to go NC. They are obviously determined to make excuses for him and try to whitewash his appalling behaviour.

Are you a single parent OP? I just was wondering what support you have yourself to help you through this horrible situation. You must be feeling physically sick at the thought of him being out in the world again.

This forum can offer a lot of support - please don't ever feel under obligation to update if you don't want to, but don't hesitate to come back you need a hand-holding or advice of any kind. There are people here who have been through similar horror, kandothers who can offer practical (eg legal) advice.

You and your DD will get through this, I promise.

I think nc is the only way to go. They might see it as not wanting to take sides (which is fucked up enough in itself; it's not a silly family quarrel between siblings) but by continuing to have a relationship with him and welcoming him into their home, they have chosen their side.

Do you trust them not to discuss him with your DD when you aren't listening? Not to comment on how 'sad' it is that he can't come to their home? Not to attempt to downplay what happened? And I think you're right; she is likely to wonder if he sat in a particular seat or used a particular cup. I think their home would become a place where she doesn't feel safe, even though you would be there with her.

You sound like a really good mum; it's evident that your daughter is your priority and she will appreciate that when she looks back as an adult.

I have full sympathy for you and your daughter this must be so hard. I think in your situation I would move only because it doesn't seem like you're getting any protection or help, from the system or your parents! If they are keeping contact with an abuser then I would sever my ties with them to be honest, in order to protect my own children if nothing else.

Sorry OP that you're going through this.

I'm with the others. Go NC. Their behaviour is appalling. I hope your DD finds comfort in your love and care for her so that it overrides the hurt she'll feel about her grandparents.

If you have made very clear how you feel and the consequences for your relationship, then I think you are making the right decision by going NC.

We are in a similar (but not at all the same) situation. MIL’s partner has a history of sexual abuse of a family member (not our dc or my dh, so no one in our immediate family). She chooses to support him and will not respect our wishes for appropriate boundaries and safeguarding of our children. She thinks we’re being ridiculous preventing contact between him and our dc and that we’re bringing shame on the family by making a big deal of it all (everyone else pretty much has swept it under the rug, except the child that was abused who has no relationship with him obviously, not do some of his biological family). She’s chosen that she would prefer to protect him over our dc, and said she was happy to never see them again. My feeling was anyone who cared so little for our children that they couldn’t make a few minor adjustments in their life to keep them safe from abuse didn’t deserve to know them. She hasn’t seen our oldest in 2 years and has never met the youngest. It makes me sad for them that their grandmother is so twisted and selfish and cares so little for them, but given the circumstances, I have no regrets about the decision we made and I know it was the right one.

Asking them to meet up with your brother somewhere far from your family where he can’t access her photos or any details about her is incredibly reasonable and an easy solution (assuming they aren’t bed bound) to a difficult situation for your dd. I think it’s totally reasonable to opt not to have a relationship with them if they aren’t willing to make such a small change to keep her safe. Unfortunately, it’s not unusual that abusers family don’t see this and want to coddle and enable them, but it doesn’t mean what you’re expecting isn’t reasonable and sensible.

Sorry you’re going through this.

As someone who was abused by her uncle and her parents allowed him to still visit. I went NC it was just not worth the stress and aggrivation.

When I confronted my mom she said "they did not want trouble in he family".

To me that said it all.

It doesn't change either, @Superlost I'm sorry to say. Or at least my DM can't stop herself from telling me how unwell my brother is. I'm aware of that. But she constantly makes me feel guilty that I'm not able to cope with being near him. She says she understands but she keeps going back to it.

Having much less contact has helped considerably though the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) is still something that's difficult to cope with.

I suggest that you take a look at the Stately Homes thread. It's a wonderful source for support for those of us struggling with toxic families.

Does your dd have a counsellor who can support her through the process of her abuser being released? I would imagine that everything will be dragged up again and she will be frightened of meeting him whilst out.

I would go NC with your parents, they are not 'nice' people they are enabling your abusive brother to continue to hurt your little girl! Perhaps not physically but their insistence on wanting to have him visit has robbed your dd of the security of knowing he is not allowed to be within the vicinity of your postcode.

Would you consider moving? My friend's little girl was devastated when her abuser was found to be not guilty of sexually abusing her. Her abuser and his parents deliberately moved into the village where my friend lived (having before lived in a property hundreds of miles away, that had been passed down two generations) and my friend's daughter was forced to see her abuser and his parents at the local shop, walking past her school etc. The police were devastated and said that it was obvious that my friends dd had been abused, unfortunately, the abuser was very charming and good at playing the vulnerable 'victim' of a lying little girl. My friend fled to the other side of the country, where her dd has since started a new school and is feeling safe again.

If you go nc with your dp, then please stress to your dd that none of this is her fault! As she may blame herself for you having to go nc with your dp. Explain that by allowing her abuser into their home they are choosing to hurt you and your dd. Tell her that all that matters is the family that is you, your DH, your dd and any siblings she has. That you will do anything you physically can to keep her and her siblings safe and that she is infinitely more important to you than your dp!

I am so sorry that you are in this position, this is why paedophiles should be given a whole of life sentences as should murderers! The justice system has failed your little girl in that respect!